Denial--It's not just a river in Egypt.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

One of my best friends has a boyfriend. She thinks she’s in love with him (I’ve never met him, or seen them together or anything, so I don’t really know.) They seem to be pretty serious.

However, even though I have never met the boyfriend, I have some major problems with him. He’s my age, maybe a year older then me (16-17), and he is in some major trouble.

First of all, he’s a user and a dealer. As far as I know, you name it, he’s into it. Heroin, cocaine, meth, weed, everything. He’s been in rehab (just got out, I think), but he’s back to dealing and using.

He was apparently involved in a drive by shooting (he drove the car), but got off on a lack of evidence.

He has an 18 month old daughter. Well, maybe he’s her father. He’s pretty sure, anyway. The baby’s mother was killed in a carjacking, and the baby lives with her mother’s parents now. They let him see her about once a month, but they blame him for their daughter’s death, so it’s not a good situation for anyone.

He’s tried to kill himself several times, and has a habit of just disappearing every once in a while.

Even though he should be a year above me in school, he’s a year lower, mostly due to his drug addiction.

And my friend tells me he is the sweetest, most loving guy in the world. Well, he is when he’s having a good day, anyway. She says that he tries to be a good father for his little girl, and that’s he’s trying to change, he really is, but it’s hard for him.

So she instant messaged me the other night and told me he was dealing again, what should she do. I suggested calling the cops, or going to Narcotics Anonymous, or taking him to the hospital. But she refused all of my suggestiong. (“I can’t call the cops, he’d go to jail! He won’t agree to go to the doctor or NA.”)

My friend, is, unfortunately, not the most well adjusted person I know. Her parents are religious fanatics, and she’s really deep into Goth culture now, mostly to rebel against them, I think. She told me she has a voice in her head, and I know she cuts her arms (and pierces herself) and throws up her food on a regular basis.

I am not the sanest person myself, but I’ve been a lot better now that I’ve gotten treatment. She’s seen my improvement with her own eyes, but apparently neither she nor her boyfriend would benefit from medical help. (“Oh, I’m ok. The voice doesn’t come very often. And he’s been feeling great lately, and besides, I don’t think he should put anything else into his system.”)

I am at my wit’s end of what to do. She’s online all the time, and I have to turn on my away message as soon as I get on so she doesn’t bombard me (meaning I can’t talk to anyone else, either.) I feel kind of bad about not wanting to talk to her, but I’m really sick of listening to her problems and being expected to just say, “Oh, well, that sucks but I’m sure it’s going to be ok eventually.”

My honest opinion is that she should break up with him, and never look back. How long will it be before he convinces her into helping him with a drug deal or something? She refuses to do so, however, because “it would hurt him so much.”

I’m to the point that I don’t want to talk to her, because she never talks about anything else. I don’t want this to be my problem, and I gave her a whole bunch of suggestions, but she shot them all down.

I just really don’t want to get more involved with their problems, and I’d like her to actually do something about this rather than just make up excuses for him.

2

It’s going to be rough-no doubt about that.

What I would do, is say that if she insists on coming to you, make her understand that unless she is willing to TAKE your advice, you’re no longer going to give it, and you’re not going to stand around and let her use you as an outlet. You’re not going to simply tell her what she wants to hear.

Make sure you let her know that you’ll stand by her as a friend, but also let her know, in no uncertain terms, how you feel, and what she should do. Then, if she says she can’t, then tell her you don’t want to hear about it.

It’s tough, but sometimes, you honestly have to BE firm and tough with something like this. That’s how my mother got me out of my depression, at least long enough to get me help.

Is there another adult you can trust-I know you said her parents are religious fanatics. Good luck!

3

i’ve been there…trying to help out a friend for such a long while untill i got as fed up as you. The thought of slapping her face then saying “grow up! do something! stop whining! i had enough of you…i can’t handle this anymore” came a few times while i was talking with her.

It’s hard because you knew how to get better, but your friend seems to be stuck on a level. I would suggest you tell her again, the options and be more persistent about it, and even truthfull of how you feel, but don’t blow it all up on her. Becareful that you don’t push her away or else she’d close up completely.

Ask her:“what do you WANT to do?” if she sais i donno, say"no you DO know. You’re just afraid to do anything. You say you love him and he’s such a good guy that you want to be there for him. DO something."
(this would sound harsh)“You’re starting to make me have the impression that you love your current desperate situation and you don’t want to do anything”

Any case, hang in there. You could be the one to make a difference. Stay strong

4

Hmm…I trust my parents, but they only know her to say “hi” to.

Maybe one of the teachers at school, but we’re out for the summer. I bet I could talk to Ashley (her best best friend) and maybe Ashley’s mom could do something.

But I will definately tell her that I don’t want to hear anymore unless she actually does something about it.

5

I had to do this with a sister-in-law and her husband. Either one of them would call my husband and I at home, maybe once a week. They would be drinking, and argue, and then we’d get a call complaining about the other person’s behavior. Each of them got told, “You have to get the booze out of the house.” Both of them responded with, “I can’t do that.” So after that, they were told to not call us with gripes about the other person’s behavior when they’d been drinking, as they refused to take our advice and nothing changed.

5U1C1D3 and others in this thread have good advice.

6

Your friend’s cutting and bulemia are signs of a personality disorder. She is exhibiting classic co-dependency (I hate that term) symptoms in the relationship with her boyfriend. The boyfriend is damaged goods as well. Both of them need serious help that is well beyond the scope of your own abilities. You need to seek out the assistance of an adult who can be trusted and is willing to help. Don’t try to sort this out alone, while there is a slim chance you might succeed, there are much greater chances things will deteriorate into a far worse state than they are already. Take action and get some help for your friend.

7

At some point you have to say, “Your problems are real and you need help to solve them. Come to me when you’re ready to get that help and I’ll be there for you. But stop coming to me for sympathy for problems you’re doing nothing about.”

Harsh words, but you’ll eventually have to decide whether you want your friend to like you or you want to save her life.

8

Your parents may not know her very well, but could you go to them for advice about who to talk to? Maybe they can help you figure out how to get her some help, even if they can’t do anything directly. It might be worth putting in a call to the school, just to see if they could put you in touch with a counselor who could advise you. But, I agree, don’t just let her keep using you to vent. She’ll feel like she’s doing something, but it won’t be helping anything.

9

The counselors at school are useless.

I think my best bet would be to talk to Ashley and see what she can do about it. My friend trusts her more than me, I think, and she’s got the benefit of actually having met the boyfriend.

10

A lot of good advice here, dear, which, in my persnickety perspective boils down to you’ve gotta draw the line. No assistance in bad schemes. When she’s discovered that you won’t help her maintain a disaster course, she may come needing help.

You can be a friend then. You may never see her again. Good luck to her, but she’s not bringing you down with the ship.

11

I’ll add that, while it is commendable that you think and care about your friends, friendship must remain a two-way street…, even if one party to it has to borrow for a bit.

12

Damn right she’s not–why do you think I want to get out of being involved? I don’t have time for this nonsense.

13

Ultimately it is going to boil down to your friend making the decision to get out of a bad situation.

My best friend was in a similar situation. And let me tell you, my friend and I were like siamese twins. People used to think we were brothers because we spent so much time together. Well anyway, he got in this really rotten relationship which I was constantly pointing out how much he was being manipulated, but he wouldn’t even listen to his best friend whom he had known for ten years. In the end, he had to come to his senses by himself. It was a trial that he alone had to overcome, and your friend will have to overcome her own trials herself as well.