I think Rocky gave you a really great perspective to think about things from. None of us can really say whether you’re being fair or not, only someone who is close to you who knows the score over a longer period of time has a good chance at that.
While it’s admirable that he’s bought a house and changed some career goals, in some ways that’s merely throwing money at a problem in hopes that it goes away. What is the liklihood that this man is the type who will try to fix the problems he causes by buying you expensive gifts, I mean bribes to compensate for behavior that drives you insane? Just something I was thinking about.
White Ink pointed it out here, and I think Maureen did the same over in O.M.F.G. … the fact that he’s moved so far just to be with you does indeed say something. Now whether it says what White Ink brings up, or it says that he’s had a genuine change of heart, you won’t know until after the chat. Again, suspend any expectations and go into it prepared to cover every issue you have regarding the relationship or lack of. Only after you talk will you know the right path.
HEY! I like the way you think!!! LMAO…no, no, no BAD Mipiace, BAD Mipiace…[splashes cold water in her face]
You are talking to an over sexed women who has had no sex and missed a body-shot party last night to have a long heart to heart phone convo w/ the 'muffin…! Don’t get me all worked up.
Okay he told me his story and while it isn’t exactly completely clear to me, I think I understand.
He said his INTENTIONS were honorable, He did not make promises to me because he knew he had not completley cleared everything up he needed to in Boston but he didn’t go back there intending on having wild affairs as I thought…He said it wouldn’t be right for him to just dump the woman he’d been dating without an explanation. Although I think it would have been much better to break it off with her BEFORE he came to see me.
He acknowledged that was wrong and said he had no intention of seeing other women. Hmm a commitment from him? This is pretty big. I’ve never known him to commit to anyone before and I’ve known him a long time.
I pointed out that seeing three women wasn’t honorable in my mind. He “explained” it…one was “just a friend” sounded like a fuck buddy to me. Whatever - that works for some people just fine. The other two were on again off again relationships and he bounced back and forth…I didn’t like the way that made him look either but didn’t really say much to him about that - sounded a little co-dependent even though he really never seemed that way to me.
Yes, he admitted to sleeping with all three. He said he never intended in sleeping with the third girl (the “just friend” ) or even seeing her again when he went back to Boston. He ran into her after a party, they had both been drinking - it was an “accident” ? That is one of the lamest things I have ever heard. I **accidentally ** fucked her? Give me a break.
He did say that he would do whatever I wanted to make it right and said that he had never told a woman that before. We sort of left it that we would give it some time and talk some more later. I am going to spend my birthday with him…(yeah I am a sucker)
I explained to him my feelings that I don’t want to control him, and it isn’t possessiveness but it is about emotional disclosure and that I can’t give all of myself to him and know that it doesn’t mean anything to him; know that he is giving himself to just about anyone. Of course I heard “they didn’t mean anything…” sometimes things are so cliche’ it is just hard to find meaning in them.
He also was able to explain to me that I might have had the wrong impression that we were more of a couple than I thought becuase he knew he had things to deal with before he moved and that is why he purposely did not ask ME for a commitment either - he knew that I was free to see who I wanted. When I mentioned he knew I wouldn’t have sex with anyone else he said he had a pretty good idea of that but that we had been apart for three years and I was divorced now and he really didn’t KNOW that for sure.
I am not one to make a quick decision…I have to think things over a while so again, I do like that he opens up and talks to me whether it is because he is a lousy liar or because he is honest to a fault. I’m glad we can talk like adults.
Not sure what I want but right now I am leaning toward still seeing him but…more casually, less seriously. I want to take about three giant steps backward and get to know him again because I am really not sure I know him as well as I thought I did.
I agree with tanookie. Yes, by all means, keep the communication lines open, but take it slow. He obviously cares, but you’re investing a lot of trust, here. He should be willing to invest more than cash. I think “whatever it takes to make it right” is a good start.
I’m so glad you guys are working on it…as long as you’re both willing to do that, there’s something worth saving.
Friday on my birthday, we met for lunch. I told him I’d made my decision and that we needed to slow way down. We could still see each other but it wouldn’t be as serious boyfriend and girlfriends. I felt like I didn’t know him as well and needed to spend some time getting reacquainted before we jumped into a serious relationship. I explained the ground rules about sex and how I felt about a lot of other things emotionally and we talked heart to heart. I think we both felt pretty good about things. We were at a mall and decided to go shopping. He told me he would let me buy whatever I wanted as a birthday gift. Well Maureen……you know how we had talked about how he keeps trying to buy his penance from me…….I decided to see just how guilty he really felt and took him to Saks. He feels pretty damned guilty.
I have this affinity for beaded gowns and own quite a few even though I rarely wear them – I mean where do you wear a beaded gown in TX? You get a lot more chances in Europe than TX! SO back to the designer section I marched him and found two. One was a pale green flapper design with black and gold heavy beading. Price tag? Cha-ching! $675! Second one was more modern with less bead work. It was lower cut and showed off my boobs and had a really high slit in the back, It was red with a black sheer skirt and black beadwork and a price tag of only $489. I tried them both on and and the red on looked much better on me but I wanted to see if he would tell me the cheaper one looked better or if he would let me buy the more expensive one simply because he was afraid of saying no to me. Guess what? He handed that credit card to the sales clerk for the expensive dress……I was actually disappointed. Someone feels very, very guilty but then this is not quite the feisty young man who spiked his rival’s drink with syrup of Ipecac to keep him from taking me home either…I was surprised at him.
