Dear Penthouse Forum,

finally have hot ‘n’ nasty monkey sex. She unzipped my pants, reached in, and pulled out my…

…show her the benefits of owning a really fine set of encyclopedias.

She immediatly grabbed the F volume and asked me if i could help show her how to…

Fry sausage, so i inserted 10" of hard meat into…

A hollowed out zucchini, along with some thyme, rosemary and tomatoes…

preparing a dish of orgasmic proportions.

I looked the blonde deep in her vacant blue-eyes and asked :

“Wanna see my iron chef ?”

She squealed with pleasure and moaned . . .

No, but why don’t we go into the next room where we can be alone and…

…finally start that “learn-at-home hypnosis set”. Before long she and I were…

deeply enmeshed in a game of scrabble…

I looked at my letters

s u d i m y c k c k

and wondered what to put down.

Alas, my view of the game board was blocked when in front of me passed…

the largest sheep I had ever seen…

a herd of wild goats. The blonde jumped up and began to…

Oh, damn, Lana Lynn, my ofth-thought Beloved! If ever there was a more sheer perfect sweet salutation to the paroxysms of whatever would woolly-be, it might just hope to graze her yonder pastures…

Luckily, Lana had more common sense. Until she sensed The Coyote.

Never had a more fierce, but passionate, creature stalked the night. I couldn’t believe when …

He turned to me and introduced himself, saying “Hello, my name is Wiley Coyote, SuperGenius. Have you seen a roadrunner around here?” Seeing a talking coyote caused me to…

… have an uncontrollable urge to purchase a product from the ACME online catalog. I logged on, and perused their selection of vibrating…

rocket cars. I ordered one, and seconds later a tall redhead in a tight Acme T-shirt knocked on the door, and said breathlessly…

…said, "I have been making deliveries all day and sure could use a drink. So, I poured her some sangria, which in her haste, she spilled down the front of her oh-so-tight t-shirt, exposing her full, ripe…

melons. Watermelons. She had a side job as a fruit delivery gal and had her hands full all day.

“Oh, my”, she moaned breathlessly, “let me take wet, tight t-shirt off so we can get this stain out” as she lifted the hem of the shirt over her head and then…

… out jumped a talking dog. I was amazed to see it, but I think it was even more amazed to see me, since it said …