Desperate old stranger needs frank opinions

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Dear Doping Community,

I am not a member but I come to you, as I really do not know where else to turn. Being of fixed income, I can not afford a membership. I have been keeping a secret for maybe a year now, something I am not exactly willing to share with my kin. I have for years now, been visiting this site and finding wisdom in the words of the users. I am not sure if this is the right venue for my problem, but I have, believe me, tried other forums but all I got was nonsense and ridicule. I am hoping you can help me out.

First, a quick background on myself. I am nearly 78 years old. I read my browser with the text settings on largest and dictate my typing with the help of a microphone. Although, my body is weak, I can say that I have a lucid mind.

My husband died long ago back in 1980. At that time, I was still a somewhat attractive older woman at 50 years old. Since then, I have lost all three of my children, all of them dying before their time, if you ask me. My one relative who I am in constant contact with is a granddaughter in her early 30’s who has blessed me with a great-grandson who is now 4 years old. I will call her Alice. Alice had the misfortune of becoming widowed rather young. Since losing her husband, she has had a series of relationships, all fleeting and it seems to me insignificant. Alice is making good money in her career and the benefits she got from her husband’s death. She pays for my very upscale and comfortable home for the aged. She set-up this computer for me, which has been my miraculous window to the world. Alice also graciously hired a young male nurse, I would say about 25 years old as he just graduated from nursing school, to be my companion and caretaker. Let us call him Sam.

Here is my situation now, I have noticed that Sam has taken a liking for Alice and has confided in me about his sincere intentions. Alice on the other hand has also confided in me that she fancies Sam, although for only prurient reasons. I hold no moral judgments against her; I am mentioning this so the reader will better understand what I am saying.

Now, to make matters worse, I find my decrepit self hopelessly falling for the good-natured Sam. Yes, something that I did not think possible anymore. I feel for him the same giddy infatuation that I felt so many years ago when I was still a schoolgirl. I also feel for him in ways too distasteful for you younger people to contemplate. I want the best for him and I know this is not Alice. There is a part of me that acknowledges this might only be pure jealousy, but I would like to think that it also comes with the wisdom of years. Besides, my granddaughter already told me so she would only take him up on his offer to bed her, if he ever asked it of her, and nothing more. She thinks him attractive enough for that but does not view him for a serious relationship as he is a hired hand, someone who makes significantly smaller income than she does right now.

I do now know what to do. Should I discourage them? I do not want to see him hurt; on the other hand, I also want to let Alice have what she wants in life. Sam seems genuinely happy when I see them together. Should I tell him how I feel and risk losing his companionship? Not to mention the ridicule I sense will come. Am I sane? Do you know of anyone who might have been in the same pathetic predicament? I do not want to be in love with someone who obviously, I have no hope of attracting or inspiring love from, but there it is. At this time of my life, I should only be serenely waiting for the end of my days but each day I fear that I will die. If there is an afterlife, it will be quite a while before I see dear Sam again. If there is no after life, then curse this life for getting me into this predicament too damn late.

Please be as honest as you can be, maybe I need a good slap upside the head for this folly; maybe I need words of encouragement. If you are a Sam, would you welcome a gift such as one I want to give? Would you even be curious, would you want to know of my feelings? Any opinions welcome, no matter how harsh they may be, I welcome all you have to say so do not spare anything. I have not found any help from my religion nor peers. So Dopers, please help me.

2

First of all, Blushing Battleaxe, welcome to the SDMB. I hope you enjoy your stay.

My husband is a nurse. He was warned when he went into private duty nursing that what you feel is an occupational hazard for him; female nurses get the same reactions sometimes from male patients. It is hard not to have feelings of love and affection for someone who takes care of you and provides companionship. I do, however, recommend that you keep your feelings to yourself - or vent them somewhere safe. I am not going to hazard a guess as to whether Sam would return your feelings - but I can say that it is against the ethical requirements of his profession for him to do so. If you declare your feelings for Sam, he might feel it necessary to resign from your case. Even if he didn’t resign it might make him very uncomfortable.

