I am curious what people’s reactions would be in this scenario.
You have a first date with a guy you met online on Friday. It went well. Good conversation, good energy, no jaw-dropping revelations that bring about disappointment or creepy sensations. You end the date with mutual assurances that there will be a return performance. It is a positive experience albeit not a love at first sight thing (which has never happened to you anyway). The guy is neither extraordinarily handsome or fugly, but for what it’s worth, average attractiveness has never kept you from digging someone before. You figure you need more exposure to this person to really know if there is true potential here.
Over the weekend, there is much correspondence over email. And again, you enjoy the communication. The guy sends you a picture of himself, but never fear, it’s perfectly G rated. He asks you to send a pic or two of yourself and you do, even though you wonder to yourself why exactly he’s so interested in pics when he’s already seen you in person. But that is not important; you figure this is just his way of showing interest. In exchange for the one pic you send, he sends you two more of himself. He compliments you on the pic you sent him.
He then asks you point blank whether you find him attractive. He has thick skin, he says. So he can handle your response.
What would be your gut reaction to this question? No big deal? Annoyance? Amusement?
I was annoyed and I suspect my answer to him revealed that.
Pretty much this, but asking this after one date, to me, indicates the guy has some underlying insecurities. I don’t believe I have ever asked this question of anyone. I would feel like a jerk asking this.
I’d be annoyed at the strange picture sending. One, okay… two more for no apparent reason… wth?
Yeah, he’s dealing with something personal. Some kind of issue there. Could be insecurity, could be narcissism. Probably not a deal breaker at this stage but something worth exploring if you continue dating.
He’s got low self-esteem and looking for reassurance because he’s in a too good to be real scenario and if you’re going to leave him after a few dates because you don’t find him attractive he’d rather just know now and move on with his life.
Are the pictures he sent you not the most flattering? Almost like he might possibly be trying to turn you away…but in a joking sort of way?
WAG: He’s recently had a woman tell him “Sorry, but I just don’t find you attractive”; and he’s thinking “finding you attractive” or “being attracted to you” means “liking the way you look” (which it more does for men than for women).
My best interpretation of his question is that he’s perhaps concerned that your farewell expressions of interest in another date were merely polite white lies. From what you’ve said, it’s hard to say how reasonable a concern it is, but such things have certainly happened before. Or it could be something less rational.
I think I’d say “Well, I still would like to see you again and see how things go. Were you trying to ask something else?”
I mean, life is too short, and communicating between us screwed-up humans too hard, to keep guessing what people are trying to say when you can ask them. Find out about the crazy, now, I say.
I’m the one who proposed the specifics about having a second date. If he had any doubts that I was interested in seeing him again, I really don’t know why. It suggests some insecurity.
Two out of three were run-of-the-mill. But the third one had him looking like someone from an 80’s rock band (and not in a good way), so I dunno…
I’d be taking note of the red flag, to be sure. After one date I don’t think I’d call him on it (yet), but I don’t do well with people who are looking to me to be a prop for his ego. I’d certainly be alert for other signs and see how he handles it going forward.
My response to him would likely be, “I don’t know yet. That’s why I want to meet with you again, so we can talk more and figure it out.” If he actually pushed the issue, insisting on an answer NOOWWW, I’d probably just flat-out say “Well I don’t find THIS attractive. Can we drop it?”
I HAVE had someone ask, and it was weird. I dislike being put on the spot so early in the process, especially when it’s clear that they think “I don’t know yet” is a lie. No, it’s not.
My reply would be along the lines of: I found you interesting enough that I would like to go on a second date with you. Attraction in itself is quite possible to develop (if applicable to the OP, that is). But to be quite honest with you, your question does leave me wondering. Care to expand on what you’re getting at?
Paraphrased: “I find you attractive. Of course what other answer could I say that wouldn’t result in mutual awkwardness? Just saying. But you’re cute.”
Then I told him that I liked his most recent pic (not the 80’s looking one).
I can’t think of any good, normal reason for it. People send photos when online dating to see what each other look like in the absence of a real life meeting. The OP has already had that. Like I said, it’s just too weird for me.
The situation sounds a bit weird to me, but not in any way that would raise red flags. The request for a picture is a bit odd, but could have any number of reasonable explanations: For instance, maybe he wants to be able to show his friends what his date looked like. I’m sure it could also have nefarious or icky explanations, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head, so I wouldn’t worry about them.
The question about whether he’s attractive, I would attribute mostly to insecurity. But probably not a particularly bad case of it.
I don’t know why he wanted pics. It didn’t creep me out anything, but it seems completely unnecessary since 1) he’d seen me up close and personal already, and 2) there’s several pics of me on my profile. I didn’t send him a really flattering pic of myself so let’s hope he didn’t disseminate that thing.
It’s possible he asked for pics so that he’d have an excuse to send me pics. Which would then would provide an easy opening for him to inquire about his attractiveness. I have no idea. It would never occur to me to ask a guy after the first date whether he was attracted to me.