You have a disturbing habit of turning things people say to mean what you want them to mean to fit your desired outcome or justify your inability to cope. You do it here. You do it with your therapist. You do it with how you describe your kids’ pot use.
If you caught them drinking $1000 of Jack Daniels over a 10 month period. More acceptable? Less acceptable? Does this trigger your addiction fear alarms in the same way that pot does, or do you recognize that you have an unhealthy bias towards the illegal use of one substance over another?
I guess so. Pot and other illegal substances scare me more. I want my kids to be the best they can be.
And in my humble opinion, they are not at their best smoking weed every week. It’s a waste of their time and their money.
If that is EXACTLY what you don’t want in your future, why are you working so assiduously to make sure it DOES happen?
Your teenage sons need you now; if you emotionally distance yourself, that is the very best way to make sure they fill the void with someone or something else, and in a family with addiction issues, the “something else” might very well be pot or booze or some other unhealthy habit. You are deliberately setting them up for failure.
You should discuss with your therapist whether there is something in your psyche that NEEDS your sons to fail, because from here, it sure looks like it.
Love and support are not tools to be wielded to manipulate an outcome. If you insist on manipulating with ‘love’, then emotional distancing is not a positive use it and will only do irreparable harm to the relationships with your kids.
To repeat from my post a few pages ago, I grew up with a father like you. It was toxic emotional abuse. I left. Enjoy your life free from the burdens of love and family.
What you should be saying is “That’s EXACTLY what I don’t want in their future.” You should be guiding them toward a better future and you can’t guide from a distance.
Look at gargoyle. He was given a choice too.
A relationship with his father or drugs. He chose drugs. Probably still doing drugs.
He’s satisfied with his choice.
I guess my kids will be satisfied with their choices as well.
Yes, if you continue on this path, it is quite possible your kids will be satisfied with choosing an independent existence over a life intertwined with an emotionally abusive and toxic “mother” who cannot manage to cope with her own psychological issues, much less provide healthy guidance to her children.
Drugs? Eh, we’ve no idea whether drugs are a phase, a symptom, or a life choice for them, and neither do you, so none of us can say anything about what they will choose in that respect. However, very few regret removing themselves from an abusive home life (although they often regret the situation that led to them having to make the choice).
Yes, you’re all making me worry that my behavior is going to increase the possibility of them returning to drugs
But I feel like the relationship with them is irreparable
I’ve made awful comments about their futures and my civil discussions with them are already on very thin ice
Assuming this bizarre scenario is real (waiting for the segue into alien abductions), at least their dad doesn’t seem like a total lunatic.
When mom and dad get a divorce because he’s tired of her toxicity, and just overall dealing with her crap, kids and dad can have a healthy family together. Maybe he can even find a new, stable woman who can experience love.
My kids are now aged 28-32. After they became adults, we’ve had discussions w/ them during which it was clear that they drank, did drugs, had sex considerably more than I was aware of. And did other things as well - like my dtr who says as a very young kid she used to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night - not to do mischief or go anywhere, just because it was a neat thing to be up and out when everyone else was asleep.
You know what? Each of the 3 kids turned out all right. All graduated from college, 2 have advanced degrees. All are living on their own, in longterm relationships, advancing in their careers, pursuing non-work interests, etc. None has been incarcerated, none has self-inflicted significant health problems. I don’t THINK any of the 3 currently does any drugs. 1 is sober, 1 drinks pretty minimally, 1 enjoys his beer.
The OP just has a really warped perspective as to the long-term significance of this one “transgression,” and how to best respond to this specific family dynamic. maybe we should start a thread somewhere in which we share our experience as to the utility of ultimatums?
I think you’ve done something worse than that. You’ve shown them that mom’s love is highly, highly conditional. That you are ABLE to permanently end your relationship with them over any deviation from your vision of them.
I mean, even if my son murdered someone, I would still go visit him in prison. I would only ever be able to cut off contact if it was in his best interest. And it would kill me.
Is there anyone you love so much that if they threatened to cut you off over something, your whole world would crash down? How is your relationship with your own parents? Do they not love you no matter what?
I felt loved. Don’t know about unconditionally.
I was definitely a good kid. Who was very conscious of being a good kid. No drug, no sex, good grades - almost internally motivated to stick to straight and narrow.
Was very upset when they died. 2005 and 2015.
They would be very disappointed in their grandkids.
Completely unreasonable reaction. You don’t know anything about the relationship but you immediately judged the son and sided with the dad, because that’s what you do. You make decisions that support your narrow minded and poorly informed opinion.
Look, you’re quite simply wrong and I’m tired of trying to talk reason into a mind that is simply not able to cope with normal challenges and duties of an adult and parent. It’s not your fault that you’re depressed. You need to fix yourself before you can be a better parent to your kids. Until then, try not to make things any worse than you already have. Good luck with everything.
This seems like a good example of why even trying to talk to Declanium is so frustrating. She ignored everything except whether her parents are still alive. No response to the nature of conditional love, how hard it would be for a parent to stop all contact with a child, whether she loves anyone enough to be crushed by cutting them off, what her relationship was like with her parents- just- my parents are dead.
ETA do you think your parents would have stopped loving you if you hadnt been such a “good kid”? Do you think your disappointed patients would still loving their grandchildren now?
