I need advice about forgiving a friend.

In My Humble Opinion
1

In this thread I was looking for advice and trying to decide if I should date my friend; I decided not to. I figured it wasn’t something a solid, long term relationship could be built upon and in the meantime I’d lose a very dear friend.

Now I need some more advice. This same friend and I do quite a lot of teasing and joking around. One thing we often joke about is if one of us gets a new camera or webcam we’ll say something like “oh now you can send me naked pictures”. This is something we’ve joked about, but never EVER done, for the last 10 years.

Anyway, he got a new camera, I said “oh now you can send me naked pics”. So he did. He sent me a very graphic, close-up of his erect penis, complete with pre-cum dripping down the underside.

I am not a prude, I enjoy porn. I even like some porn that he doesn’t.

I was totally squicked right out by the photo. I felt betrayed and a little violated. It wasn’t labeled “this is my dick” so I just clicked it, not knowing what he’d sent me. When I said that I wasn’t happy with him sending it, he said “well, you asked for it”. Yes, I did “ask for it” but only in the same way we’ve both asked for it for the last decade.

I was pretty angry about him sending it, then saying I asked for it and I let him know how I was feeling. He sent me an email saying he was going to be busy for a long time and if he got around to it, he’d talk to me again. I sent one back saying " that sounds like a “fuck off” to me. He didn’t reply, I didn’t write anything else and we haven’t spoken online or on the phone since March. Well my birthday was on the weekend and he sent me an email saying “Happy Birthday” and yesterday I received a gift from him that he sent.

I know it would have been very hard for him to email me and to send a gift. I don’t know how/if to reply.

Should I just let the picture thing go? I feel like he owes me an apology, for sending the photo and for saying I asked for it. He knows all about my history of sexual abuse and that I might be a bit sensitive to that sort of thing.

So what do I do? Do I write back and say “thanks for the gift, all is forgiven!”? Do I say “thanks but I still need an apology”? Do I say nothing?

2

If it were me, I’d just thank him for the gift without adding anything else to it about forgiveness (positive or negative). Then leave it to him to take the next step.

3

I hadn’t thought about that actually. Just say “Thank you for the birthday gift.” and leave it at that?

4

Have you explained all of this to him?

After reading a bit about him from the linked thread, perhaps he has even less of a clue what to do than you. Maybe he’s afraid to broach the subject again for fear of REALLY upsetting you, and he’s waiting for you to respond. Sending a gift seems like he’s reaching out but doesn’t know how or even if to revisit the offending incident; he needs some indication from you on how to proceed.

5

Explained what exactly? That I was hurt and angry? Yes I told him exactly how I was feeling and that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to just forget the incident without an apology.

As for the linked thread, yeah I told him exactly how I was feeling. He understood but wasn’t happy about it.

6

Then I would forgive him, assuming you miss not being his friend any more. This gift is a way of apologizing.

7

Okay. It sounds to me like you miss your friend and you want to forgive him but you require an apology first. I don’t see anything wrong with being right up front about it. Explicitly request an apology; I see no reason to play games, especially if this person is as socially inept as indicated.

8

I do miss him very much. That’s what I’m kind of thinking too, that it’s his way of apologizing.

Yes, I do want to forgive him and I do require an apology. When this all first happened, I told him that in order to move past this, I need him to understand that sending the photo was offensive and that blaming me was hurtful.

I’m just not sure if I still need the apology anymore. Is this something that is ok to just let it go and be friends again?

9

I read the linked OP but not the entire thread, so apologies if my answer is too simple, but: what sort of relationship do you want with this person right now? That answer will determine how you move forward.

He could easily have mistaken your “send me nude pictures” comment not as a continuation of a long-standing joke, but as you having changed your mind about a closer relationship. Imagine his embarassment to find out he misunderstood.

Remembering you on your birthday may be the best way he could think to apologize. If he often makes social mis-steps, this is just another, and you’ll need to be calm enough to figure out how to minimize them.

10

That’s up to you, isn’t it? You’re the one who has to figure out whether this indirect apology is enough.

11

I want my friend back. And he always makes social mis-steps, the poor guy. But he is a very good and decent person.

12

Bolding mine.

That’s got to be entirely up to you. The first sentence that I bolded is obviously the key here, and that’s something only you can decide.

13

I don’t know how you usually resolve misunderstandings with this friend, but I’ll offer you an idea that’s worked for me.

If your friend seems upset by something that you’ve said, *invite them to join you for a thought experiment. *Then re-state the issue in the kindest way you know how, and close your note (I’m assuming written communication, obviously) with a short statement about how much their friendship means to you.

14

Whatever will work for you is what is OK. Call the gift an apology, never speak of it again, start over.

15

Essentially, though maybe not in such bald terms. Again, if this were me (YMMV, of course) and I wanted the guy back as a friend (especially after what you said about his making social missteps fairly often), I’d accept the email and gift as his clumsy attempt at an apology, and thank him kindly for it (“Thanks a lot for the gift, I really liked it!” or something like that. Not just “Thanks.”)

Obviously I don’t know either of you, but my read from what you’ve told us is:

He sent you the pictures, you were hurt and told him so, he got defensive, you got angry. (Apparently guys are pretty sensitive about their…anatomy. Maybe somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, he felt like you were criticizing it by rejecting his pictures. Who knows?)

Time passes, during which you both realize you want to be friends again but don’t know how to approach it.

He sends you a birthday gift as a “peace offering” to test the waters.

The ball’s in your court now–if you accept his peace offering and thank him kindly for it, then chances are you can just both move on if you no longer require the apology. If you want to be friends but do still require the apology, then (again if it were me) I wouldn’t approach it as “Thanks, but you still have to apologize if we’re going to be friends again,” but more like, “Thanks–loved the gift. I have to be honest, though, I’m still feeling a little weird about what happened before.” (I’d say this in a friendly, nonconfrontational way.) That’s his opening to realize that you still need closure, but that you’re willing to let it go.

16

What’s best?:

“Thank you for the gift.”

“Thank you for the gift. How are you?”

“Thank you for the gift. I have to be honest, I’m still feeling a bit weird about what happened before.”

“Thank you for the gift. I still require an apology.”

17

You’re just rewording the question that nobody here can answer. You have to decide if you can proceed without an apology.

I’d probably let it go, but that’s just me. I would guess he’s very embarrassed that his picture caused such a strong negative reaction from you. If you dwell on it, you very well may lose the friend.

18

Is it possible that he was a little drunk or something and sent the pic in a moment of very poor judgement - and that he was mortified about it later? That could explain things.

19

You seriously feel due an apology? For what? He was supposed to read your mind and know you would be offended by something you have been joking about? I can guarantee you it was his way of trying to crack the sexual ice with you. Guy’s don’t send photo’s of their junk to girls to offend them. They do it because they think it’s funny OR that it might lead to something sexual.

Don’t be so offended.

20

I vote for “Thank you for the gift. How are you?”. Forgive and forget.