Dirty song parodies

Cafe Society
1

Okay, I can’t hold out any more. When I’m driving, or when my mind wanders, sometimes I make up stupid, dirty lyrics to songs. Some may find them offensive, but that is how they came out. Sorry about that.

Sung to If I Only Had A Brain:

*I thought that we’d be lovers
And play beneath the covers
And then she cut a fart
I was engaged in cunnilingus
How could she do a thing like this?
How could she cut a fart?

My tongue was down there turning
Then my eyes started burning
And I could barely breath
The odour from her anus
Was something rather heinous
I thought that I would heave*

(I’d made up one more verse, but I’ve forgotten it.)

Sung to the tune of Good King Wenceslas:

Once a good king went to sea
And his name was Wencel
He ate oysters so that he
Could ‘put lead in his pencil’
Buggering the cabin boy
King Wencel found dandy
Wencel was a goodly king
But a trifle ra-an-dy!

Sung to the tune of Deck The Halls:

'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
I’m in the kitchen screwing Moly
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
Oh, no! Here comes her Uncle Gerald!
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
He’ll bugger you if you’re not careful
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la

Sung to the tune of As Time Goes By:

*You must remember this
That when you take a piss
You must unzip your fly!
Or you will not stay dry
Unzip your fly

Because if you do not
You’ll wind up with a spot
Of urine on your thigh
If you want to stay dry
Unzip your fly

Too many men
Forget this simple rule
Every now and then
They’ll wind up in a pool
Wetness on your groin
Really isn’t cool
On that, you can rely

So listen to me, mate
When e’er you urinate
(You know I wouldn’t lie!)
Keep yourself high and dry
Unzip your fly!*

Okay, I’ve gotten that out of my system.

2

You are so goijng to hell.

Where you’ll have to do 8 shows a week for all time.

3

For which one? :confused:

4

Now you know the fare of John Valby, a.k.a Dr. Dirty. I think he still plays a limited circuit-saw him in Philly about 15 years ago out in university city at the old Chestnut Cabaret.

*Over the river and through the woods to the whore house we will go…

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down of the big one they called itchy womby…*

5

Johnny, those are sick, perverted, and disgusting. Clearly, you’re my kinda guy.

And you’re not the only one who does this. I’m not sure I’m ready to make Pervert Cowboy Joe public, but I’ll share Dingleberry Dump (to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock).

Dingleberry, dingleberry, dingleberry dump
Comes out in balls, not just a big lump
Sitting, and grunting, and cutting a fart
While you’re waiting for your dump to start

Dingleberries, dingleberries, dingleberries drop
Into the bowl, they make a ker-plop
Sink to the bottom while you’re sitting there
On your derriere

Well your pot time is when you’ve got time
To read a magazine
Have some fun there, and when you’re done there
Use some paper to wipe it clean

Into the bathroom, sit on the seat
Cover it with your rump
When those turdlets drop out so neat
That’s a dingleberry dump

6

Just thought of another one I made up years ago. How about a little Elvis? :smiley:

Sung to Caught In A Trap:

I’m caught in a trap
'Cause I’ve got the clap
And I don’t know how to tell my baby
Because, don’t you see
She didn’t give it to me
I got it from some other lady
[falsetto]
Do-do do DO do!
Do-do do DO do!

Oh, yeah…

Sung to Heartbreak Hotel"

Well since my baby left me
I ain’t been feelin’ well
I put a pistol in her mouth and
Blew her to Hell…

(Okay, that one wasn’t dirty. It was just wrong. Any humour would come from shock value alone, and not from any cleverness. Sort of like: ‘A funny thing happened to me on the way over here today. This joker came up to me and said, “I haven’t had a bite in three days!” So I picked up a pipe and took him down at the knees. He went down like a sack of potatoes. I laughed, and laughed, and laughed!’)

7

When we were in high school my best friend and I made up new words for “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” (that’s what they got for letting us sit together in choir!) Not dirty, but not one you sing in front of Grandma. Though I did sing it for my dad a couple of weeks ago.

Enjoy.

“I’ll Be Stoned For Christmas.”

I’ll be stoned for Christmas
You can count on me.
We’ll have smokes,
And whiskey cokes,
And reefer 'round the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the bong light gleams.
I’ll be stoned for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.

8

Heh. I thought of the same thing; but I never went beyond the first line.

9

Well, by all means feel free to use our lyrics, Johnny L.A.!

