Do girls find guys being "nice" off putting?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m of the school of thought that “nice” doesn’t really mean anything. It’s like a place holder, you stick it in a sentence because you’re expected to say something, and nice works about as well as anything else.

If I were to make a list of all of Mr. Del’s good qualities, I doubt it would even occur to me to include “nice.” He’s generous, kind, considerate (all of which are “nice” qualities), which I would list right at the beginning, and I would probably make it down to about item #612 where I was really fishing for things to say, such as “doesn’t fart overly much” before I would think to describe him as “nice.” It’s just too bland, and the ways in which I think about Mr. Del are deeper than that.

Some posters have suggested the possibility that she was expecting more, romance-wise, from the evening. Another possibility is that she suspected that perhaps a pass was in the works, and she wanted to nip that in the bud by using the “you’re too nice” line.

Not an entirely admirable thing, but I can understand it. I’m not trying to generalize, but some times when a person says “you know, I like you but I don’t think there’s a romantic future here,” some people respond with “well why not?” That’s a hard question to answer, it might not even have an answer other than “I just don’t feel that way,” but “you’re too nice” slips out as an easy (easier, in the moment) way to frame the rejection. Yes, I think it would be better for all parties if people stopped saying that, I also think it would be better if people stopped asking “well why not?” (I realize the OP didn’t say he asked that, I’m just talking about the concept of “you’re too nice” in general, in many cases it might be a pre-emptive strike based on past experience.)

So in general, I think that for the question “do girls find guys being “nice” off-putting?” the answer depends upon whether the guy and girl are defining “nice” as the same thing. If I only thought of Mr. Del as nice, he wouldn’t be Mr. Del. I wouldn’t find it off-putting, but I wouldn’t find it on-putting either. (Hey, I made up a word!)

I’m also going to very cautiously throw another idea into the mix, based on the specifics of the OP. You mentioned that she has some sort of history, and sees herself as a girl of a particular type (a type that you wouldn’t want). I don’t even want to speculate on what that might entail, it’s obviously private. She may have some issues with self-esteem, if she views that “type” and her history as a negative experience. Since you know her, and Tir knows her, and the rest of us do not know her, you can probably decide, based on her reactions to other things in life and other relationships, if that might be the case. HOWEVER (and I say that quite loudly) that’s not advice for you to take her self-esteem on as a personal crusade. It’s possible that both things could be happening at once – she could have low self-esteem and also not be interested in you romantic way. Odds are that you could do more to support her with her self image (if that even is an issue) as a friend, and see if other romantic things develop at her own pace further down the road.

22

“You’re too nice?”

WTF is wrong with that.

Sounds like you’ve met one of these girls who usually goes for the biggest jerk in a 100 mile radius and now doesn’t know how to handle a decent guy.

23

Sounds to me like she wasn’t interested and was just trying to let him down gently. “You’re too nice” sounds better than “You’re not my type.”

24

I think it (“nice”) is often a euphemism for “insufficiently sexually aggressive”.

There do exist females who for some reason only want to be with males who are more sexually aggressive than they are.

25

“Nice” often seems to me to be a euphemism for “I don’t find you sexually attractive.” I know plenty of nice guys who seem to be interested in me, but I just don’t get a shiver out of them. But I’m not necessarily willing to tell them that, should they ask.

An alternate theory - It seems to me that a nice guy, well-mannered, with a job and all the rest is the sort of person one would look for in a commitment. However, if a girl wasn’t ready for that sort of thing, if she’d rather play the field, a nice, stable guy isn’t ideal. Not only are they more likely to want a commitment, you’d feel more guilt when dumping them for another.

26

Well, I agree that it either means she geniunely thinks you’re too nice (good) for her if she has baggage, but my bets are on that you not making a pass at her translates to you not being sexually aggressive enough.

