I’ve got a small Slimline, and a larger Jelly Passion. Just got 'em this weekend. So far, I like the Slimline best - I just got these last weekend, and have never used a vibrator before. Since the Slimline is smaller, it was less invasive and easier to get used to, though I’m warming up to the second as well. (Yes, I got two - since I’d never used one, I wanted two different sizes in case I didn’t like one, and I’m very glad I did.)
On a slightly related note, those vibrators that look like giant cocks make me laugh. Yes, I know I’m completely immature. But they’re enormous, and so often have pictures of Fabio-like men on the packaging.
Man, you totally stole my response. Anyway, I always had the same problem. Heck, I never actually had one 'til I was 29. Discovering vibrators opened up a whole new world. I think some women just need a lot more stimulation than others.
Word of caution tho’: A friend of mine who had never had difficulty orgasming got a Hitachi 'cause she had always heard great things about it. She loved it but…after a couple of weeks, she found she had difficulty orgasming with just her boyfriend (who happened to be my brother, I so did not want to hear about it). Her gynecologist advised her to stop using the magic wand as the intense stimulation was decreasign her sensitivity.
So, if you have problems, and the Hitachi works, go for it. I wouldn’t give mine up for anything. If you don’t have problems, use it with caution.
For me, orgasms during shared sex and orgasms while masturbating are VERY different for me. When I’m solo, I’m concentrating totally on 1 set of sensations, and everything is working towards that. When I’m with a partner, there are all of a sudden lots of different things going on. Lots of skin contact. Noices. Smells. Concentration split between what I’m doing and what’s being done to me.
Masturbating gives me a very sharp, very dramatic orgasm. Shared sex gives me a more drawn out, much less intense orgasm. Think jumping off a cliff compared to going over a low hill. Until I figured out this was what was happening to me, I would sometimes miss the fact that I actually had orgasmed with a partner. I was expecting the cliff.
I have two suggestions, barring medical complications preventing orgasm, or any other medically diagnosed sexual dysfunction.
When you’re really, really close… and you just can’t get there… (ladies, you know what I mean, right?) speed up your breathing. This is not a 100% effective trick, but often, I find beginning to pant and concentrate on my breathing gets me right over the top, where I wanna be, should you dig that. I think it’s actually probably a meditative technique I’m using: the concentration on my breathing takes my focus off my anxiety that I’m close enough, but still not getting off and whamo! My problems are solved.
My other suggestion was communication. If you can get off by yourself, that means you know what you like and what it takes. Now you have to direct your partner to do exactly that, in whatever way works best for you. Show him, tell him, write a long letter of instructions, draw a map…
Finally, I’ll throw out one other idea. Personally, I have some trust issues. If I do not completely trust the person (like 'em or not doesn’t seem to matter with me), I will not get off, toys, panting, etc. regardless. No trust = No Big O. I’m not suggesting you may need to think about trust in your relationships. I’m just saying. Sometimes that’s what my trouble is about. Sometimes it’s just distraction. Sometimes it’s due to poor direction-giving. (You know men never stop to ask directions!)
that is why i asked a couple weeks ago if men felt different comparing between oral sex and sex with a partner. I orgasm differently from straight oral and penetration. Oral is more like the sharp masturbatory release you describe, and the longer partnered release.
This may or may not be relevant, but I don’t see it mentioned and it’s definitely and orgasm-inhibiting factor.
If you’re on any medication for depression or anxiety, orgasming becomes damn near impossible. It takes incredible will of mind and body, and would be totally impossible if you haven’t learned how to get there already. I don’t know if this has any bearing on your problem, monica, but with the frequency that SSRIs are prescribed, and the fact that a doctor* usually won’t take the time to discuss that side effect, especially with women, it’s a possibility that one wouldn’t make the connection.
ZJ
*No offense to any of the doctors on this board. My doctors have never mentioned it, and have never seemed too concerned when I have. Rather, they have gleefully suggested more drugs to counteract the one side effect. I’m perpetually weighing the pros and cons between sanity and sex.
I’m on Prozac. See, my father is a doctor. And whenever he thinks I might be depressed, his solution is to throw meds at me (not literally, but you know what I mean). It seemed easier to take the Prozac than to argue with him, plus I sometimes do become borderline depressed. And of course, my father isn’t going to be discussing the difficulty of orgasming while on anti-depressents with me. :smack: I’ve never heard of that side effect before, though.
Its not only about knowing your partner… its also not working 14 hr days and thinking you’re going home to get a big orgasm. We men who have it much easier have a hard time coming when we work too much. So if your working like mad… forget good sex… good sex requires time and an relaxed mind. Now if you prefer a promotion rather than orgasms… so sorry for you.
Second is be more comfortable with yourself. Women obsess with celulitis, being fat and any minimal defect. If a man is in bed with you he must like you… or at least wants to sleep with you. Worry about yourself… not what they are thinking. If you enjoy it… chances will be he will enjoy it more. Once a man likes you… he will notice the “defects” less and less… and remember the hot sex more and more.
Third… forget social conventions. If you suck dick… do anal… scream or anything else in private its your and his problem only. Do what you want to do… if you have kinky fantasies do bring them up once in a while. If you do boring sex… you have boring results. Really get into it. Your not going to live forever are you ?
Fourth... masturbate... think about sex... really build up to it even before your with your partner. Its incredible how badly women deal with masturbation... and therefore guilt and pleasure. Your brain is your biggest sexual organ... not your clitoris (which is connected to your brain).
(Cruel and Mean Fifth… hehe… get out of church… Religion screws sex up !)