10

Well, since you guys seem to have a talent for this maybe you could do something with the title “Lovin’ An Alligator”? It pops into my head whenever I hear the Aerosmith song “Love In An Elevator” but I can never bring myself to look up the actual lyrics in order to parody them.

11

The old George Hamilton Abilene

Lipstick on an old French letter
A case of pox that won’t get better
And when I piss it stings
These foolish things remind me of you

Abilene, Abilene
Prettiest town I ever seen.
Folks down there don’t treat you mean
In Abilene, my Abilene.

12

This is one of my favorite hobbies as well. I don’t think I’ve ever had one of my song parodies stick around very long though. I tend to make them up on the fly to amuse my wife and/or kids. Typically they’re not very dirty, or if they are it is all double entendres so I can sneak the meaning past the kids. I like to take Disney tunes and twist them just because of the additional “arrg! Need brain bleach!” factor. You’d be suprised at how easily “Kiss the Girl” from “The Little Mermaid” can be parodied into something quite raunchy. In fact, a lot of Little Mermaid songs have been parodied around my house. “Under the Sea” practically begs for it if indeed it wasn’t a parody of itself in the original writer’s intent. “Darling it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me” always has me raising eyebrows.

Enjoy,
Steven

13

Not that it’s dirty, but here’s my version of “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes”

Snakes, Vultures, Nematodes (Nematodes)
Snakes, Vultures, Nematodes (Nematodes)
And Frogs and Slugs and Bugs and Toads
Snakes, Vultures, Nematodes (Nematodes)

14

I’ve always thought that as well, followed by “It’s hard to stay up when he’s going down.”

I’ve also always wanted to finish “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me,” by Elton John.

15

With my sister and I it was “Head, shoulders, knees and KICK,” at which time we would kick one another in the shins.

Which reminds me of a song my sister and I made up (you won’t hear this one on Barney!).

I hate you,
You hate me,
We’re a dysfunctional family,
With great big kick
And a slap from me to you,
Won’t you say you hate me too!

16

In honor of this glorious holiday season:

By the chimney hung with care are my stockings
And underwear. It’s gonna be a
Full Frontal Christmas this year (Christmas this year).

Not a creature stirring in the house. Where is Santa?
Where’s my blouse? I’m hoping for a
Full Frontal Christmas this year (Christmas this year).

Santa’s devotion, I’ve got a notion to give you the shirt off my back.
Logs on the fire, I’ve got a desire for things you can bring in your sack.

Took off my sweater, it’s virgin wool. My stocking’s empty
But my Monty’s full. We’re going to have a Full Frontal Christmas this year.

Well, hello man, take the coat off that snowman
For Frosty’s begining to thaw.
He’ll grin and bare it. Look at his carrot.
Say “fa la la la la la la la.”

Lately we’ve been singing as a whole.
Santa’s bring the whole North Pole.
It’s gonna be a Full Frontal Christmas this year (Christmas this year).

So let’s have some fun, let’s have a ball.
It’s all for one, and one for all with a
Full Frontal Christmas this year (Christmas this year).

17

This might be too nasty, but here goes.
To La Cucaracha

Lick my c-ro-tch-a
Lick my c-ro-tch-a
Please to suck upon my schwanz!

Lick my c-ro-tch-a
Lick my c-ro-tch-a
Please to do it more than once!

18

And this shall mark the third time I’ve made reference to this dirty version of Jingle Bell Rock in one of these annual Holiday Season Song-Parody Threads.

Stroke-a my, lick-a my, suck-a my cck
It’s the first time for you
So here’s what ya’ do:
Unzip me, and strip me
And show me you care
Don’t go rippin’ out my pubic hair…

Reach for my, grab for my, pull on my cck
You can do it with ease
Just get on your knees
Start lickin’, and slurpin’
My dck will get firm
Soon you’ll be tasting sperm*
I’ll stop there, both because it doesn’t get any better, and because I don’t know if it’s copyrighted.

19

Look at this shit, isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
The girl who’s got everything?

Look at this twat, treasures untold
How many “wonders” can one cavern hold?
Looking around here, you’d think
Sure, she’s done everything

I’ve got dildoes and vibrators a-plenty
I’ve got nipple-clips and butt-plugs galore
You want ball gags?
I’ve got twenty
But who cares? No big deal. I’m a whore…

20

When… The… Top of his knob hits,
The roof of your gob,
Thats… A blowjob
(Thats a Blowjob)

If he comes in your mouth,
Swallow or spit it out,
Its a dilema,
(Dirty Phlegm-a)

Now thats Amore!