I always love the joke threads here, and steal them and tell them to friends and family. As I will be getting phone calls and emails on my birthday, it would be great to have a few jokes to change the subject of my age!
Give me your new best jokes, old jokes, stupid jokes, X-rated or PG rated, gross, groaners, knock-knocks, one-liners, puns or observations. Doesn’t have to be age or birthday related. No subject off limits.
Hey, that’s my birthday, too. Sadly, I’m on the road for work and my flight won’t get me home until the next day. Happy birthday, fellow soon-to-be old(er) dude!
What do oysters do for their birthdays?
They shellabrate!
You said it could be stupid.
Somehow I doubt this. Maybe not for you, personally, but for the community as a whole.
Jokes I know fall into two categories; they are either racist (or otherwise horribly offensive but equally hilarious) in nature or geared towards the early grade-schooler. Since I feel safer this way, I’ll give you a couple of my son’s favorites:
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!
(Also, the “banana, banana, banana, orange you glad” knock knock joke)
A Buccaneer!
A stick.
Whats blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells awful?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
That is my favorite stoopid joke.
What’s black and white and black and off white and black and beige and black and brown and black and black?
A nun on a spit.
What do call a guy with no arms and no legs…
…at your door: Matt
…in the leaves: Russell
…in the pool: Bob
…under your car: Jack
…on the beach: Sandy
…on a grill: Frank
What do you say to the one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.
So there was this guy who had a parrot, and one day the bird started cussing and swearing. The guy said stop it, but the bird continued. Out of frustration he threw the parrot in the freezer.
After about 15 minutes he let the parrot out and the little critter apologized. “I realize my mistake and I won’t cuss or swear anymore.” The guy was very pleased to hear this. Then the parrot continued, “by the way what did the chicken do?”
A guy walks into a men’s clothing store, looking for a job. He goes over to the floor manager and says “I’m a really good salesman, and I really need a job - do you have any openings?”
The manger says “No, we don’t have any openings at this time.”
G: “Please, I really need this job - you won’t be disappointed.”
M: “No - we don’t need any more salesmen.”
G (whining): “Pleeeease… I swear I can outsell any one else.”
M: “OK, I’m going on my lunch break - if you can sell this suit by the time I get back, you can have a job.” He points to an absolutely hideous suit. It looks like something that Bozo would wear if he was on meth. The jacket was Orange with horizontal stripes. The pants were polkadot. The tie was paisley.
The guy looks at the suit, and says it’s a deal.
When the manager comes back from lunch, the guy runs up to him shouting that he sold the suit! He’s bloody and scratched and just generally looks like he’s been through hell.
The manager looks at him and say’s “Wow, the customer must have put up quite a fight!”
No, the guy says, …but his seeing eye dog was pissed!
A rural teenager was hired for a summer job by the general store in his town. The place sold everything, from food to dry goods to hardware, and also had a pharmacy, to boot.
On his first day, his boss gave him a tour of all the different “departments” in order to familiarize him with the stock and where it was kept, and put him to work helping the customers to find things. Observing things, the boss realized that the kid was a quick study – he was able to find anything customers asked about.
On his second day, the boss asked him if he knew anything about suggestive selling. He didn’t, so the boss told him to just observe, and he would show him how to sell a customer more than the customer originally thought he needed.
Just then, a man came in and said he wanted to buy some Grass seed. The boss said, "Well, we only carry one type, but it comes in three different sizes. There’s a five pound bag, and it costs $4; there’s a ten pound bag, and it costs $6; lastly, we have a 25 pound bag, and it’s a great deal today at only $10, but that sale price is only for today.
Naturally, the man selected the 25 pound bag, because $10 was indeed a great deal.
Then the boss says to the customer, “By the way, do you have fertilizer for your grass seed? If you want it to grow healthy, you’ve definitely got to get some fertilizer for it.”
The man answered that, no, he didn’t have any fertilizer, but it would definitely be logical to get some. There was only one size in stock, a ten pound bag, and it sold for $7, but that was fine, the customer said, he would take a bag.