As for Sam and your granddaughter, my best recommendation is (my grandmother would yell at me for saying this to an older lady) to mind your own business. Getting involved in your granddaughter’s private life will bring you nothing but pain and may end up with her resenting you. She is being very kind to you - there are a lot of elders who don’t have as nice a place to stay as you do - and getting into her business is not a kind way to pay her back.

Sam is a grown man. If he can’t tell that a woman is interested in him just for giggles 'n tickles it is time he learned how. It might be that your granddaughter learns that earning ablility isn’t the only standard to use in looking for a companion. It might be that they have a brief physical fling. I just think it is in your best interests to stay completely out of it.

Best of luck and I hope to hear more from you during your guest membership.

3

Thank you for replying SnakesCatLady.

You have no idea how happy it makes me that someone cared to read my rambling post.

As of this writing, I am pretty much doing as you advised. But it is, by god, getting harder and more painful to hold it all in. As days go by, I imagine more scenarios playing out, both good and bad but my sane mind tells me all impossible. That is what makes me feel desperation. Hurts to hold it in. Too little time. No one to talk to. Ludicrous situation. Conflicting emotions of love and hate and fear. Obligation to Alice and Sam. Tra-la-la. How do I deal with all these?

I an curious as to what your husband said. Seems to suggest this happens a lot. Does he think its a fake kind of feeling? That I might not really be in love but, but what?

Others. please post what’s on your mind.

4

SnakesCatLady speaks wisdom. I’m gonna echo every word.

Welcome, Blushing Battleaxe. If you find that you want to stick around at the end of your guest period, let us know! A lot of members sponsor other members who cannot afford the subscription fee… “Check About This Message Board” and you’ll find threads where people ask for a sponsor/ offer sponsorship.

5

I agree with SCL but I must add physicality between Alice and Sam would likely just become awkward no matter what. Though there are people out there who take one-night-stands for what they are, there is every possibility someone in the nursing field is not quite so easily disregard their affairs.

And no matter what, you have to deal with them both. Unless Sam decides to quit.

Ideally everything would work out happily, but that really only happens in the movies.

I can suggest only to excercise caution.

6

I agree with everything SnakesCatLady said. She’s a wise one!

[QUOTE=Blushing Battleaxe]
Hurts to hold it in. Too little time. No one to talk to. Ludicrous situation. Conflicting emotions of love and hate and fear. Obligation to Alice and Sam. Tra-la-la. How do I deal with all these?
[/QUOTE]

You tell us about it. Vent your feelings - of love, lust, frustration or loneliness - here, where they won’t hurt anyone. Or you write (password protected!) long rambling gloriously terrible romantic stories about a heroine named BB and a young dashing hero named Sam. Fantasize, pleasure yourself when appropriate, but don’t complicate his life when you know he doesn’t (and ethically cannot) feel the same way about you.

I don’t think it’s fake at all. There is no such thing as fake love. You feel love. That’s wonderful and beautiful and to be encouraged. And because you love him, you’ll do everything you can to make his life as easy as possible - and that means you won’t embarrass him by unloading your feelings on him when it will put him in a difficult spot professionally and personally. Love, true love, means you want him to be happy, even if that means sacrificing a bit of your own short-term happiness to do it.

And really, that’s all it would be. If you unburden yourself by telling him of your feelings, you’ll have one moment of blissful release, and then immediately regret it. You’ll feel bad for embarrassing him. You’ll feel bad for putting him in the position of having to resign (as his Professional License demands) and then you’ll feel bad because you won’t get to see him again.

Go ahead and enjoy your excitement. Enjoy your love. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re showing him you love him every day by **not **telling him, even if he doesn’t know it.

7

I think it might also be a good idea to get a new nurse. That way if Sam and Alice do get together at least it will not be in your face. By that I mean if the two were to get together and you knew about it and Sam was still coming around caring for you then unpleasant feelings might start turning up, but if Sam is gone then those feelings might not show up or at least not be as strong. Also after a while of Sam being gone your feelings for him will fade as time goes on.

