Aren’t BOTH guests and hosts supposed to be gracious? Or is that an outdated idea?
As a host, I would not tell a guest that he/she is using the wrong fork or holding it improperly (however that might be). I wouldn’t tell a female guest that she’s wearing white too early in the year (whenever that may be). I wouldn’t tell a guest that I don’t like their tattoo(s).
But, as a guest, I understand that I might be asked to take off my shoes or cover my head (in a place of worship) and I have no problem with that. If my host implied that non-emergency use of a phone at the dinner table was not the norm, I would smilingly comply. I also eat anything that is put before me without complaint. (Waivers are available for this because of legitimate dietary restrictions and allergies, but I absolutely hate olives and I’ve eaten a whole bunch of them as a guest.)
Yikes, that’s further than I’d go. One is not expected to clear their plates if they hate the experience. They should be tactful about it, of course, but no.
The thing is, if you are capable of putting your phone on “silent”, putting it in your pocket and interact with those around you then you’re not part of the problem. There’s no reason to take your phone because you are able to set it down.
It’s the people who can’t do that who are the problem. And I agree, it’s insulting to treat adults like naughty toddlers. Which is why I just don’t invite such people back rather than try to change their behavior.
“Social director”? If there is always some event in process, she might be scrolling through texts to ensure no one has burned the creme brûlée or that the head speaker didn’t bail. Not quite an ER doctor, but some jobs are 24/7.
I think the point Leaffan is making is that if she has other enjoyable qualities and he gains something from her inclusion be it time with his nephew, family harmony or something to bitch about on the internet, then so what.
Yes, she is rude, but on the spectrum of obnoxious behaviour, this is kind of a so what. Part of being a gracious host is being warm and understanding when your guest commits a social gaff, and then bitching about it to your spouse when the guests have left.
it’s not one-sided. if you claim you want to attend dinner at someone’s house, then do nothing but stare at your phone while shoveling food down your gullet, that’s more than a “gaffe.” that’s “I don’t really want to be here.” If you didn’t want to be there, you shouldn’t have gone. you don’t go and then act like a self-absorbed jackass.
You’re completely in the right to be perturbed, but as they’re adults rather than kids who don’t have the freedom to make their own social choices I have to ask - are you willing to die on this hill? The older I get the more I see fractured families and friendship circles where So&So doesn’t talk w/ WhatsTheirName b/c they don’t get called Grandma even though they were told they are a grandma; or relatives don’t invite certain people to showers and such b/c those guests won’t participate in getting rip-roaring drunk.
These folks put a feeling ahead of a relationship. Feelings won’t visit you in the hospital no matter how right they are.
This is absurd and you are leaping to conclusions. She is just a somewhat compulsive cell phone user.
Don’t confiscate her phone before dinner. She is not a student at your middle school. Figure out if this is something you can tolerate. (Obviously she enjoys being there or she wouldn’t come at all.) Try to engage her in conversation. If it really really bugs you talk to her politely, out of other’s earshot. She obviously likes the food, but like a lot of people does not see her behavior as rude. If you can’t tolerate it, don’t invite her. If you are annoyed by it but want your nephew to come over, learn to live with it.
Sure. And she’s demonstrated that she’s not a gracious guest. So what? If Turble decides that her presence at his dinner outweighs her lack of grace then he needs to smile, be welcoming and kind and overlook her faults.
She’s not an errant teenager. She’s a 40 something woman who uses her phone at the table and it’s notTurble’s job to train her to be gracious.
Invite her or don’t, but you don’t get to be an obnoxious host because you’re presented with an obnoxious guest.
When two or more people are assembled for a single purpose, devices are put away.
I agree: Invite the nephew, specifying that the girl friend is not to come with him. When he asks why, say you don’t need a cell phone addict at the table.
My mother, a DAR, married a WV coal-miner’s son (my father). My father apparently got a few years of boot-camp in manners and etiquette (and grammar, but that’s another story).
