Keep in mind, I’m a very talkative girl. :o
You’ve pretty much got it - I’m not over the whole thing. Otherwise this wouldn’t be a problem. 
My husband, as I said, is a saint, and my hero, and he knows this. It’s hard on him, too, but for different reasons. He loved this guy, too - obviously not the same way I did, but they were best friends for years. We both loved this guy. My husband and I both fall back sometimes, and we support each other. Sometimes he goes and asks our mutual friend about the ex on his own, just out of his own morbid curiousity. Sometimes, we both have to tell each other to stop picking at it!
You’ll have to take my word for it that we’re happily married, though. We’re both pretty reasonable people, and we know we’re both human who make mistakes, we fall down, and sometimes we do stupid things (including dwelling on silly things). This man taught me that love is easy, not stressful; trusting, and not suspicious. The ex doesn’t cause any marital strain. I can sometimes be an emotional and melodramatic girl - I try not to be, but I’d be lying if I said it never happened. My dear husband knew what he was taking on when he married me, and he knew I was still carrying emotional baggage. I made damn sure he knew that. 
He said he doesn’t care if it takes me until I’m 90 to get over it (or anything else), he loves me and knows I love him in return. Seriously, my husband is a patient, kind, understanding, and very loving man. But you know something? I deserve him, because I’m the same way.
My major problem, as it has been in the past in other situations, is that I’m very soft hearted. I hate to think I caused anyone pain, even if they deserved it. It
is also partly ego and also appearances: am I being a bitch? I don’t want to be a bitch. Honestly, I think that’s where a lot of my worry is stemming from: someone who knew me personally is out there telling people I’m an awful bitch, because I won’t forgive. There are two exes before him that are saying shit like that, and I hate it. Because there’s nothing I can say or do, but feebly think “no, that’s not true. I’m not a bad person. I’m not a bitch. Why do you keep saying mean things about me?”
It’s childish, but it’s honest. And I’m working on it. I know not everyone in the world can like me, and I can’t stop someone from telling lies. (regarding the two others, one was a huge manipulator who was abusive, and it took me a long time but I finally ran far, far away - the other guy, I don’t even know what his problem is. We dated in highschool, broke up pretty cleanly, and to this day he insists I started some kind of rumour about him being gay (I did’t), and refuses to be friends with anyone who will not hate me - granted, he’s shooting himself in the foot, but it’s still a little unnerving.)
Several other posters got it right on: the forgiveness isn’t for him, it’s for me. Let’s call this spade a damn spade: this is all about me. I don’t get to be selfish very often, but in this situation, I think I earned the right. I know what I said in my OP, and part of me still feels that way, that maybe, maybe I made a difference in his life by holding my ground, not being walked on, showed off my new backbone, all that good stuff. But after reading the responses here, if I’m honest with myself, this is all me.
Today, I feel much better. I don’t feel guilty, and have chosen to just keep the whole thing quiet. If my husband brings him up again, I’ll say, “Don’t. If you need to keep tabs on him to feel better, then you go ahead, but it’s none of my business.”
It *is * tough to get over somebody when they won’t go away. However, I have put myself in the new mindset that some people don’t have the luxury of having someone just disappear. So, I might have a new backbone and all, but I think it could stand to be a little more upright. And so it is. 
