Dear Crabby and Sam Sanders

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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One of my friends and I write a column in our school newsletter called “Dear Crabby and Sam Sanders.” It’s a spoof of “Dear Abby” and “Ann Landers.” So far, we’ve done one article. However, no one seems to want to bother giving us any problems. Therefore, I turn to you. I need problems. I don’t care if they are real, so long as they SOUND somewhat plasuible. Then, I will use song/book/movie titles and write your article. An example of this is:

Dear Crabby and Sam Sanders,
My parents say that I am too young to date, and won’t let me go out. My boyfriend and I have to hide our relationship, and I don’t think we can do this much longer. What should I do?
~ Overprotected

Dear Overprotected,
Well, it’s understandable that you feel suffocated by your parent’s obsessive watchfulness, but have you considered the fact that maybe you’re so overprotected because you are just not that innocent. And look, oops, you’ve managed to do it again, yet another hidden boyfriend…guess he can’t come knocking on your door. Where you are now, you can’t get no satisfaction, perhaps you will just have to email your heart, thinking about him. Talk with your parents and tell them that you don’t feel so lucky, that sometimes they drive you crazy, and that your only wish is that they were born to make you happy, because you’re not a slave for them. From the bottom of your broken heart, you will become stronger, and if nothing else, the beat goes on, baby one more time.

Disclaimer: Our English is not really this bad, we don’t really like this singer, and these are all song titles. If you recognize them all, be afraid, be very afraid…

~ Crabby and Sam Sanders

Corny? Yup. But also funny. And YOUR problem might even be featured in our newsletter! Oh, and BTW, come up with some sort of signature- see “overprotected” above. Thanks and keep 'em coming!

~Monica :wink:

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Ditilled from some of the wedding “emergencies” I’ve run across on another board:

Dear Crabby,

I’m getting married in a little over 2 years, and my fiance just refuses to come with me to taste test candies for our favors. He won’t go pick out his tux yet, or decide which flower he prefers as filler for his mother’s corsage? Doesn’t he understand that this is the most important day of my life? Doesn’t he WANT to get married?

Help me, Crabby and Sam. Time’s running out and I just don’t know what to do!

Heartbroken

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You gave yourself to him, on wild nights. He touched you, so you live to know. He gave you a jewel to hold on your finger. He asked to be given in marriage, unto thee. ‘T caused you so much joy! After a hundred years, you will want to remember this day- Remembrance has a rear and a front, a solemn thing it is. Your wedding will be a very important day for you, don’t think, “I am nobody.” Make your fiancé bring an unaccustomed wine and go candy-testing with you. You want a modest lot, a fame ‘petite.’ Hope is a thing with feathers, but his tux and mother’s corsage had better not be. Tell him that you meant to have modest needs, but that you need them met. Or else, you will never say “goodnight” to him again. It is little that you could care for pearls, but you do care how this wedding comes out. If not, your tears will drop like flakes and stars. Ask him, “What if I say I shall not wait?”
And if he still refuses, just say to yourself, “Heart, we will forget him!”
~ Crabby and Sam Sanders

Oh, BTW…everyone can guess who the author/artist is, too.