If I were single and went for a weekend with another single person, and we ended up in the same bed, I would probably have the hopes that he would initiate some kind of sexual contact. Maybe he would hope the same thing. Personally, I would probably eventually get fed up and initiate it myself, and it wouldn’t bother me to do that, but I could definitely see a woman thinking the guy was a wimp (no, not saying you’re a wimp) because he couldn’t make a move. Unfortunately, Wimp sometimes can translate to Nice Guy in relationship talk.

Now I don’t want anyone jumping on me that I think nice guys are wimps because that’s absolutely not what I’m saying. I think courtesy from a man is wonderful, as long as he will accept the same from me. And that’s just nice.

I’m curious as to the reason you didn’t initiate anything, not that I’m saying you should have…

27

In my experience, “you’re too nice” can also be a euphemism for “I think of you more as a friend than an SO, so try to act accordingly.” It can be a way of saying, “I don’t mind having you around as long as you don’t try anything.” I have quite a few female friends, so I hear it a lot myself.

28

You where in bed together, and nothing happened.
Maybe that’s why she thought you where “too nice”

29

Being assertive and nice simultaneously can be difficult. (I wish you luck on that endeavor, btw.)

I know that in the last few months when I’ve complained that someone was ‘too nice,’ it was for the above reason. Having someone open a car door for me is great. Having someone refuse to make a decision what to do for the evening because “I just want to make you happy, dear,” drives me bonkers. Once in a while is fine. Every weekend is not.

The guy I’m dating currently has developed that terrible habit, and sometimes I have to stop and take a deep breath to remember that he’s really just trying to be be nice, as lame and vague as it is. The few times that I have thrown a minor fit about it, he remains as disgustingly supportive as always. It makes me angrier. He apologizes, I curse…ok, I’ll stop. Mebbe I should write a rant or something. Sorry for the hijack.

30

[hijack]

Ah, Tir – one of your many endearing qualities is your willingness to make up new words where existing ones are insufficient. :wink:

[/hijack]

31

Ok, I don’t particularly want to speak on Emofkuniv’s behalf, but since we were down the pub earlier and we spoke about this thread… (also, he can’t get online as often as I can)…

I know of her past, (which I’m not going to disclose here) and I can in a way understand in a way where’s she’s coming from with that comment, however, she did invite him to go away with her, she did invite him into the same bed as her, and yes, I think she was being entirely niave with regards to that. A lot of people are commenting about the “you should have done something” thing, but he did try kissing her, and it was initially reciprocated. She then decided he “is too nice”.

Handy,
Yes maybe he is a bit old fashioned, but I think that is a “good trait”[sup]TM[/sup] in a bloke! - at least with regards to the “courteousy/chivalry” attitude.

delphcia,
I think you may well be right regarding the defining of “nice”.

Searching For Truth & scr4
He’s not “passive”. A litle shy maybe, but not passive.

John Carter

No, because an interest was shown.

Emofkuniv is “a nice bloke”. It’s not so much what happened on this particular weekend, it was more that he spoke to a couple of other girlies that he works with only to be told that his behaviour (of opening doors and suchlike) is in some way ‘odd’. I was honestly amazed that some women would think this - he is not doing anything demeaning or creepy!
(As I mentioned earlier, he doesn’t make his behaviour exclusive to women, but obviously there are some gestures of courteousy that would be inappropriate (or get you funny looks) if extended to another man.)

Anyways, I’m gonna bail out here, I’m only speaking for Emofkuniv with his blessing (for reasons stated earlier), but I am well aware that this is not my thread.

[sub]jr8, glad not to disapoint you matey! ;)[/sub]

32

If you are in a hotel room, alone, by previous invitation with a female you are attracted to… well, you better make a move to indicate your intentions.

I’ve learned from past mistakes, trial and error, that as a male I am expected to be the aggresor. That’s not easy for me since I’m not exactly an agressive person, but I have to bite the bullet and give it a try anyway if there’s any chance for me to get laid in the future.

33

I don’t really know anything about all this, but just let me point out one thing about ‘nice’.