Then the boss looks at the man and says, “Do you have a garden hose? When you plant that seed and fertilize it, you’re going to have to water it. And you know, garden hoses seldom last more than five or six years. It would be a shame to get all the way home and then have to come back because you found your garden hose was leaking all over the place…we have some on sale this week; I suggest the blue 50 foot one over there which is selling for only $22 right now, regular price is $32, so you save ten bucks.”
The man allowed that the hose he had at home was indeed old and possibly leaky, and yes, it would make good sense to get one now, especially since they were on sale, so he went and grabbed a hose and placed it on the counter.
The boss was ready to ring up the man’s purchases, when another thought occurred to him.
“You know, you’ve got the seed, you’ve got the fertilizer, and you’ve got a brand new garden hose to water it with, and that’s great, but you know, when that grass grows and gets too long, you’re going to have to cut it. Thinking about it all, I just realized that I have an overstock in lawn mowers from last summer. They’re sitting back in inventory, and while they’re there it’s just money tied up until they sell, which really doesn’t do me any good. If you’re interested, though, I could give you a great deal on one, just to blow it out of here. There’s one model in particular that I’ve got way too many of. It mulches, it has a back mounted grass catching bag if you don’t want to mulch, and it’s even got electric start, not one of those pull-start deals. Retail price on it was $499.99, wholesale was $249.99, but I’ll give it to you for $299.99, because I have to make a little profit, but what d’you say?”
The customer thought this was a great deal – almost half price! Nope, you couldn’t lose there, so he said he would take one. The boss went into the inventory room and returned, wheeling a brand new lawnmower in front of him. He then rang up the man’s purchases, which totalled $338.99 plus tax, and the customer paid him. The boss then told the kid to help the man take it all out to his truck, and the kid did.
After the customer had gone on his merry way, very happy with his purchases, the boss says to the kid, “Now, you see how suggestive selling works? Just keep suggesting things the customer likely needs but has forgotten about, and see what else you can sell him while he’s here. That guy probably would have been just as happy buying a $4 bag of grass seed, but I was able to easily talk him up to spending $338, just by being logical and suggesting things he probably knew he would need anyway. That’s how suggestive selling works!”
The kid was totally impressed, and asked the boss if he could try what he had learned on the next customer when he walked in. The boss, remembering what a quick study the kid was the day before agreed.
Just then the door opened and in walked a man. He walked over to the drugstore section and returned to the counter carrying a box of sanitary napkins, which he placed on the counter. The kid looked at him and said, “By the way, sir, we have this great sale on lawn mowers right now; are you interested?”
The customer looked at him and said, “Why the hell do you think I would be interested in buying a lawn mower???”
The kid looked at the man, down to the box of sanitary napkins on the counter, and back up at the man and said, “Well, you can’t do fuck all else this week, so you might as well cut the grass!”
A middle-aged man and a beautiful young woman walk into a fur store on a Friday. They look around for a bit, and the woman tries on a few fur coats. She finally picks one out and they take it to the counter. The store manager tells her that she made an excellent choice, and starts writing up the sale of $10,000. “How would you like to pay for this?” The man says “I’ll write you a personal check.” The manager says “That will be fine, but it will take the weekend for the check to clear. Until then we can hold on to the fur for you.” The man agrees to this and he and his young companion leave the store, the woman very excited.
On the following Monday, the man returns to the store, this time alone. The manager is furious. “Sir, your check bounced! I could have sold that coat to three different people on Saturday, but I held it for you! How dare you? Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”
The man replied “Um, thanks for a fantastic weekend?”
There was this bachelor who decided that it was finally time to get married and settle down. He knew three girls that he was particularly fond of, but he couldn’t choose one of them. So, to help him make up his mind, he gave each of them $10,000.
The first one spent all $10,000 on herself.
The second one spent all $10,000 on him.
The third one spent half the money on herself, and the other half on him.
So, which one did he marry?
The one with the biggest tits, of course.
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