We have a relative who …
Our rule is that as she enters our house she has to hand over her cell phone. She understands how much that kind of thing annoys us and she accepts it as “the price of admission” as she puts it. It has worked out pretty well so far but as her daughter gets older we’ll have to see. People raised with a phone attached to their hand my not be as understanding as someone in their late 20s.
I guess I’m holding the minority opinion here.
Yes, here behavior was rude, but correcting her is even more egregious. She is a guest in your home, she is not there for you to teach her proper manners.
Sure, mention it to your nephew some time in private. Sure, ask that he not bring her to dinner. But correcting someones manners is just atrocious, IMHO.
I would agree with your first two paragraphs - it sounds like she really doesn’t understand how strongly the OP feels about phone use and that, above and beyond a quick phone check away from the table, spending extensive time on your phone is typically considered very rude.
That said, I usually do expect the adults to stay at the table until everyone is finished. Kids I get - I think expecting them to sit still after dinner or any meal is unrealistic. When we have guests, we usually let the kids have their own table so they can jump up and down and do their thing without having to disrupt us. And honestly I couldn’t give two shits about our kids’ progress in Minecraft, and they couldn’t give two shits about whatever it is the adults talk about. But it’d be weird for an adult to have such a limited attention span they couldn’t wait a few minutes and join in the conversation. After all, I don’t usually invite people to my home if I don’t like talking to them, and there’s almost always conversation at my table, whether it’s family or friends; the least they can do is chill out without diving for their phone.
Being aggressive and judgmental is far worse than someone isolating themself by using their cellphone.
The next time, invite your nephew’s girlfriend, and my mother. She has a Disapproving Frown that will fry the circuits in the phone at a hundred paces. If you think that’s too subtle, you haven’t met my mother.
If you are reluctant to violate the Geneva Convention in that way, have the alpha female at the table say “I could never abide those things, because then I can’t talk to the people I want to. Put it away and tell us if our nephew is treating you well. How many children do you plan to have?”
Subtlety is the key.
Regards,
Shodan
I’m with you.
As for phone use at meals, how do you guys look up a question that might come up in conversation. How old was Babe Ruth when he hit his last homerun, or such.
I don’t “surf” on my phone, but I do like to have it handy for a few quick checks during the meal. Having once missed 17 calls telling me my daughter was in the ER has made me a bit neurotic.
I’ve heard this as an argument against cell phone use. Supposedly it kills conversation if you can settle a question just by googling something rather than arguing it out.
Agreed, but since she was invited by your nephew, I think it’s up to him to set expectations. Talk to him, privately, and ask him to explain to his girlfriend (or anyone else he brings) the expectations. If this were someone you invited, the onus would be on you to set expectations. Not during dinner, though, and not in front of others. Two wrongs and all…
I agree that the OP’s guest is being extremely rude.
However, these comments about “handing over” phones or dropping them in jars or bowls are bizarre and obnoxious. My phone is my personal property. No one is “confiscating” it like I’m some naughty 2nd grader caught chewing gum.
In situations where phone use is inappropriate, my phone is set to silent and remains in my jacket pocket. Anyone who thinks they have a right to take it from me can fuck right off.
Yeah, this comes close to where I’m at on this. I’m really conflicted on what to do. I don’t want to alienate my nephew. I have told him I think her phone behavior is rude and he says it drives him nuts, too, so maybe the relationship won’t be very long term.
The woman (in her 40s, btw) is not shy or introverted; she works as a social director. She does not come to my dinners only because my nephew drags her along; she rearranged her schedule so whe could come after hearing others rave about my risotto (which she hasn’t gotten yet).
After eating the meal isn’t totally over … there is coffee and a few minutes of social chit chat.
Most of you agree that the behavior is rude. She is certainly aware that I think it is rude; I could see the anxiousness in her during the last meal when she waited until after eating to whip out the phone. It is an addiction.
I’d still like to hear comments or suggestions.
The brisket recipe is the Atlanta Brisket from Cook’s Country / America’s Test Kitchen (which is derived from a recipe by James Beard (which used dried onion soup mix). They seem to have taken down all their youtube videos and charge money to access their website; I have their cookbook with the recipe. There are several websites around that have the recipe in an unifringing way.
Anyway, here’s a link with the instructions – I don’t serve it the day it is cooked, I refrigerate it again overnight (still in the sauce in the baking dish), pick off the solidified fat the next day, slice it thin on the diagonal, then put the slices back in the sauce and heat it up. The stuff comes out fork tender, no knife needed, and always gets raves.
Y’all act like “not being invited back” is something she will regret, but her actions are explicitly making clear that she doesn’t care if she’s there. Getting uninvited will probably be a breath of relief for her because now she can finally get out of going somewhere she finds boring. If you weren’t boring, she wouldn’t be on her phone. You need to understand actions are louder than words. It amazes me that people still don’t understand that a person ignoring you means they don’t want to interact with you very much. Her actions are rude and she knows it. Now, will you get the message?
All the passive-aggressive bullshit about, “I would say, ‘Are you done?’ every time.” is tiresome. Read her cues already. She doesn’t care. She only put up with your rules the one time for the bare minimum to try and pretend to be polite. She doesn’t want to be there. Anyone on their phone rather than interacting with what’s in front of them means they don’t find what’s in front of them interesting. No matter how wonderful or amazing you think the thing in front of them is, if they’re not interacting with it, they don’t share your opinion.
mine’s still the same. she’d be off of my invite list. how your nephew handles that is up to him.
Seconding this. One of my cousins tried this once at a family dinner, and I still remember how shocked she was when I actually turned around and walked out rather than give her my phone.
She sounds like she’s intelligent enough to be talked to and understands that you don’t like the phone. Just state calmly and clearly what your expectations are and let nature take its course. And if that doesn’t work, present it, regretfully, as a house rule.
She’s not going to spit in the face of that; she’ll obey while she’s there. If she chooses of her own accord not to come back in order to be able to stay constantly online, well, that’s her choice.
It’s not that my nephew drags her along; she asked, quite enthusiastically and charmingly to be included, even changing her work schedule so she could attend … that’s how she got on the ‘auto-include list’. He lives next door, so of course, he’s auto-include. And I really really don’t want to alienate him, not just out of family crap, but, in the vein of the virtue of selfishness, he is very helpful with handyman and mechanical stuff around the house (not something I’m good at) and I help him out with his computer and other technical stuff that he doesn’t have a knack for.
At this point, I’d say let it go. You’re still getting your nephew’s time and attention, and she’s met you halfway by putting it away while people are eating. Her job may be the “always on” kind where people are hitting her up with problems at all hours; a social director of some sort could be overseeing events in the evening. This may be the most she’s able to offer in order to make time to be with your nephew.
Social Director… or Social Media Director? The later would require you to basically glued to your phone.
Social Director; she organizes fun and games for the guests at a resort.
Her phone use at the dinner table is not work related – it is social media (and yes, I am sure of that).
It’s rude of course, but so what?
I don’t see any reason to blow a blood vessel over it. Let it slide. You’ll feel better. She probably will too.
Or ban all phone use while in the room with the table in it. You’ll feel better, and she’ll deal with it.