Oh, this could definately be it. I have been on ssri’s for years. I switched to a different type of anti-depressant and could make it happen, but I went bat shit crazy. I hate that choice between sanity and sex, and wish I could get rid of that side effect.
That is very similar to my own experience. My problem is that I have only twice in my life, and both very recently, orgasmed during intercourse without manual stimulation of any sort. Unfortunately the position and rhythm that was required is not one that is comfortable for my partner due to mobility limitations, alas, but we have our own techniques that work. The former partner was not all that well endowed, but he knew how to position me for maximum effect, so to speak and involved shallow, quick thrusting.
I also have what I think is the mythical vaginal orgasm, and while they are not as sharp and intense as clitorial orgasms, are nice on their own merits. They usually involve deeper thrusting.
I was on Depo-Provera for 3 years, and then Lexapro (a SSRI) for one after that (for the depression caused by the Depo). I had a much harder time orgasming on the Depo than on the Lexapro, but that could have just been a depressed/not depressed thing.
I’ve worked in a pharmacy for a few years, and a lot of our women customers have switched to Wellbutrin because it is much less likely to affect your sex drive. AFAIK it isn’t an SSRI - I don’t think we even know how it works, in fact, but it does seem to be effective against depression with fewer side effects than Prozac or Zoloft.
I didn’t orgasm regularly during partner sex until I was about 28 years old. I did occasionally, but it was definitely not a regular thing. Then I found a partner who made it his number one priority to perform oral sex on me until I came, every single time. In the beginning, it took forever, like half an hour or more, but over a few months, I would come faster and faster. We even had the code “twenty minutes” for having sex because that was how long it took for quite some time. I think your partner’s interest in your orgasm, as well as the trust you have that they will give you an orgasm, makes a huge difference.
Funny thing, I went on Wellbutrin and some other meds fairly recently. And sex/orgasms dropped off like a tech stock in '01. But he’s been wooing me, basically doing what he did when we first met, and I am achieving orgasms again and my sex drive is slowly coming back.
Another thing: When I masturbate with a vibrator, it makes it way harder for him to stimulate me within the next 24 hours or so. Manual masturbation does not cause a problem at all.
As a rule of thumb, a physician should not treat a family member for significant illnesses, except in an emergency. To do so is considered extremely poor practice, and in some jurisdictions is considered an ethical (or boundary) violation. FWIW to you.
And yes, SSRI’s can spell arousal and orgasmic difficulty for both genders.
QtM - is this a common opinion amoungst docs? I’ve always been treated for my mental illess by a psych, but lately the family docs want to take care of it.
</HIJACK>
With regards to Wellbutrin. I tried this. I asked for it because I was unable to come on Celexa. When I switched, I was able to orgasm, but it didn’t treat my depression at all and made me very jittery. FYI.
I wish there was some negotiation between being treated for depression and having a happy sex life.
I think you misunderstand. I said doctors should not treat members of their own families, under most circumstances.
As for your other issue, I think that a competent family physician can treat depression with anti-depressants, if they are current with the meds and side effects, and if (the bigger if) they have a good working relationship with both a therapist who will work with the patient, and a psychiatrist who will serve as a consultant at need.
To back up QtM, yes, it’s pretty commonly stated that doctors shouldn’t treat their own family members (not that Family Doctors shouldn’t treat.) Heck, I’m “only” a massage therapist and herbalist and I find my own family my worst “patients.” If I was dealing with anything other than colds and sniffles, I wouldn’t be able to see clearly and treat well. While most of us want concern and compassion in our physicians, you don’t want someone who’s so emotionally invested that they can’t make sometimes difficult and realistic decisions. Plus, there’s times during difficult treatments when the patient needs someone to be mad at: mad for bringing bad news, mad for insisting on treatment that makes them feel shitty, mad for causing them pain, mad for giving them a drug that killed their ability to orgasm. That anger is a much overlooked part of the grief and healing process. It’s much safer emotionally to be mad at someone who’s not your family support, as well.
And doctors should never, ever treat themselves. “The physician who treats himself has a fool for a patient,” someone once said and every healthcare practitioner repeats to herself ruefully the first time she tries and fails. Due to Murphy’s Law Corollary #419, the moment you yourself are sick, everything you ever learned in school flies right out of your head!
There are several good books out, some with silly titles, but nonetheless, good information.
For the inexperienced or fearful to experience one’s own body, try a book called “227 ways to unleash the Sex Goddess within” which has its silly moments, but does quite well in providing well over 175 excellent ideas on how to learn to allow and accept pleasure, both self-pleasure, as well as from a partner. You will learn things you never knew, and I don’t care how experienced you are…
:o
Another book, called “Sexual Estasy” is excellent, and covers the fact that there are three types of orgasms a woman can experience. Very well written, and explains that there is really less than 3% of the female population that is truly unable to have an orgasm, but that many, many of us cannot orgasm just because a guy is pumping away…
:smack:
Some websites are: www.sexpert.com or net (can’t recall) www.tantra.com www.sexualwelfare.com www.marsvenus.com (yes, the author of the book) www.anythingromantic.com www.romanticintimates.com www.girlfriendtogirlfriend.com (also a book) www.willyxxxlinks.com (discusses female ejaculation/g-spot) :eek:
Well, you can open your can of whoop-ass on my husband instead. He won’t let me have toys because he considers it a form of infidelity. Of course, this doesn’t keep me from usiing them (secretly). But when he thinks I’ve been using them, he gets depressed, and I have to reassure him that I still love him.
Religion screws sex up !)
