Light a fire for a man, and he is warm for the night. Light a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
Once upon a time there was a fox strolling through the woods. He came upon a grape orchard. There he found a bunch of beautiful grapes hanging from a high branch.
“Boy those sure would be tasty,” he thought to himself. He backed up and took a running start, and jumped. He did not get high enough.
He went back to his starting spot and tried again. He almost got high enough this time, but not quite.
He tried and tried, again and again, but just couldn’t get high enough to grab the grapes.
Exasperated, the fox called his lawyer, who helped the fox sue the owner of the vineyard for emotional damages. The fox walked away with a cool $18 million dollars.
Suddenly the man was buried by a crushing wave of sand.
Jesus said, “In Soviet Russia, beach walks on YOU.”
“That’s Spartacus over there!”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he says “what the hell, yesterday you just gave me the damn fish!”
The Onion did a brilliant Point-Counterpoint on this story. The headline on the counterpoint is “Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints.”
There was a doper - a Cafe Society regular if I recall correctly, who had the signature:
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day – Teach a man to fish, he drinks beer for a lifetime
Give a man a fire and he’s warm for one day. Set him on fire and he’s warm for life.
A Christian sits stranded on the roof of his flooded house, and prays to God to save him.
A rescue boat arrives, but the Christian refuses the offer of help, telling them that God will save him.
A helicopter arrives, but the Christian refuses the offer of help, telling them that God will save him.
Eventually, the Christian drowns. At the gates of heaven, he asks God “Why did you not save me?”
And God says:
“I hate Christians”.
1 And again Jesus spoke to them in parables, saying, 2 "The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a marriage feast for his son,3 and sent his servants to call those who were invited to the marriage feast;but they would not come. 4 Again he sent other servants, saying, Tell those who are invited, Behold, I have made ready my dinner, my oxen and my fat calves are killed, and everything is ready; come to the marriage feast.' 5 But they made light of it and went off, one to his farm, another to his business, 6 while the rest seized his servants, treated them shamefully, and killed them. 7 The king was angry, and he sent his troops and destroyed those murderers and burned their city. 8 Then he said to his servants, The wedding is ready, but those invited were not worthy. 9 Go therefore to the thoroughfares, and invite to the marriage feast as many as you find.’ 10 And those servants went out into the streets and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good; so the wedding hall was filled with guests. 11 “But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment; 12 and he said to him, Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment?' And he was speechless. 13 Then the king said to the attendants, Bind him hand and foot, and cast him into the outer darkness; there men will weep and gnash their teeth.’ 14 For many are called, but few are chosen.”
Then one of the other guests said, “Hey, Fucktard! You invited him! Nobody said anything about a fucking Wedding Garment!”
Then all of the guests fell on the king, beat the shit out of him, and threw him in the street, where he was devoured by stray dogs.
The wife of the king began to wail and pleaded with the guests, “Oh why have you treated your host so badly? Did he not invite you to his great feast?”
And the guests said unto her, "Shut the fuck up. He was a petty nit-picking bureaucrat. "
And they ate all of his food, drank all of his wine, porked his wife and daughters and pissed in his well. They still talk about what a great time they had.
**NoPretentious…**Me on crutches heeheehee
A man visits Hell and Heaven.
In Hell, he sees people starving despite the food in front of them, because they are only provided with extremely long chopsticks.
In Heaven, he is surprised to find the same chopstick situation, but everyone is well fed and satisfied. “How can this be?” he asks.
The guide replies:
“In Heaven, we hold up the chopsticks and chow down into our food face first like base animals until our lungs scream from anoxia”.
…and Jesus said “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”
And the woman was hit between the eyes with a stone, and Paul did say “Nice shot Jesus!”
PT
Another version…
…and Jesus said “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”
And the woman was hit between the eyes with a stone, and Jesus exclaimed, “Dammit, Mom!”