I don’t read that as evidence that she has a crush on him.
Here’s what I would do (for background information, I didn’t get picked on in junior high, but I didn’t pick on anyone. No one knew I existed except for my small group of friends, just how I liked it).
I’d tell her I was sorry one more time. Truly mean it. Then, I would never speak to her again. I wouldn’t seek or out or anything. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll find you. And if she does talk to you, don’t say sorry or anything. Just go on as normal. If she starts taking stabs at you, say something like, “Look, I said I was sorry and I meant it. I realize I was a jerk, but if you want to do nothing but attack me, if you want to become like I was, I’d rather not speak with you. Goodbye.”
Leave it at that.
It sounds like a crush to me. At junior high age, you don’t admit someone is cute unless you have a crush on them.
I have no animosity towards him. I was a bit of a shit at age 12 too. And, as i said before, i think it’s great if he really has changed his ways.
But his whole attitude here is still self-centered. It’s all about what’s happening to him, and whether or not it’s fair. Even if he has turned his behavior around, this girl still owes him nothing. She is under no obligation to accept his apology or to treat him as if this all never happened. If she wants to tell him to go fuck himself, he gave her that right with his past behaviour. And if he doesn’t want to hear it, he should just stay away from her, and then no-one will have to deal with confrontations.
The things the girl said sound pretty hateful, but i imagine that only someone who has been tormented like this girl was can understand how much hate and anger builds up inside when people are constantly putting you down and making fun of you.
My advice would be just to stay away from her. That way, neither of you has to deal with it.
I was mocked mercilessly when I was young. It took me several decades and a conversion to Christianity to be able to forgive the kids who dedicated themselves to making me feel ugly and worthless. I doubt that any of them would recognize me today, which is probably a good thing.
I’m not surprised that this girl hasn’t forgiven you. I hope, for her sake, that she eventually does so. A grudge is a terrible thing. It nurses. And what do grudges eat? They eat the people who hold them.
IMHO, the best thing you can do is nothing, and try to stay away from this girl. You can’t undo the damage you’ve done, and if you are truly remorseful, you don’t need to beat yourself up over this.
I haven’t had a chance to go through the entire thread as yet, but is it just me or does it seem like the only reason START wants to apologise is because “Laura” hows turned out to be a cutie?
What you did was disgusting, I concur with most of the other posters just let the girl live in peace… if she insults you grin and bear it.
grumbles on finishing the thread I see Im not the only person to have that thought.
START, you make it sound like it was long ago and far away when you were a jerk, but it was only three or four years ago, wasn’t it? That’s not very long in the grand scheme of things, and surely too short a time to expect her to have forgiven and forgotten. I’ve long since gotten over middle school teasing, but then, I’m 28, not 15 or 16. It’s your bad luck to have run into her again so recently, but I can’t say that it’s able to expect her to pay you back some for putting her through hell for a year and a half - hopefully it won’t be a full 18 months of it.
Umm…guys? What’s up with all the comments like, “That’s not being a proper Christian” and all that? This ain’t GD, the kid’s got enough problems without you all trying to convert his religion.
Actually START, I thought of the perfect way to get back at her. First, convince the most popular boy in school to invite her to the school prom. Fix the election so they both get voted King & Queen. Wait until they reach the middle of the dance floor, then grab that rope that leads to the rafters where you hid the bucket of pig’s blood earlier…
On second thought, scratch that. She might be telekenetic.
I just assumed they knew something I didn’t (for example, that he’s a Christian?).
The thing is that START hasn’t really changed.
First off, you didn’t tease her because she had pimples, or she was fat, or that she smelled funny. You teased her because you were a jerk. Specifically, you were an attention whore. You loved getting into the spotlight and you did this by publically humiliating her.
You didn’t stab her in the heart. You stabbed her in the back. Befriending her one day in private and then turning on her the next day in public. That is the messed up part. Your apology to her imediatly following was meaningless.
So she is angry and bitter and she has ‘gone places’ with it that you feel you don’t deserve.
Has she taken away you dignity in public? Has she made it so people don’t want to be friends with you? You know, Doctor Frankenstein wasn’t very happy with the way his creation turned out either.
The fact that you realize that what you did was wrong and you feel bad about does NOT make you some sort of deep, introspective, great guy. You’ve made the bare minimum requirements of being human and that is all. But really, aren’t you still a bit of an attention whore? Don’t you just luuuuuuve getting people patting you on the back for how great you are? You feel bad about teasing a girl so you’re a great guy. Why doesn’t she think I’m great? Everybody loves me baby, what’s the matter with you?
