I have a short attention span and limited enthusiasm, so this should help bring me up to speed. Thanks in advance.
I’ll start by borrowing from the Mike Huckabee thread:
Indictment pending.
Bernie Sanders reminds me of my uncle.
Despite plenty of valid reasons for rejecting him, Christie will lose the nomination because he hugged Obama.
Carly Fiorina: Ruined HP, so why not give her a crack at the rest of the country?
Shamelessly stealing from Bill Maher:
Marco Rubio is pretty soft on Mexicans for an Italian.
Chris Christie actually touched Obama during Hurricane Sandy when he should have lured him to the Pine Barrens and hit him with a shovel.
Michele Bachmann compromised on gays by marrying her husband.
OK, I know MBACH isn’t on the roster this time around but I couldn’t resist.
Stephen Leacock, Canadian humorist.
Jeb Bush:
Probably not as bad as his brother.
Bernie Sanders knows he won’t be POTUS, but it doesn’t matter, he’s running to push the goalposts/Overton Window leftward, and America needs that bad.
Huckabee/Cruz/Walker speaks powerfully to America’s disembrained.
Bobby Jindal: how can someone so nerdy be so stupid?
Charles Pierce has already done Scott Walker better than I can, so here’s his:
Scott Walker: the goggle-eyed homunculus hired by Koch Industries to manage their subsidiary formerly known as the state of Wisconsin.
Scott Walker: Always look for the anti-union label.
Ted Cruz: Could you, would you vote for him in the rain? On a train? On a box? With a fox?
Rand Paul: Certified by his own board!
Marco Rubio: Bringing Cuba policy back to the 1960s!
Jeb Bush: Come and listen to a story 'bout a Bush named Jeb…
Bernie Sanders: Go left, young man, go left.
Hillary Clinton: Too old for cramps!
A phony with no scruples.
That’s Jeb all right!
Hillary Clinton just wants the rich to pay their fair share…in speaking fees.
Couldja narrow the field a little bit and toss a name in there, maybe?
Martin O’Malley: Capable, effective Mayor of Baltimore and Governor of Maryland; hopes to be liberal alternative to Hillary with actual executive experience.
I like that!
Jeb: probably not as bad as the worst President of my lifetime. 
A couple of minor candidates:
Jim Gilmore: a failed governor of Virginia.
Bob Ehrlich: a failed governor of Maryland.
Martin O’Malley: Rigging crime stats in Baltimore and rigging education stats in Maryland gives O’Malley support among the empirically minded liberal sophisticate.