One morning, a man was walking along the beach when he saw another man in the distance, at the water’s edge, frantically throwing something out into the sea.
As he got closer, he noticed that the shore was covered with tens of thousands of starfish; the stranger was throwing them one by one out into the deep water offshore.
He said to the stranger in a startled, somewhat selfrghteous tone,“there must be thousands of these starfish washed up all along this beach for miles. you cant make a difference or throw them all back into the sea. there are simply too many for you to make a difference.”
To this the stranger merely bent down and picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, he replied,“made a difference to that one!”
Later that day, a third man happened upon the two men, both frantically running back and forth throwing starfish into the sea with big smiles on their faces. “What are you doing?” he asked the two men. “Rescuing these starfish” came the breathless, joyous reply.
“You fucking moronic wankers!” exclaimed the third man, “These starfish are Leptasterias hexactis - they don’t need ‘rescuing’ - their habitat is right here in the intertidal zone; even if their fragile bodies could survive being hurled out to the deep water, they would not survive there. How many have you killed today?”
One night a man dreamed
he was walking along the beach with Jesus.
The sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand.
When he looked back at the footprints in the sand,
He noticed that many times there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that this happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
“Excuse me, Jesus? You said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”
"You fucking moronic wanker!
"You still can’t remember those times you blacked out after
"bingeing on malt liquor and fortified wine?
"I still haven’t gotten those stains out of my shroud!
"…carted your sorry ass around all night!
“I suppose you don’t remember trying to lift up your sister-in-law’s blouse either!”
Once upon a time, there was a slave named Androcles and he was owned by a great and terrible emperor. One day, Androcles angered the emperor and ran away. While wandering lost in the woods, he comes across a fierce lion that was lame. Gradually Androcles worked up enough testicular fortitude to approach the snarling lion. Finding a huge thorn in the lion’s paw, Androcles gently removed it. The lion, feeling much better, goes along his merry way. Androcles is so proud of himself that he begins to whistle as he wanders. The emperor’s guards hear him and drag Androcles back to his master. The mighty emperor has had quite enough of this lazy slave and sentences Androcles to death in the Coliseum. Androcles is terrified when the cage in the coliseum opens and out charges a hungry lion. But the lion recognizes the slave as his forest nurse and refuses to eat him. The emperor is much changed by this humble sight of great friendship and he vows to show his appreciation to his friends. He orders his guards to bring Androcles and the lion to his dining hall. Here the emperor has a great feast for all his royal court; roast lion for his friends, finely chopped slave for their pets.
The moral of this tale? You just can’t find good help these days.
And then Jesus turned to him and said “What, you think you’re the only guy on this beach?! I can only be in so many places at once. I had make my face appear in an omelette, alright? Me on crutches, you Me-Damned selfish bastard! You couldn’t walk twelve feet on your own? This is a beach dude! It’s not exactly tough going! Well, I’m walkin’ with you now, big-shot! Anything else I can do for you? Maybe a few sins I can die for… Again.”
An old lady was out gathering wood for her fire one snowy day.
She picked up what she thought was a stick; only to find that it was a viper, stiff from the cold.
She tucked the snake in her bag and took it home.
Back at her cottage, she placed the snake in front of the hearth where the warmth began to revive him. She gave him a saucer of warm milk to restore his strength.
Then she released her pet mongoose, who promptly seized the snake in his powerful jaws and severed its spine with a single bite.
The old woman laughed delightedly for she was a sadistic old bitch and the winters there were long and boring.
…and the third time the little boy cried ‘wolf’, the neighbors didn’t come running, not that it mattered, since there was no wolf and there likely would never be one again due to habitat destruction, hunting and casual DDT use.
The plague was upon the valley, and the old man was one of many who had contracted the disease. Knowing he was dying, he used his last breath to implore his son Ali to flee to the city of Baghdad, which had so far been spared the devastation. The son obeyed, and was spotted by Death in the marketplace of the metropolis. Death wore a stunned look on his face as he turned to his ethereal companion.
“Why so surprised, Grim Reaper? Were you not expecting to see Ali today?”
“I sure was, but he’s already three hours late – I figured he had lost his way and was never going to show up before I had to quit waiting around so I could make it to Samara for my evening appointments!”
[Footprints]he was walking along the beach with Jesus.
The sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand.
When he looked back at the footprints in the sand,
He noticed that many times there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that this happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
“Excuse me, Jesus? You said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”[/Footprints/]
Jesus replied, “Son, it was then that we were both hopping on one foot.”
One day a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family.
When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”
“Very good Dad!”
“Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Yeah!” “And what did you learn?”
The son answered, “I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon.”
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless. His son added, “Just kidding Dad, that’s just what those stupid poor people believe!”
A dying father asked his three sons to come to his hospital bed. He told them that he would hand over the successful family business to whomever could fill the room up with the most, using only a single dollar. The father handed each of the sons a dollar, and bid them to go out.
When they returned, the first son said “I bought these two pillows with your dollar”. He opened them up and spread out the feathers. At first, they filled the whole room, but then they settled, leaving the room unfilled.
The second son said “I went to my friend’s farm and bought these two bales of hay for the dollar”. He spread out the hay, and at first he filled the room. But soon the hay settled and the room was still unfilled.
The third son said “I went to a corner store, like the one you owned when you were just starting out in your business. I bought a matchbox and a candle”. He lit the candle, and the room was filled. Not with hay or feathers, but with light.
“Very good, my son. You have learned how to let your light shine. Therefore, you shall inherit-”
Just then the flame from the match melted through the oxygen line to the mask on the father’s face. The oxygen spewed into the room, spreading the flame to the flammable parts of the bed. The whole room caught fire, killing the already-weakened father and the three sons. The flames spread to the rest of the hospital, contributing to 13 deaths. In all, the third son had caused more than 17.5 million dollars of damage. At his funeral, his closest friend said “He was a good guy, but what a fucking idiot!”
