Dear Ex-Fat Guy on Subways Commercials

Dear Ex-Fat Guy on Subways Commercials,

Shut up and go away.

Thank you,


What? You want more?


Dear Ex-Fat Guy on Subways Commercials,

It’s spiffy that you lost seven thousand (or however many) pounds. It was an impressive act of willpower and hard work, and I commend you for it. Truly, I am impressed. I’ve tried to lose weight and I know how hard it is.


#1) Your 15 minutes of fame were up an hour and a half ago. Go away.

#2) You are not as fucking cutsie as you think you are. I don’t care if you’re fat or skinny, your smirking, smarmy presence on my TV screen makes me want to either vomit or change the channel.

#3) If I was one of the people you harrass on your commercials, you’d be wearing your fucking “sweet-onion chicken teriyaki and dog-puke” sandwich (or whatever the sandwich is). Who in the world thought that that the gimmick of having some ex fat-guy stalking non-fat people to bug them about the contents of their lunch would be a selling point?

#4) The obnoxious personna of ex fat-guy yenta that Subway has created for you (I really hope that’s not your real personality…if only for your loved one’s sake) is repugnant. My dad lost (under doctor’s care and via Weight Watchers) about 80 pounds. And he’s not an asshole who follows people around telling them how healthy (or not) their sandwiches are (or aren’t). If being skinny means acting like you do on those commercials, I’ll stay overweight.

#5) SHUT UP! You lost 3 billion pounds. I’m impressed. Now put a sock in it already. You’re not Albert Schweitzer or Jonas Salk, you’re just an ex-fat guy.

and finally,

#6) Your “advice” is fucking horrible: ok, you managed to get skinny by eating Subway sandwiches. Guess what: most people don’t need the kind of carbs that they contain. You’re not even helping!

Nobody I know of likes you. Go away.



His name is JARHEAD



Of course. Your username. Your claimed location. Your love of comics. Your hatred of skinny little men like Jared.

You’re a Volstagg fan, aren’t you?


Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa.

Simonson’s…yes. ANYone else’s, no. :wink:


I haven’t seen those commercials in ages.

I guess that’s a good thing for some. HEeh. He never bothered me. I adore Subway myself, but I don’t think I’d be going on a Subway diet as I don’t think that’s as healthy as it sounds.

Subway…mmm…but it sucks-they don’t have the Asiago Caesar sauce anymore!


I hope Jared at least scored with that hot chick who appeared with him in that one commercial.

As much as I hate to admit it, Jerry Falwell was right when he said the Antichrist is alive and among us today.


Probably not, but it sure beats a hamburger, french fries, & milk shake.

As for Jared, I imagine he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Jared would only eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub, no mayo, no cheese, diet pop, and fat-free chips.

When I worked at Subway, people would come in talking about Jared’s diet. Then they would order extra cheese, extra mayo, and cookies.

Yeah, blame Subway’s ad agency for this. Not poor Jared. What…he’s supposed to throw away whatever money they are paying him just because you don’t like him? And I doubt he goes around in real life annoying strange people at Subway restaurants. Come now, Fenris. You’re better than this. Do it over and do it right. :smiley:

Okay, although I have the highest respect for you and think your rant is spot-on otherwise, I have to take issue with this. In the relevent commerical, it’s OTHER people who are stalking Jarhead. He’s happily sitting under a tree, eating lunch, and all of a sudden everyone’s yelling “Jarhead’s off the diet” like it’s some bizarre remake of Invaders of the Body Snatchers and they’re going to either force him back ON the diet or at least be there to point and laught when he goes back to being three billion pounds. I have more of an issue with the other people than with Jarhead, who is JUST TRYING TO EAT, DAMMIT.

And of course South Park did the best Jarhead roasting, but this comes a close second. “I’m not fat, I’m big boned! You can’t lose BONE, stupid!”

Now back to your regularly scheduled rant.


Bobkitty: there’s a new one you must not have seen yet.

A couple of guys are sitting at a table quietly talking about how yummy the newest Subway Vomit-onna-Bun is. Jared, seated at another table turns around and says “It’s low fat too!” (or suchlike). The two guys roll their eyes and continue talking about how yummy the kinda gross looking sandwich is. Jared interrupts again with the zealousness of a born-again non-smoker “But guys! It’s soooo low fat! It’s healthy! It’s negative 78 calories. You’ll have to eat a milkshake afterwards, just so you don’t starve to death eating it! And it’s so healthy it’s better cardiovascular exercise than jogging 8 miles!” (I may be exaggerating his claims just a tiny bit)

The two guys look at each other and sort of scootch their chairs around so that their backs are to Jared and one of 'em makes a “shut up, already” comment.

Jared smirks at the camera.

(Details may be off, but that’s the upshot)


That’s not the commercial he means, bobkitty. It’s the new Subway guy (the “how fresh is it” guy) eating lunch with some people and showing them how the new sandwich is better than burgers. Then from another table Jared interrupts him several times to mention how healthy it is, and the new guy (obviously miffed) says something like, “Um, yeah, whoever you are.”

It’s just lame.



Is this the commercial where it ends:

Guy: “thanks who ever you are.”

Satan(Jared)“your welcome who ever you are”

that it?

I fucking hate that commercial.

I believe so. I’ve only seen it through to the end once or twice. I turn it off as soon as it starts nowdays.


He always looks like he’s wearing lipstick in the commercials, esp. the one that was on the beach.

That boy ain’t right…

By the way, the dude who’s sitting at the other table with his friends - damned if he isn’t a dead ringer for baseball pitcher Curt Schilling! Thought it was him the first time I saw these wretched commercials.

I wonder, does Jarhead have an actual job other than Subway commercials? I bet he doesn’t since Subway probably pays him enough to live on. Hell, Subway probably gives him all the free subs he can stuff down his gullet.

So I guess that when Subway pulls the plug someday, this guy’s going to be out on the street with no apparent skills except the ability to lose weight.

Then he’ll starve to death. Poetic justice.