- I Work in Retail and People are Fucking Idiots and Santa Isn’t Real
Our home decor store has a new sale just about every other week. This week the promotion includes a selection of wicker patio furniture, that comes with its own cushions, at 60% off. It’s a good deal for decent furniture with not-so-pretty cushions.
Every place in which our stores operate gets the same ad in the paper showing that deal. Unfortunately our store isn’t carrying that selection. Other stores do, but not us. So, you annoying, stubborn geriatrics, when the ad, ON THE DAMN PICTURE WHERE YOU CANNOT MISS IT, says that “Quantities and Selection May Vary,” it means that not every store has the wicker that comes with its own cushions. We ain’t got it, and I told you that kindly and politely three times before you left the store.
Yes, I’m pretty damn sure that our ridiculously expensive patio furniture isn’t on sale. No, it ain’t 60% off. Those chairs are $250 a pop and if you don’t like it, tough. We can’t always get what we wanna.
Somehow, sometime later, your wrinkly, retired asses came back. Apparently ya’ll decided that Yes, you WERE, in fact, going to get the expensive, Not-on-Sale patio furniture for 60% off because YOU decided that’s what the ad said. Somehow, you browbeat my manager into convincing her district manager to get you an insane discount (and free cushions). And you know, congratulations on that. Really. Personally, I’d love to get $2,600 worth of furniture (and free cushions) for $1,300.
The thing is, you have to A) live in some kind of fantasy world or B) believe we were really just fucking around with you and that expensive furniture really WAS on sale the whole time to SEND YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS to come and get the same non-existent discount. Which they damn well didn’t, by the way. My manager did this to shut you up about our “Bait and Switch” tactics (Honestly, that was ass-baggery of tremendous magnitude) and got your other geriatric pals in return.
Oh, and fitting 10 pieces of furniture in the back of a Chevy Avalanche? Ridiculous, you addle-brained retirees.
- Enough with the Stuttering Already
It’s about time that talking heads on radio and tv slowed down and stopped the stuttering. These guys wouldn’t have gotten their jobs if this stuttering was an actual pathology out of their control. It would be mostly unlistenable.
From Jon Stewart to the local sports radio guys, stuttering has taken the place of “Uh, uhm, er,” etc. Terri Gross on NPR kills me with it.
I know these folks don’t really stutter because they can read copy without trouble. It’s when they try to extemporize th-th-that their, w-w-w-well, their, uh-uh-uh tongues get ahead of-of-of-of their brains.
Slow the fuck down. Think about what your going to say instead of trampling all over one another trying to spit your words out first.