In the 1975 Gene Hackman film Night Moves, which I just watched on DVD, a film director is talking about a stuntman who seems to be hitting on every woman at the bar. The director says: “He’d fuck a woodpile, on the chance there’s a snake in it.” Oh SNAP, say whaaaat? That just gets dirtier the more I think about it.
And this was like six or seven years after the Hays Code was repealed, before which they couldn’t even show married people in bed together. The middle-aged or older people of 1975 must’ve had their minds blown by going to see a private eye movie and hearing a line like that just casually thrown out there.
[BTW, in case you’re curious about whether this movie is worth renting: it starts out as a reasonable Rockford Files type modern detective noir. Then the action moves to the Florida Keys, featuring BTW a very young and nubile Melanie Griffith, and it becomes absolutely magical for a half hour or so. Just beautiful and subtle writing, acting, and directing. But the last third of the movie goes off the rails completely. Suddenly bodies start piling up like firewood, hairpin twists abound, melodramatic speechifying commences, and it concludes with a wild action-movie setpiece replete with crazy stunts, explosions, the whole nine yards. It’s rare that a movie loses its way this badly after flirting with masterpiece status–the science fiction films *Sunshine * and 2001 are the only other examples that come to mind.]
The Line from Shark Attack 3: Meglodon. This comes completely out of the blue; they had just finished fighting off an attack. John Barrowman ad libbed the line as a joke, thinking it’d be cut out. It wasn’t.
He turns to his female costar and says
You know, I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy.
Everyone who ever watch the (direct to video) movie stopped the movie and went back to make sure he really said what it sounded like he said.
I’m sure that, if I sat and thought for a few moments, I’d come up with a nastier line, but this one from the 1985 Val Kilmer film, “Real Genius,” comes out of the blue, and is also pretty funny.
Chris Knight: “So, if there’s anything I can do for you - or, more to the point, to you - just let me know.”
Susan: “Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?”
From Clerks: [Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter] ’Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: Excuse me. But do you sell videotapes? Randal Graves: Yeah, what’re you looking for? ’Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: “Happy Scrappy Hero Pup”. Randal Graves: Uh, one second. I’m on the phone with the distribution house now; lemme make sure they got it. ’Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: 'Kay. Randal Graves: What’s it called again? ’Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: “Happy Scrappy Hero Pup”. ’Happy-Scrappy’ Kid: “Happy Scrappy”! ’Happy-Scrappy’ Mom: She loves it. Randal Graves: Obviously.
[into the phone] Randal Graves: Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling. Customer #4352. I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rimjobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns 3”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum on Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone 2: The K-Y Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. ’Happy-Scrappy’ Kid: “Scrappy”! Randal Graves: Yup. Oh, wait a minute. [to the woman] Randal Graves: Uh, what was that called again?
That just gets dirtier the more I think about it.