Advice needed: what if you learned what a friend's online date looks like?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is kind of an awkward and embarrassing question for me to ask. And it’s my own fault for being snoopy.

My best friend’s met this guy online – not in a dating context like eHarmony or some hookup chatroom, but something that would be called a “cute meet” in Hollywood. My friend has some niche interests and apparently she started listening to a radio show where this one guy caught her attention. His sense of humor, his intellect, his cultural sensibilities, his passion about politics… all lined up with her own.

During one show he asked for email comments from his listeners on a topic, and my friend (who’s normally very shy) decided to write in. They had a discussion about the topic and his show, and their obvious compatbility became, well, obvious. Recently they exchanged phone numbers and now they’re talking often. They’re sympatico in a zillion ways and care about the same things, laugh about the same things, and even get pissed off at the same political/social issues.

I’m a major cynic and checked him out and even I am seriously impressed with how smart, talented and multi-faceted he is. On paper he is crazy awesome, and from the sound of his conversations with my friend, he’s compassionate, funny, bright, quirky, cultured… He’s even the right age for her. And he lives in the same state she does (California), amazingly enough.

Now the here’s shallow part.

My friend is gorgeous (as in, seriously beautiful) but a bit overweight, though in the process of losing & getting in shape, and she’s very very insecure about meeting him face-to-face; she’s certain she’ll disappoint him. She knows he’s overweight too and has seen the very small picture available online and thinks he’s cute. He’s asked for a pic and says she’s beautiful. Her insecurity makes her doubt this and she’s putting off meeting him for this reason.

The thing is… I’m a better internet snoop than my pal. Just out of curiosity – because this man’s profession really interests me (it’s related to my own) – I looked up his background and confirmed just how accomplished this dude is. I have also found a video of this guy hosting a discussion at some professional convention thingy. And yup, he’s as personable, charming, smart as my friend thinks he is.

But he’s also … not conventionally attractive, I’ll put it that way. Very large (probably has 150lbs on my friend), out of shape, very little hair (on top of his head; he has a geeky neckbeard deal). The little picture from his blog must be ten years old, I’d say.

Considering how seriously awesome everything else about this guy is, I don’t think his looks would, or should, be a dealbreaker. My friend isn’t obsessed with men’s appearances. But physical attraction does matter, right? In all her angsting about whether she’s attractive enough for this guy, she doesn’t seem to have asked herself, “what if I don’t find him attractive?”

Sorry for all this preamble but I wanted to give you the situation. My question is: do I show my friend the video? And if so, how?

It’s quite likely none of my business. I just see her getting more and more into this guy, emotionally/intellectually speaking, over a very short time, and part of me wonders if she’s heading for a disappointment. Honestly even as I write this I realize, “oh come on, give her some credit, eventually she’ll find out and it’s not my business, anyway.” I mean, for God’s sake, I could’ve found actually bad things about him – that he’s married or racist or a nutjob or scam artist or any number of other problems – and I didn’t. He seems to be that nearly mythical creature we ladies have heard about: a great guy.

But I love my friend, we’re like sisters, and I just … I dunno. I hate knowing something she doesn’t about someone she’s falling for. And yes, it’s totally my own fault. I put myself in an awkward situation and I guess I should just keep my mouth shut.

What would you do?

2

Well, it’s not like she’s deliberately avoiding looking at his picture before meeting. If she were a better snoop, as you put it, she would have found the same picture you did. I’d just say, “Dude, I found a picture of your guy! Here’s the link!” and leave it at that.

3

If he works in your field, then you can just say “Hey, I came across this video about a conference on [work-related technical issue] and isn’t this the guy you’re online dating? He seems so [insert compliment; friendly, charming, whatever but nothing about his appearance]”

Let her react to his appearance herself.

4

I’d leave it alone unless you can show it to her and compliment him at the same time. “Hey, here’s a video, he seems cool/he’s kinda cute/I like his beard/etc”

Who knows, if she’s not that into looks (and he isn’t hideous), then maybe she’ll be okay. And if she’s “out of his league” it might give her a confidence boost so she doesn’t sit there the whole time not talking and staring at her shoes.

5

I agree with the others. Send her the link with a compliment about something.