‘Nice’ has nothing to do with whether someone will or will not find you attractive. It’s a common mistake to think there is a link, but there isn’t.

You could walk up to someone in the street tomorrow and give them 10 pounds / dollars / whatever. I’m sure they’d think you were pretty darned ‘nice’. But that doesn’t mean they’d want to spend social time with you, let alone form plans to ensure the continuation of the species.

There are an awful lot of people who are attracted to other people who aren’t exactly ‘nice’. Call it a fluke of human chemistry. Call it unfair. But get used to it, 'cos it’s just the way things are.

Nice. Attractive. Different words, different worlds. Not necessarily any connection.

34

My comments were based on that I didn’t know that **Emofkuniv
** indeed tried to be romantic. 'nuther situation entirely.

35

No shattering insights here but I suspect the disconnect between “nice” and “bland” happens when sex gets tossed into the mix: the what-ifs, fantasies, potential, etc. It sorta derails reality into uniquely sexual channels. Let’s face it, there aren’t many other circumstances that force perfectly reasonable folks into such a tizzy of insecurity. Work, family, yadda yadda rarely reduces people to pondering, “Should I be more caveman, sex-kitten, suave-but-potent, etc.?” Damned few other roles are so murky about other people’s expectations and how they’re reading us.

It’s probably just re-casting the idea of confidence but in a way it’s also a question of character or centerdness. (Blech, that’s jargony.) Highlighting what’s most attractive about oneself is different from adopting a whole new persona. I don’t think that works, or least not for long. It might make for some brief fantasy affairs but the shelf life sucks.

“Niceness” and courtesy can be devastatingly sexy if they come from the center. They can be the epitome of controlled ZING, the antithesis of a doormat or cuddly lapdog. Me man, you woman and don’t think I forget that glorious fact. Possiblities abound, hmmm? “Little courtesies” like opening doors, patiently deferring to others’ wishes, etc. take on a whole 'nother edge when sex is involved. The routine social behavior is the same but there ain’t a damned thing wrong with putting a little fun, wicked spin on it. Cavemen and bad boys lack both strength and staying power. They can suffice for an indulgent short fling but are pretty useless othewise. Self-control requires power. Somebody who can master him/herself is a pretty potent force right there. Banked fires, doncha know.

Mileages vary widely, of course. Sounds like your self-restraint comes from strength, Emo, not wimpiness. Remind the lady of that. (Subtlely, of course.) She’ll either meet you halfway and enjoy the trip, or maybe she has to wander down a few more dead ends first. You can’t call it or force it, and maybe she can’t either right now. That happens. Just don’t abandon the good stuff ya got.

Veb

36

Cool… so what’s his number??? :stuck_out_tongue:

37

I’ve had that line used on me, too. I used to wonder about it. What it really meant. I came up with all kinds of theories. Most of them have been posted. I don’t think it matters, though. I finally decided that what it really means is, it’s time to shrug and move on.

38

Alright I’m a dude here but I’m gonna have to go with what CanvasShoes said… You were in bed with her but didn’t make a move? I’m having a hard time getting past that. Chances are you’re never gonna find a girl who will come right out and say “OK Emofkuniv I’m read for you to “F” me now.” I mean you might but its not likely.

Sounds to me like you’ve got the nice part down pat; Now all you need to do is work on your assertive part and you’ll have it made.

39

Maybe she thinks he’s gay

:confused:

40

In answer to your reply Incubus, she knows that I am not gay. And thank you Tir for adding details that I left out originally. I did make the first move, and it was initialy reciprocated, but then she stopped. and naturaly I backed off. This is where the “youre too nice” conversation started. I certainly didnt start to try and talk her into a relationship, or sex for that matter, but I did tell her that whatever her past maybe, that is the past. Yes she may have issues and problems with reationship now, but all I told her, not in so many words or as directly, was that somebody can have feelings for her without having previous experiences cause problems.
Oh, and Honeydew? Dinners on you. Just to prove a point!