Sex is sin, can lead to depression, mental health problems, pregnancy, disease, rape, abuse.
Street racing can lead to death, dismemberment, prison, loss of property.
Bad grades can lead to dropping out, underemployment, poverty.
People are comparing it to grades or sex because for other people, those can be just as bad and just as much a no-go zone as drugs are for you. I don’t know what state you’re in, for example, but at least one of your children is under the age of consent; how would you feel about them if one was arrested for statutory rape?
THEY chose to use drugs. YOU chose to destroy your relationship with them over their drug use.
In a normal healthy relationship, you can express disappointment and anger, without ending the entire relationship. If you were disappointed because your sons used drugs, I think everybody here would be sympathetic. It’s your inability to see the distinction between disappointment and “I don’t love you anymore” that is getting you all the backlash.
What I have learned from this thread is that sex doesn’t lead to disease and no one has ever been harmed by alcohol.
Thanks! I’m gonna have a **great **weekend!
So can alcohol. Would you support your best friend (who has kids) cutting off her kids* because of alcohol use? It’s a simple question. I don’t have any idea why you seem to be so hesitant to give a response to it.
*(Or his kids. Your best friend with kids could be a he. If that’s the case, don’t think it gets you out of confronting the question)
You don’t understand - or more likely - are refusing to answer the question asked. We all know that you claim you wouldn’t disown your sons over premarital sex. But what if your best friend told you that SHE had disowned HER kids for premarital sex? Would you think she was over-reacting somewhat? Would you offer your experience that it was NOT the end of the world? Would you try to help her have the best possible ongoing relationship w/ her family? Or would you say, “Fuck the brat. Serves them right. He/she KNEW you wouldn’t approve.”
You sure do come across as putting A LOT of stock into trite aphorisms. Sure, such platitudes often have a germ of sense, but rarely apply universally.
Serious questions - what are your intentions/expectations in these various threads? Has ANYONE fully agreed with your chosen actions? Why do you think that is? Are we all such ignorant depraved losers? If so, why are you engaging with us, instead of some other forum? Do you expect to convince us that we are all wrong? Do you entertain the possibility of stepping back even the tiniest bit from your rather extreme position? Do you truly feel that NO relationship w/ your kids is preferable to a LESS-THAN-PERFECT relationship? I am sincerely curious.
On edit - It isn’t often that I can recall such a unified response to a single poster’s position. Impressive.
Kaylasdad99, my husband tried pot in college but just once. He never liked the smoking aspect.
Beer was the more popular activity for him in college
I don’t know, Dinsdale. I was really trying to move past it and was hoping I could succeed. I just keep seeing bleak futures for them
You said your husband’s family had addiction problems. Your family had one distant, “maybe possibly” alcoholic who had been cast asunder.
Quoting you from today: “Wasn’t a lot of tolerance for drug use or alcoholism in my family.
There was one rumored alcoholic relative who was cut off by the family.”
Are you getting your story mixed up? Perhaps you should be following your script more carefully.
Would his parents have been justified in cutting him off for alcohol use?
For some people, alcohol is a trigger and an Achilles heel. Your husband may have violated the law (underage drinking or public intoxication or DUI, e.g.), and alcohol abuse can lead to brain damage, weakening of the heart muscle, cirrhosis of the liver, alcoholic hepatitis, pancreatic cancer, and whole host of other medical complications. People can do extremely stupid and dangerous actions when under the influence of alcohol. Do you think your husband has ruined his life because he used alcohol (which is considered a psychoactive drug)? Why or why not?
I would think a loving mother would want to take compassionate and loving action to try to prevent a bleak future for them – it’s really a shame that you’ve chosen actions that will make their bleak futures more likely.
At least if their lives go great they will know it was because of themselves, and not due to their unloving, selfish mother who chose to abandon them. You won’t have to worry about them bothering you with stuff like grandchildren, holiday visits, family trips, etc.
My golly,** Declanium**, you are truly a nut case…(twat waffle was a great analogy)
I suggest you show this and the original thread to your therapist and discuss why YOU are incapable of LOVE, real unconditional LOVE.
I have two sons also, they have made some serious mistakes in life, at time i did not like them, but it never crossed my mind to disown or castigate them. My loving them has no requirements or conditions and is not dependent on anything they may or may not do.
In my youth I also did some pretty fucked up stuff, yes it pissed my parents off…yes they probably did not like me (or at least my actions) but at NO TIME did they ever threaten to disown me or did I fell they did not love me.
True love has no requirements, no actions are necessary to be the recipient of the love.
Maybe you should explore why your love is so dependent on your family “acting correctly”.
Look at yourself as the problem and you may find your answers.
FTR…My 82 year old mom is an avid Trump supporter and has always tugged the right side rope…it never occured to me to shun her for what she believes in…she knows how I feel and we agree to disagree…she is also one who showed (by example) what unconditional love) is about.
I could go on and on with examples but, in your case, I feel my words would be wasted…
Cheers and pass the spliff!
You are all so much better than me.
Sleep well in that knowledge.
Thank you to the ppl who actually did try to help
As for the rest, with their glib comments like “need to be bombed 24/7 with her as mother” and “pass the spliff,” well, hope you enjoyed your mockery.
You don’t know if my kids were going thru a phase or whether it’s as I suspect, a life style choice they will lead to lousy lives but you’ll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman.
To fix your problems, you need to acknowledge your problems. Your treatment of your sons is one of your problems, but you don’t seem ready, even now, to acknowledge that you could possibly be doing anything wrong. It’s all on them, in your view.
It’s not all them. You and your therapist can work on how your depression is coloring your views, if you are willing to have that conversation. If all you’re getting out of therapy is that your kids are doomed and you are right about everything, stop wasting your time and your money on therapy. You have to WANT to fix yourself for therapy to do any good.
You can’t play the victim now. People have tried to help you but you absolutely refuse to consider any other viewpoint. Literally 100% of the people who have replied to you have said you are wrong. I honestly can’t remember a thread where people were this united. That should tell you something, but I am sure it won’t.
Whatever.
It’s done.
I’m staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Where’s the advice now?
Watching thread die.
Maybe actually coming from a place of love instead just telling them you are?
You can’t act as loathsome as you did and then expect it all to go away as soon as you decide to do something else. You hurt people. Can you understand that? You made wounds.
Maybe you should beg forgiveness.
Wonderful! That’s all you have to do. Just keep offering love – unconditional love. That’s the path to the best outcome possible. They may not respond immediately, but unconditional love is the best thing to do for your kids.
And quit posting in free verse.
That’s actually a huge step. Just give it a little time, show you mean it, and they will come around. Did we actually get through to you!?
Possibly.
But it’s baby steps