Thanks Quasi. I’m just counting down the days now. I actually got out today with my GF and had some lunch, bought a few books, and added a couple cheap games to my collection. I actually played one of them a little today! That was a welcome relief from the usual crap, that’s for sure. The other one is probably going to be pretty deep, like Elder Scrolls, so I’m looking forward to getting into that one once this depression lifts.
Until then, I will continue to read through the depression CBT book; the author has a lot of interesting stuff to say. I like how he throws in these little exercises. I think it helps the information sink in. I’m really surprised at the success rate he reports on this book. I suspect the book, along with meds and/or therapy, will really increase my chances of beating this thing, or at least managing it.
I will report back once this screening takes place, if not sooner. Again, I appreciate the support from everyone, and I hope those of you who are also suffering can find some relief as well!
So far, so good. The CMH tried to call me today to do the screening. I missed that call though so I have to wait until tomorrow.
I feel like I’m coming out of the bottom of the cycle a little bit. I’m actually getting myself to do some stuff. Today was day 1 of fantasy football so I was busy switching rosters around for the weekend. With five teams, it was quite a lot of work, but it’s cool I guess. The enjoyment isn’t really there like it should be, but it’s still better than staring at a wall/ceiling, that’s for sure!
I got to a point in the depression book where he is talking about these reasons that can cause the “do-nothingism,” as Burns refers to it. He lists some reasons for it, like hopelessness, perfectionism, fear of failure/success, and others. I don’t think any of this stuff really fits though. This “do-nothingism,” or “black hole,” or whatever one wants to call it, just is. If these types of things are causing it, it is going on at a sub-conscious level I think. This kind of derailed me on the book, but I will keep reading it, because sometimes he does hit on stuff that is right in my case.
Right now I’m still a little nervous about this screening. I’m worried that they can’t help, or that they’ll say there’s nothing wrong; this is just how I am. I guess I’ll find out pretty soon. I’ll report back tomorrow with the results.
You may want to research the term “blunted affect.” It may be able to explain why things that used to interest you simply fail to now.
I suffer from depression and PTSD among other issues, and I’m not medicating or exercising or getting treated for any of it (yeah, I’m bad, don’t follow my example!). I dissociate a lot, and just wander around numbly fairly often. But something that often helps to de-blunt me (if you’ll pardon the pun, what with the weed and all) is music. I was feeling really out of it tonight, lackluster, listless, lackadaisical, other L-words. But I went to my youtube bookmarks and listened to a little girl singing a song from Phantom of the Opera and I got tears in my eyes, then felt normal again for an hour.
It’s weird. But music is pretty much the ONLY thing that seems to help me on my worst days. And since you’re currently unmedicated and such, maybe it could help you. Good luck with the call today
CMH was supposed to call today between 9 and 11 am. It is now past noon and still no call. Calling the CMH only results in being put on hold for God only knows how long. Fuck this, I knew I was going to get jerked around by these fucking people. I would have expected no less from the failed city of Flint.
rachellogram, I have found music to be somewhat helpful as well. It beats doing nothing anyway. I have been listening to some pretty dark stuff though. Anything else just doesn’t sound good.
Grab a book or magazine, kick back and read. And stay away from Pink Floyd. Getting pissed at this point helps nothing. Hell, turn on some classical music while you read and take a nap till they call.
I finally got a hold of someone at CMH. When I told them that nobody ever called, they first doubted me by saying, “They normally call a couple of times.” I said I was sure that nobody called, my phone shows missed calls, it was on, there were no messages, etc. Then they said I would have to schedule for another screening. That was greeted by, “forget it,” and a “click.” I wasn’t prepared to wait another couple weeks just for this screening, which may or may not result in help.
I was pretty mad, but I decided that I wasn’t going to take this sitting down. I went out and attempted to fire up the old '85 rust-bucket. The battery was dead. I jumped it with my GF’s car. She offered to let me take that, but sometimes one just needs some screaming V8 power. Well…it’s not very good in the power department, but since there are some pinholes in the exhaust, it has the screaming part down pat. Very therapeutic, I might add.
By time I got to CMH, I was calmed down so I went in. I didn’t get mad, but I made sure to carry myself in such a way that I would not be confused with someone who is going to put up with being jerked around. After a polite conversation with the receptionist, in which I detailed what had being going on, I was told to wait and they would do the screening there. 20 minutes later, the screening began.
I walked out with health insurance as well as a guarantee that I would be called about where and when to go for counseling/treatment within the week. By time I got home, a counseling center (complete with counselors as well as a psychiatrist) called and we set up an appointment that will occur in about two weeks.
It would appear that getting a little pissed paid off, but the key was not to just sit around and mope, but to harness the anger; use it to get myself up and out of the house to take care of this problem. I feel like a big obstacle was placed in my path to fixing my brain, and I plowed right through it…with an '85 rustbucket. I feel like I made a stand today regarding my mental health, and it feels pretty damn good.
Well…It felt like I was starting to climb up out of this pit, but over the last couple days, I have fallen back in as deep as I have ever been. Couple that with the fact I want to roast one so bad, and I have a recipe for a really bad time. I feel like a doobie would help, at least temporarily, but on the other hand, I can’t just throw away 29 days of being clean. I was so close to giving in, but I was able to fight it off. Damn, this sucks.
Drinking is not a cure for depression.
Drinking is not a cure for depression.
Drinking is not a cure for depression.
Damn, my head is pounding! That was not a good idea. Oh well, at least this stuff gives me a hangover so I kind of learn my lesson. Had I given in and burned one, I doubt I’d be able to quit that again.
For my new friend, Buick. Buddy, there ain’t nothin’ we can’t handle if we got friends to share the load, and that’s what you did with this post, so come on and share, we can take it!
It turns out that this appointment was for a referral to the actual counselor. Tuesday is now D-Day. It’s all good though. I’m one step closer so that’s cool.
I feel like I made a stand today regarding my mental health, and it feels pretty damn good.