I let the clerk take the dress to wrap it up and at the last minute I said “Wait” I ran over to another counter and grabbed a change purse on a clearance counter. It costs $12.89. I bought that with his credit card instead and that was my birthday present. They both looked at me as if I had lost my freaking mind.
We got outside and he looked at me and asked “Do you mind telling me what that was all about?” Funny, that southern accent and those hazel eyes, that flash so green when he’s angry. Almost made me think of make up sex, but I didn’t. I almost laughed but I knew that would set off a keg of dynamite. We have a history of having as passionate of arguments as we do passionate sex. I wanted to see how guilty he felt and I wanted to see if he would stand up to me. I explained all of that to him. He told me point blank he wanted to know when his test stage would be over and I told him I thought it would be over then and there……tiff was over and the rest of the weekend was good. I shouldn’t have been so mean to him. I don’t really know what came over me, it just all fell into place.
Monday we were at his place unpacking and we came across a box of pictures. Guys don’t scrapbook….they shoebox. They just throw shit in a box and that is there way of preserving their history. We looked through it together and there in the box were pictures of his family and some high school and college stuff. A few pictures of me and a trip we took to Prague with all of our crazy friends, a ski trip we took to Austria one year, a picture of us in front of a hotel in Florence, and then there were pictures from his last three years on Boston. Some guys he worked with, A bachelor party, a vacation he went on to British Columbia, a few pictures of the lawyer girl he honestly told me about, but not one of Megan or candy….so I kind of understood. Even thought they mattered very much to me. Guys and girls do think differently. In the shoe box chronicle of his life, I had many entries and they had none. So when he said “they didn’t matter” Now I kind of understand. I’m the one in TX unpacking his house….they aren’t even in the shoe box to be unpacked. Yeah he’s a bonehead….and he needs major training. But we do have a history together.
It isn’t hard to figure out. You just wanted to know that this relationship means as much to him as it does to you. And that’s fair.
It’s good that you told him. Now he knows he can’t just buy his way out of trouble. It’s always hard to get a guy to open up (heaven only knows why), but having the benefit of deep pockets to buy forgiveness doesn’t help. Hopefully, this will nudge the two of you toward talking about things. After you calm down, I mean. If you’re anything like me, it’s best to wait til the afterburners have cooled. Where did you finish it?
Oh my birthday? Tha was funny…we spent the evening with friends of ours , two other couples from Italy. The others didn’t know that we had a romantic history - they thought that our sparks had just begun to fly that night so they of course expected us to act as a lady and gentleman should…it was interesting and fun to act as old friends with a new flame.
When the evening was over the toher couples discreetly gave a us a few minutes in a dark doorway to presumably exchange phone numbers and perhaps steal a kiss…of course we’ve had each others numbers on speed dial for 6 years and the kisses stolen were more along the lines of passionate make out kisses…felt like high school. It was funny to have our drunk friends yelling at us from around the corner “Hey, she’s not going home with you - give it up!” He went to his house with one couple who were here from Corpus and I came back home with the other couple. It’s nice.
I left his house yesterday with tentative plans to get together “soon” no real date for when soon is. And I am not really stressing it. If he calls he calls, if he doesn’t, he has a birthday on the 18th and I will make sure I acknowledge that. I refuse to push a man into a commitment - that IS NOT my style…and with this one it wouldbe the quickest way to get him to run anyway. I’d end up with a broken heart.
If he wants me, he is going to have to show me and if he doesn’t then I am better off knowing that now then after I invest a whole lot into the relationship and showing me is going to take more effort than maxing out his credit cards. I’ve always been more complicated than just shallow. I’m fairly certain he will think twice before trying to impress me with expensive gifts again.
I’m glad you were honest with him about the whole testing thing. I’ve always hated the concept of testing someone. Seemed to me too much like trying to make the guy screw up. I prefer to tell him what I want and see if I get it.
Taking things slower seems like a good approach. Good luck and keep talking to eachother!!!
The real challenge, from the guy side, is when the one that is less expensive IS the one that looks Way better on you … NOW what do we do??? Myself, I always opt for … pick the one you like, but I have to tell you this one looks Way better on you!
Tough test, and he kinda failed in both directions, far as you’re concerned … didn’t show the feistiness AND seemed to think he was in the high-priced guilt category. Bummer!
(and bummer you didn’t get the beaded dress … LOVE those styles!)
Hey but he could be $700 poorer…in the deal. I did think of that, he probably was just trying to please me and pick whatever I wanted…I do see that, he is trying. I can cut him some slack in that dept. If he didn’t care he would have just bolted and labeled me as too high maintenance. He must think I am worth the effort somehow. I won’t run him through the wringer, I just don’t want to be bought, and jeez Wyatt! You know I am a radically feisty woman, I MUST have a man who can keep up with me!! If he is just going to roll over at the first sign of trouble, I’d get bored with that eventually and walk away. But it’s good to hear a man’s point of view that it was a hard choice to make. Tell her the truth? that the cheaper dress looks better? Hmm, would have been difficult huh? (and it DID look better)