Hahahahahahahah Ooooha God My God! Hahahaha 
:rolleyes: 
:rolleyes: :rolleyes: 
:rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Thanks, don’t ask. Oh, I never laughed so hard in my life. My sides are still hurting.
Why didn’t Cinderella’s soccer team win the game?
Cause they had a pumpkin for a coach
How do you fix a pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
Why was the cemetery so full?
Because people were dying to get in.
Alternate: June bugs.
What kind of toys do a psychiatrist’s children play with?
Mental blocks!
And, to tease my church:
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? Why change? My grandmother gave the church that lightbulb!
What’s red and goes ding dong?
A red ding dong.
What’s blue and goes ding dong?
A blue ding dong.
What’s green and goes ding dong?
A green ding dong?
Sorry, ding dongs only come in red and blue.
“Pops” Mercotan loved to make me crazy with this one when I was about 4:
Pops: Pete and Repete are two birds, sitting on a telephone wire. Pete flies away. Who’s left?
Me: Repete!
Pops: Okay, Pete and Repete are two birds, sitting on a telephone wire. Pete flies away. Who’s still on the wire?
Me: Repete!
Pops: Should I speak slower? Pete and Repete are two birds, sitting on a telephone wire. Pete flies away. Who’s still on the wire?
Me: Repete!!!
Pops: All right, I’ll say it again, but I want you to listen this time! Pete and Repete are two birds, sitting on a telephone wire. Pete flies away. Who’s still on the wire?
Me: Repete! Repete! Repete is still there!
Pops: Son, now you need to concentrate on what I’m saying better. I can’t keep telling this over and over! Pete and Repete are two birds, sitting on a telephone wire. Pete flies away. Who’s still on the wire?
Me: Mommmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!
Why is the sky so high?
So that birds won’t bump their heads.
What has three syllables, but only one letter?
An envelope!
How do you shoot a Blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
Hold his trunk until he turns blue, then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
What’s purple and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?
A four door grape
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
Tris
What goes 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump?
A centipede with a wooden leg!
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says, “Hey, are you worried about that mad cow disease?” The second cow says “Not me, I’m a helicopter!”
Two parrots, standing on a perch. One of them says “Hey, do you smell fish?”
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
This was the first joke I ever learned:
What is the biggest pencil in the world?
Pennsylvania!
(hey, I was six years old!)
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Say, you know how to drive this thing?”
OK, I do not believe that someone actually beat me to this joke. Of course, my second elephant is pink, not red, but still…
Bippy, that may be the funniest dumb joke I’ve ever heard. I’ve told it with great success to many people, and the darndest thing is, the more you think about it, the funnier it gets! It works best if you say the punchline in a deep ringing tone and give it a little vibrato!
Here’s one that I loved as a kid:
Q: What does a 500 lb canary say?
A: “HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!”
or alternately
A: “CHIRP!!!”
The version I know:
What’s big, green, lives 10 feet underground and eats rocks?
A big, green, rock-eater.
…
(perferably about 5 silly jokes later…)
Say there’s a tunnel right through the Earth. What happens if you throw a rock down the tunnel? No, seriously!
[Wait for all the scientific explanations about how it will just make it to the other side, will end up in the middle, melt…]
No, no, no… it’ll go about 10 feet down and then the big, green rock-eater will eat it!
[QUOTE=Chanteuse]
Q: What does a 500 lb canary say?[\QUOTE]
Q. Where does a 500 lb canary live?
A. Anywhere it wants to.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
–To get to the other slide!
Well, um… W.
I don’t get it. Does perch mean something besides a place for birds to stand on?
How is an elephant like a grape?
They’re both purple (except the elephant).
What did the pirate say when he lost his tricycle?
Oh no, I lost my tricycle!
What’s the Louis Sachar book with the joke that has 15 or so possible punchlines? I think the question was “Why did the man eat two dead skunks for breakfast?”