Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a lousy summer
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because gorillas have big fingers.
The insurance duck had to cut short his time at a French lake, so he just had time for a “half lac.”
“Knock, knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Hatch.”
“Hatch, who?”
“Bless you!”
What do a bicycle and a duck have in common?
They both have wheels.
[sup] (except for the duck)[/sup]
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?
Nothing…it just waved.
What’s red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
Now, what’s blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“The elephants are coming!”
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
I’ve got a million of 'em. I could go on with elephant jokes forever, but forever is a really long time, so I’ll finish with the Officially Recognized, Doctor Recommended, FDA Approved, World Champion, Patent Pending, Worst Joke EVER:
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the Other Side.
Similarly, how is a grape like an elephant?
They’re both purple… except the elephant.
What did the pirate say when he lost his tricycle?
Arrr! I lost my tricycle.
Did you hear the one about the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants?
Yarr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!
I may have posted this one before, I’m not sure. Sorry if it’s a repeat!
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
You hold his nose until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Dumb jokes! Great! I can contribute!
Why is the sky so high?
So birds won’t bump their heads.
What word has three syllables but only one letter?
Envelope
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
Because they lack an insulating layer of body fat.
A skeleton walks into a bar. He asks for a beer and a mop.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
“Knock, Knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange who?”
“Oranges are good fruit!”
It’s a funnier joke when my toddler tells it.
One of my co-workers just emailed me a whole buttload of these things. Ahem…
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Same way, unique up on it.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psychopath.
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
Q: What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?
A: Dam!
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese.
Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.
Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Quattro Sinko
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirtbag.
Q: Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
A: Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes Whack! Damn! and a bad skydiver goes Damn! Whack!
Thank you, I’ll be here all we…ooh, shiny…
What expells liquid waste from the body and sings about respect?
Urethra Franklin
(I’m sorry.)
How come anteaters never get sick?
Cuz they’re full of little antybodies.
giggle
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
Q: What’s black and white and green and black and white and green and black and white and green?
A: Two penguins rolling down a hill, fighting over a pickle.
Can I just say, that was magnificent.