6

I quit reading here, because you’re right. This is shallow.

7

I agree with everyone else. Act excited that you found a video of him for her to see. Don’t mention any of your concerns about his appearance. Just say," Guess what!? I found a video of him! Wanna see it?" If a close friend of mine found a video of someone I was really falling for and I had never see in person, I would be excited. Don’t present it as something that might be negative.

8

Don’t say anything! Mick Jagger looks like hell also, but has serious sex appeal. You can’t tell much from looking at a picture.

Let her decide.

9

Thanks for the responses so far, guys! You offer some good ideas. Seems like most feel I should send the video link with a breezy compliment, though there are a few significant votes for “say nothing.” (And one vote for “choie’s a shallow asshat.” Fair enough, KneadtoKnow, fair enough!)

I’ll probably wait a few days and then send the link and say how cool it is. If anyone thinks this is a mistake, or has other suggestions, please let me know! The last thing in the world I want to do is to screw anything up as far as my friend goes. She’s an amazing person and deserves to find someone just as terrific, warm, funny, talented and smart as she is.

10

If she’s somewhat tubby, and he’s really tubby, and (per your note about his being bald) they are both in their 30’s you kind of need to let this alone IMO. He didn’t chase her, she reached out to him, and now you’ve kind of designated yourself as her BFF cock blocker because he’s a fat ass.

If the sexes in this thread were turned around the nuclear level responses would have already turned this thread into a glass sheet.

11

I would leave it alone. Maybe I’d say something to encourage her to meet the guy in person and get it over with. But I wouldn’t send her the video, unless she said something about trying to find the guy’s picture online and not having any luck. For whatever reason she’s decided not to find/request a picture, that’s how she wants to approach the situation and I wouldn’t mess with it.

12

Do NOT step into this. You have absolutely no good reason to intervene. The fact that you think he’s not good enough looking for her is a very bad reason. There is absolutely nothing good that can come from you sending her a link.

13

I’d stay the hell out of it. It’s not your business.

14

Let your friend decide for herself how she feels about him. Meanwhile, you need to get a life.

15

Jesus H. Stay out of it.

16

Without your intervention, it’s possible that she would love him just the way he is. Sending her the video pretty much guarantees that will never happen. People grow to love the looks of the people they love. Why would you want to subvert that? Stay out of it and let them work it out themselves.

17

Okay, thanks. I’m sorry, I just hate that she’s putting off meeting him because she feels bad about herself. I thought I made it clear that I don’t think this should stop them from being together or meeting…

Obviously I came across very poorly, and perhaps inadvertently made her sound bad too, so I’m sorry for that. I appreciate the advice and since now everyone’s going the other way* I won’t say anything.

  • Though dang, where were all the “shut the fuck up you nosey, no-life bitch” people at the beginning of the thread? The second shift apparently brings on the harsher types. :slight_smile:
18

I’d work on encouraging her to overcome her insecurities and meet him. That just seems like it would be better for her all round (err… so to speak).

19

Wasn’t this the plot for the first Shrek movie?

I wouldn’t send her the photo, but I’d encourage her to meet the guy, maybe even volunteer to go with her. Isn’t that recommended anyway, for a first face to face meeting? Take someone along for safety?

The thing is, when she sees that this guy, despite being overweight and bald, is confident enough about himself to want to meet a gorgeous woman, maybe she’ll start looking at people (and herself) a bit more deeply.

Also, you haven’t said that she’s looking for a sexual relationship. So what if there’s no physical attraction? They’re sympatico in other ways. That’s nothing to sneeze at.

20

I wouldn’t show her. The fact is if you show it to her and she doesn’t like it, that will be it.

If you don’t and they meet face to face, there’s a 99% chance it’ll end the same way, but there’s always a chance once face to face she might overlook his looks.

When you meet in person after talking via phone and the Internet, you ONLY meet for coffee. That way if it goes well you can easily extend the date. If no chemistry, then what have you wasted, $3.00 and 20 minutes of your time.

Tell her to go meet this guy. Life is too short to put up with this. Seriously tomorrow he could step outside and get hit by a bus. So could she. And what she’s not meeting him for what? The sake of 20 minutes of her time.