To reiterate what SnakesCatLady said. My stepbrother works for a private nursing company and he was told the same thing as SCL’s husband. That it is only natural to start feeling affection for someone who takes care of you. So getting a new nurse that Alice is not interested in might be a good thing.

8

Well, crap. You got a pretty good answer that I can only fuck up.
Welcome to the community.

9

Welcome, BB! I can’t add much to the excellence of the previous answers, but I’ll add that making a distance between you and Sam might be a good idea. I know well what it’s like to be attracted to someone and to be utterly powerless to do anything to fulfil that attraction. It twists a person right up. Sometimes the best you can do for the happiness of everyone concerned is get away from the situation.

10

I do not know how to do that box with the quotations inside so
Thank you for the welcomes. Thank you for taking the time to read my posting.
To Tahssa

Your idea sounds good. However, I am not ready for a new caretaker just yet. Sometimes, old ladies can be as bullheaded as toddlers, you see. But I will consider what you have said.

To Why not

If Sam and Alice get somehow involved, is he not voilating that Professional License too? I wish I could get a hold of one of those. Do you think I can at least warn Alice that she may be jeopardizing his job? This is confusing in a roundabout way. Alice is technically his employer.

11

[QUOTE=Blushing Battleaxe]
I do not know how to do that box with the quotations inside so

[/QUOTE]

You can either hit the blue “reply” button on the lower right hand side of someone’s post (which will put their entire post in the quote box, along with the username that posted it… as I did to quote you…) or you can type {quote} insert the text in here {/quote}; but replace the { with [.

Hope that makes sense…

12

[QUOTE=Astroboy14]
You can either hit the blue “reply” button on the lower right hand side of someone’s post (which will put their entire post in the quote box, along with the username that posted it… as I did to quote you…) or you can type {quote} insert the text in here {/quote}; but replace the { with [.

Hope that makes sense…
[/QUOTE]

New trick. I also learned this :cool:

13

Don’t feel guilty or weird about your feelings for Sam. They’re perfectly normal. My grandfather had a tremendous crush on the nurse who took care of him in his last years. Just don’t let Sam know, and enjoy your crush. People of all ages can enjoy an inappropriate crush now and then.

I disagree with the advice to get a new nurse. So long as you are appropriate with him, it is a good thing to have a relationship with your care worker that brings you joy. And it sounds like Sam enjoys working with you as well.

As for Alice and Sam–if I were you, I would stay out of it. Don’t feel obligated to help their relationship along. If Sam asks you for advice, perhaps you could say that you don’t think she’s looking for a serious relationship right now, but beyond that, I would try to stay out of it.

Would you like to be a member of this message board? I would be happy to take care of the fee.

14

Just because Sam is off-limits because of the strictures of his profession doesn’t mean that the same is true for the rest of his gender. Insofar as you’ve discovered to your surprise that the exclamation points can still !!!, consider finding someone. Not necessarily your own age but someone not structurally inappropriate.

15

[QUOTE=Q.N. Jones]
Don’t feel guilty or weird about your feelings for Sam. They’re perfectly normal. My grandfather had a tremendous crush on the nurse who took care of him in his last years. Just don’t let Sam know, and enjoy your crush. People of all ages can enjoy an inappropriate crush now and then.

I disagree with the advice to get a new nurse. So long as you are appropriate with him, it is a good thing to have a relationship with your care worker that brings you joy. And it sounds like Sam enjoys working with you as well.
[/quote]
:: nods ::

Well, if it’s good, then it’s good.

As would I… on payday (December 21st).

16

A rambling post?

Nay, I say!

You used proper punctuation and capitalization!

Two items, to name a few, that are always welcome.

If you keep it up like that we shall have you shouting " CITE", “n00b” and " fnord" before you know it. :slight_smile:
I cannot add any other words of wisdom that haven’t been covered.