Now some people here feel protective of you. They like the idea of helping a young man through his difficult teenage years. And the people who, like me, are yelling at you and calling you on what we believe to be your bad behavior are trying to help you too. You haven’t realized how badly you treated her. You haven’t changed. Not yet. Not really. You are still “hey everyone, pay attention to me” guy but only praise me because I am perfect or at least really handsome and anybody who disagrees with me is wrong.
Remember, we are only hearing your side of the story. That day may not be the worst day for her. Her version of how you treated her is probably far worse than your version. Even your telling of the story, you are entirely focused on you. I didn’t care what my cheering section thought, I had to apologized with every fiber of my being. I didn’t care that they saw me run after her. You also didn’t care that they saw you make her cry. You haven’t really put yourself into her shoes. You haven’t realized what you did to her. You are still only thinking about yourself.
What a wonderful thread for fighting ignorance. I almost hurled several times.
So, when START was an asshole, it was bad, but when Laura exhibits the same behavior it’s karma? No it’s not. It’s just revenge, and to the poster that suggested otherwise, I call bullshit. By suggesting he condone and accept this behavior, do you know what you are telling Laura? That it’s OK to pick on the weaker folks. When she turns her new self on somebody who is now where she was, what do you tell them? Do they have to suck it up too?
Last week there was a thread on physical violence. The consensus was there were no fighting words. **Laura **smacks START and the canonization starts. So, if the underdog fights back, that’s cool? No. It’s not. Fighting is bad, even if he deserved it. Your parents ever accept the “He started it” argument, or did they just tell you both to shut up?
And excuse me, but every one of the “I was that girl” posts left me with the same feeling. Laura is now my proxy in kicking START’s balls. Laura is not your surogate, she is a disturbed person. The reason that **Laura’**s transformation got START’s attention is not because she “cleaned up,” but because she had the moxie to confront him.
START was wrong then, dead wrong. He seems to get that now. And while 3-4 years may not be a long time to Elfkin, if you look at it as a fraction of his life, it’s a ton of time.
To the lovely folks that have told him that a leopard can’t change it’s spots…rot somewhere warm. He is at least trying to change, and changing is hard. You, on the other hand, seem comfortable in your rectocranial inversion. Enjoy the view.
START, my advice is avoid her when you can. Never go back to the hateful snot you were. You have moved past it, no matter what those around here seem to see. Tell Laura that the behaviour she found bad in you is as bad in her. Hurting people weaker than you always makes you a bully. And you are sorry for the lessons you taught her about bullies. Than appologize for making her one and walk away.
Good luck to you.
WOW! share with me how you read minds, I’ll address the rest of your crap later.
Holy shit! I just read through two pages of this venom (on both sides), and look up to discover that we’re not even in the BBQ Pit! Jeeeezerz, is this the SDMB these days?
I agree. I would add that sincere apology should point out the hypocrisy of her now acting like an ass to you. Offer a truce. If she doesn’t accept then you have every right to fight fire with fire. Making jokes is one thing, but bringing up dead family members is wayyyyyy overboard.
People keep saying this, and I find it bizarre. I wasn’t particularly wise for my age at 15, and I was certainly capable of feeling remorse over bad things I did. People are capable of it at a much younger age than that - START felt bad about what he did when he was 12. Kids feel bad if they’re made to understand their actions at a much younger age than that - it’s just that middle school kids are often immature enough to weigh social approval over human decency. That’s why middle school kids suck, and that’s why middle school sucks.
I wasn’t a START or a Laura in middle school - I got made fun of sometimes, as everyone that age does, but I wasn’t a constant victim. I’m still able to see the magnitude of what START did.
START, you can begin by honestly comparing what you did to her and what she did to you. You found someone who was emotionally fragile, persecuted her with an audience, and probably made her hate herself. Then, when she forgave you, tried to befriend you, and made herself emotionally vulnerable, you mocked her for something she already hated herself for. You did it for an audience, so she got to see every face turned, laughing at her. What you did hurt her so much because she was fragile and had a weak self-conception, and it made every one of her emotional problems worse.
Compare what you did to her, to what she’s doing to you. She’s obviously trying her damnedest to hurt you as much as you hurt her, three years ago. And I doubt she’s been successful at it - you don’t have the damaged sense of self that she had, and there’s no way she can hurt you as bad. It’s clear that she wants to, though. It’s not a good impulse on her part, but that’s what it is. Be grateful - grateful that what she’s saying isn’t reinforcing the horrible feelings you already have towards yourself. Be grateful that, while she essentially sort of felt like a living pimple, you don’t half-believe the things she’s saying to you now, so they don’t hurt as bad. Be grateful that while you hurt her in front of a crowd of people, so as to leave her believing that everyone agreed that she had no worth as a human being, when she says these things to you, you’re not surrounded by dozens of people laughing at you. She hasn’t done a quarter the emotional harm to you that you have to her. You made her hate herself; she’s making you pissed off. It’s not even comparable.