My mother carried on that tradition with her children. There were many, many “rules,” but some of them included (1) you must have some of everything that is on the table, (2) as a guest, you never refuse what you are offered and never make negative comments, (3) you never start eating until all food has been passed or until everyone has been served, and (4) you never smell your food in an obvious manner. I know these sound ridiculous to some, but that’s the way it was. I could list at least a couple dozen more such “rules” having to do with eating, but I’m sure you get my point.
I was once a guest in a Korean household and given the fish head in my soup. It was either a joke or an honor…who knows? I had absolutely no idea what was expected of me. Was it just a some sort of “formality”? Was I supposed to try eating it? If so, what part was I supposed to eat? I only had chopsticks and a spoon.
This just might be the worst advice I have ever seen on this board, assuming you actually like your nephew and want to see him again. If you want to prove that you are far ruder than his girlfriend and never want them to come back, then it might be useful.
In short, the social rule that you invite both halves of a couple is far older and stronger than any rule regarding cellphones. Most people have no interest in going to a social situation where their romantic partner is not welcome, indeed some get quite offended. If you have a problem with a guests behavior, you either grin and bear it or you talk privately with that guest, you don’t dump it on the guest’s partner, who has no power to actually change the behavior. Finally, calling someone an addict is an insult, and it is generally considered extremely poor form to insult your guests while they are in your home.
Just because someone says they want to come over for dinner doesn’t mean they actually do. No matter how nicely or charmingly they say so, because there’s so many social contracts at play about what “good people” do to pressure them into saying these things. As I said before, actions speak louder than words. If getting uninvited really* is not* what she was aiming for, then she’ll change her behavior accordingly once she gets uninvited. Actions louder than words, again. Or you can just not die on this hill because if she’s otherwise a pleasant guest and not a waste of time to have over (i.e. she interacts with both you and the phone), then what’s the difference whether she’s on her phone or not.
I have a “no phones at the table” rule in my house. Several times I have had to point out the rule with a “would you mind taking that in the other room, there is a no phones at the table rule here.”
I’ve gotten eye-rolls from some surly teens, but never had it escalate beyond that. Most people have encountered such a rule before in school, work or at a relative’s house, so the concept is not foreign.
At this point, since she is waiting until everyone has eaten, I’d let it go and call it “meeting her halfway.” Even a private conversation that results in her staying away or being uncomfortable will make other guests feel awkward. If your nephew hasn’t gotten through to her by now about his own feelings, an outsider won’t.
In this case in this particular situation, not wanting to chance a far-reaching family feud or potential problems with a very good neighbor, I have decided to take the grin and bear it approach. I will, however, tell that story about the queen at the next gathering.
I had an experience along this line at a party this past holiday season. A couple (also in their 40s) sat on a sofa, feet up and facing each other so nobody else could sit. During the two and a half hours I was there neither of them ever looked up from their phones or said a word to anyone. The other guests I have spoken to since all said they will be excluding that couple from future gatherings.
As more people start dropping the phone addicts from their social affairs I envision these people (the phone junkies) becoming more and more detached from ‘real’ society, wrapped up totally in their echo-chamber online bubble, exposed only to internet memes and whatever style of fake news they choose, never being exposed to views different from their own. I find that sad and disturbing.
There’s a good chance I’ll be moving out of this area in the next couple of years. If I do, I’m giving serious consideration to posting a “No cell phones” sign on my new front door to prevent this kind of problem.
It seems odd to use the word “inclusion” to describe someone who explicitly excludes herself from the social interactions at the dinner table.
Yes, there are many little things that should be overlooked. A guest’s complete absence from the dinner table except for the purpose of stuffing her face is not “little”, and certainly not one of those things that can be easily overlooked.
Exactly. When you are invited to someone’s home for dinner, it’s a social occasion, not purely an opportunity to feed like a pig at the trough while indulging in your own obsessive pastimes.