17

[QUOTE=Shirley Ujest]
A rambling post?

Nay, I say!

You used proper punctuation and capitalization!

Two items, to name a few, that are always welcome.
[/quote]
I found the opening post (OP) delightful to read.

So, when do we tell BB about the in-jokes?

18

[QUOTE=Blushing Battleaxe]
To Why not

If Sam and Alice get somehow involved, is he not voilating that Professional License too? I wish I could get a hold of one of those. Do you think I can at least warn Alice that she may be jeopardizing his job? This is confusing in a roundabout way. Alice is technically his employer.
[/QUOTE]

Mmmmmm…it’s a bit of a gray area, probably. As far as I know, medical professional licenses prohibit sexual activity or relationships with patients, but if the patient isn’t the one footing the bill, then I’m not sure if they’re allowed relationships with the one writing the checks. My guess is that this probably wouldn’t be a violation of his license, that it, not a state issue, but it’s probably frowned upon, if not outright forbidden, by his employer, if he’s part of a nursing service. If he works as an independent contractor - that is, if your granddaughter hired him directly, not through an agency, then he’s probably in the clear to have sex with her if he wants to.

If I knew what state you lived in, I might be able to find the licensing code of conduct - the rules that he agreed to when he got his nursing license. Many states have them published online. You might be able to find it by googling the name of your state with Department of Professional Regulations, and following the link there.

For example, I can pull up the website of the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation. Then I click the link for the The Division of Professional Regulation, and I choose RN- Nurse Registered from the drop down menu. That takes me to this page,where I can find links to all the state legislature’s rules and regulations about nursing licensing, schools that can legally teach nursing, how to take nursing exams, etc. If I click on Nursing Rules(RN/LPN), it takes me to the Administrative Code, text of the actual laws which nurses have to follow to keep their license. Clicking on Section 1300.65 Unethical or Unprofessional Conduct in Nursing Practice, takes me to http://www.ilga.gov/commission/jcar/admincode/068/068013000000650R.html, where it says:

But you see, in Illinois, it doesn’t mention anything about sleeping with the person who’s paying you if you want to and that person isn’t your patient. It might still get someone in trouble, but it’s not part of the nursing license. Your state might be different, I don’t know.

It also makes a difference if he’s a real licensed nurse or an unlicensed home health care provider. I can’t give you legal advice, and I’m not a lawyer, but maybe I could find you a phone number to call or email to write a question to.

19

Welcome, BB!

While WhyNot is usually right, I have to agree with Sunspace here. “Enjoying unrequitted love” is possible, but it requires a lot of …well, I guess mental discipline, and a certain philosophical mindset. For most people, that is just too damn hard. For most of us, jealousy comes more naturally. And with jealousy, the temptation to convince ourselves that what we want is the best for everyone. You said yourself that you wonder if your concern for Sam is prompted by this jealousy, and I’d say that shows you have taken a brutally honest look at yourself. Kudo’s for that.
In your situation (and I’ve been in love with a boy inappropriately much my junior, as well, so I can imagine how you feel) trying to rise above your jealousy will be too difficult. Especially if you can’t easily talk about your feelings with others, as that usually takes the “power” away from emotions.

So if I were you, I’d concentrate on a decent way to have Sam replaced with someone else, someone less likely to inspire love or infatuation. How nice it would be if you found a companion instead that you could really talk to, laugh with… a friend, instead of a crush?

Maybe another Doper can come up with a scheme to have Sam honorably replaced. :slight_smile:

20

I will credit the correctness of the punctuations and spelling to this microphone and voice recognition software. I have to say it is not all that what it is made up to be because an old woman like me has to repeat certain words to get the moronic computer to understand me.

Other wise hair is an example of what this thing type stout.

Or I can type it up myslef using my own hjands, It is slower and I will be long ass dead before I even post it. My typing annoys me so!

If someone would be so kind enough to sponsor my membership, I would be very grateful. It goes without telling, I dare not ask Alice to pay for this.