Why are pirates pirates?
They just arrrrrrrrrrrr!
What do you call an Arab flying a plane?
A pilot you racist bastard!
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust!
Heh.
A girl walks into a doctor’s office. She has grapes up her nose and a banana in her ear.
The doctor says “You’re not eating right.”
From a book I read as a kid:
What’s big, red, and eats rocks?
A big red rock-eater. DUH!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the the dinosaur fall out of the tree?
He was extinct.
Ha! ha! I just kill me! Kill me, I tell you! What? Oh, wait…
Hah!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
-He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
-He was dead, too.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
-He was handcuffed to the second monkey.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
-He thought it was a new game.
(Wild monkey party, there…)
Also, from my little brother, my absolute favorite joke-to-tell-for-perplexed-looks-and-groans:
What’s brown and sticky?
-A STICK! (must be yelled out while staring at other party as if they were an idiot for best effect)
Ah… comedy gold. (Please stop me now. I am a girl scout leader and have four little brothers. This could go on for hours.)
Ones I remember from grade school;
What’s black and white and re(a)d all over?
A newspaper! (Obviously only works out loud!)
What 7 letters did Garfield say when he opened the fridge?
O I C U R M T
And the favourite Knock-knock jokes:
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I came over?
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Banana! Knock knock!
Who’s THERE?
Banana! Knock knock!
WHO’S THERE!
ORANGE!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again!?
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Who!
Who Who?
Did you just hear an owl?
OK - that’s it for me!
My favorite clean joke is this:
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
Q - What did the zero say to the eight?
A - Nice belt!
When I was a preteen, a good friend of mine had this joke: “By George”, said Paul, sitting on the john, “Where did my ring go?”
My little cousin used to tell this one. To get the full effect you have to say it as fast as possible and with little ennuciation. The nudge nudge wink wink is key.
Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say! Hello? You don’t say you don’t say you don’t say who was it he didn’t say nudge nudge wink wink he didn’t say!
This would go on for HOURS.
There are two sausages lying in a frying pan, and one rolls over and says to the other, “Ohh! It is so hot in here. Can you believe how hot it is in here?” And the other one says, “Oh my god, a talking sausage!”
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting chicken.
Interrupting chicken…
BAKAWK!!! (as loud as possible, preferably in public)
…who?
This joke is my SIGNATURE. I’ve never known someone who has heard it, and only about 10% of people laugh (and they usually have to know me first.)
***Me: “Ask me if I’m a bus.”
Them: “Are you a bus?”
Me: (wide-eyed, yet deadpan) “No.”****
And then:
Q. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A. Pilgrims.
and last:
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and peanut butter?
A. An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
A friend of mine tells slightly modified version of this joke:
Him: Ask me if I’m a bus.
Them: Are you a bus?
Him (deadpan): Yes. Now ask me if I’m an airplane.
Them: Are you an airplane?
Him: No silly, I’m a bus.
My own favorite came from boy scout camp 20 years ago…
Question:
How do you sell a duck to a deaf person?
Answer:
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK?
Oh my. After four years of using my joke on a daily basis, I used your friend’s version.
I think we may need to make a trip to the ER 
dammit again, PREVIEW IS MY FRIEND.
I meant to say that HUBBY may need a trip to the ER!
Well, I guess I need to once again trot out my favorite silly joke.
Whats blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells terrible?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle!
And, what’s a silly stoopid joke thread without nun jokes!
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite?
A nun falling down the stairs
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandblue all over?
The same nun the day after she fell down the stairs
Thank You! I’ll be here til Tuesday.
OK Kid friendly jokes.
Why was 6 scared?
Because 7 ate 9.
Whats brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
So he could be Polly unsaturated!
Why did the russian potato tell the idaho potato that he didn’t want his little sweet potato to marry howard cosell.
Duh, because he was a Commen-tator.
Ah, the classics!
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit cards!