And you know what? It would be strange if she did forgive you. It wasn’t long enough ago for her to be over it yet. And think about it - she already gave you a second chance. After you persecuted her for you and your friends’ amusement for a long time, she forgave you, believed you were different, and opened herself up to you. And you struck her when she was vulnerable. So compound the daily torture you had given her with the humiliation of being treated that way by someone she trusted.
You used up your second chance. How many more should one person give you?
I don’t know why you expect to be forgiven. She should treat you civilly, but if she doesn’t, you don’t get to be upset because you hurt her far more than it’s possible for her to hurt you. All you get to do is turn the other cheek. If you’ve apologized and she won’t accept it, then that’s it. If you attack her again, then you’ve demonstrated that nothing about you has changed.
Personally, I don’t see you as having made any particular changes since that time, if you’re considering mistreating her again. But I’m stupidly optimistic, so I think there’s probably some tiny possibility you’ll prove me wrong. I hope you do.
Smart,
Junior high school and high school suck–completely–for 98% of the students. And being a teenager also sucks.
It looks like you screwed up royally and you know it. It also sounds like she’s still got a major chip on her shoulder. Add me to the list of those who think you should make one more sincere apology, and then stay out of her way as much as possible.
Part of being young includes making mistakes. In fact, part of being alive means making mistakes. It happens. Recognize, repent, and move on.
And just for the record, I’m not getting the “jerk” vibe from you. You’re young, you’ve had a lot to deal with recently, and you’re learning from it.
Sometimes, maybe most times, START, life has ragged edges. Life isn’t fair (and if you think about it, that’s a good thing), and being good isn’t a lucky charm. You either have potential because there is a kernel of positive humanity in you that is being obscured, bound, by frailties. Or you’re a genuine jackass of psychopathic proportions.
I work with kids about your age and I’d guess the former is closest to the truth. Which means that when situations like this one with Laura come up, you’ve got to choose what is right, not what is easy. This will become easier with time if you pay attention, buy yourself some empathy (Laura’s having a sale on it right now, “get your fragile self smashed to smithereens for the low, low price of trusting a guy who seemed like an asshole, but maybe isn’t in reality”) and apply the wisdom gained as often as is possible. Which should be nearly every damned time, the older you get. You’re getting to the age where your youth should no longer be an excuse, especially because you don’t seem to be stupid, either.
Laura was hurt terribly and it’s not ever going to go away. Do your best to apologize sincerely, stay away from her whenever possible and when you can’t, and she becomes abusive, just walk away. She’s got her own demons to fight and you can only do so much. You can’t really make what happened all better, but you can stop yourself from doing it to anyone else. That’s the closest to even-steven you’re going to get.
Learn from this and become a better person or don’t learn and maybe life as an asshole won’t be so bad. From what I’ve seen though, karma exists and she’s a bitch-goddess.
Hmmmm…well what can I say to that but, “point well taken”? I see your point but IRL things are different, I’m different. Good point and yes I wanted to be a jerk back to her but have already made up my mind even before reading these replies that it wouldn’t be a good thing.
I hope any curses Laura wants to put on me help her in the healing process.
So for the way I presented this thread I will not defend myself but there is no way I would ask how I could make it up to her because I can’t, I ruined most of Junior High for her and I can’t give it back. Anything I could do would fall extremely short, so all I know of is to say “sorry” and maybe she will eventually forgive me.
I was a “Laura” too.
If I were face-to-face with one of my tormentors right now, I’d probably pull out a few zingers for them. The only thing that would make me stop wouldn’t be an apology. It would be tears and public humiliation. An eye for an eye, and all that.
The next time she says something to you, pull a “Laura”. Burst into tears and then run into the bathroom. I think it will break the curse.
Seriously, though, I’m sorry she’s being mean to you. Mean people suck, regardless of how or why they’re that way. Maybe Laura is mean because of what you did to her. Or maybe she’s mean because that’s just the way she is, and you’re the easiest and most justifiable target.
If you are truly a New and Improved Start, you’re going to have to let her win this one. Do the sincere apology thing and if the ugliness continues, pray for her. Don’t slam her back. Don’t hurl invectives her way. Just ignore her. When she comes over, close your bedroom door. Go out for a walk or something. Put on earphones and pretend you can’t here her. Eventually, she’ll tire of you and leave you be.
I’d also like to say, START, that it is clear your new surroundings are changing you in a good way. Your writing skills, dude, are impressive. You are taking the time to articulate your thoughts now instead of engaging in rambling stream-of-consciousness. I can see that you are maturing, and I’m glad.
I really really hope you have stopped teasing people, though. There are better ways of making friends than being cruel.