I have a theory…I call it my “Catastrophic Lapse of Judgment Theory.” It states that every once in a while, for no explicable reason, perfectly reasonable, mature, and otherwise non-idiotic people will do incredibly stupid things, usually on the spur of the moment. Why do they do this? Who knows? Something pops out of their mouth before their internal governors have a chance to squelch it; they hang around with friends who convince them it’s a good idea; they have a split-second glitch in their mental programming that makes them do the deed. Examples of Catastrophic Lapses of Judgment, ranging in level of extremity:
Prince Harry deciding to go to a party dressed as a Nazi.
Telling a sensitive friend that those pants look really hideous on her.
“No, the train’s not that close! I’ll gun it and make it across the tracks easily!”
Posting an embarrassing photo of yourself on Facebook (or sending it to your friend)
Getting a tattoo while drunk (assuming, of course, that you hadn’t planned to get one while sober).
At best, CLoJ’s are embarrassing. At worst, they’re deadly. I think your friend had one–that’s the only explanation that makes sense to me given what you said about how you both made the same “send me naked pictures” joke multiple times over many years. Somehow, at that particuar point in time, maybe an increased interest in you as more than a friend came together with a misguided sense of humor and resulted in one big mistake. I’d be surprised if the guy didn’t secretly feel horrible about it after the fact.
What does this mean for what you should do? I can’t tell you that. Naturally I can’t even tell you if I’m right about the CLoJ. But this sure sounds like a textbook case to me.
You are hurt and need healing, you can’t forget till the wound is healed, you will just be burying the pain if you try to forget it.
Something similar happened to me, not the same event, but a friend hurt me very deeply, thought they didn’t intend it - and I knew they never intended to hurt me, but I was hurt.
“All is fun and games till someone gets hurt”
Sums it up, it doesn’t matter the intention, but the reply to a cry that one member is hurt from 2 people ‘playing’ together. If he is a friend he will help you heal, if he does not help you when you are wounded, it shows where his heart is, and you should be considering if you should continue friendship with him. I’d say the gift is possibly a way for him to start to say he’s sorry, but it could be ‘just get over it’.
What I did it let them know how much it hurt me, and in your case relate it to your past history, let them know that you didn’t even realize how much hurt this will cause you when you were joking around with it, but now you are hurting.
Let him realize that you desire to reconcile with him, realizing that you are wounded, and giving him a chance to help you heal. If he does not wish to reconcile or does not reply, let him know that you need better friends, ones you can turn to in times of hurting and you will have to break friendship with him.
Also what is the gift, that in itself can be revealing.
If I were in your position, I’d go with #2. But then, I’d rather do whatever is the opposite of dragging things out. If you reallyreallyreally want him to apologize, go with #3, and say, straight up: “Look. I’d really appreciate it if you apologized for hurting my feelings by blaming me for what you sent.”
#1 sounds abrupt and brusque.
#4 sounds harsh, cold, and punitive. Is that how you want to come across? (Not being snarky: it’s an honest question. Sometimes, that’s precisely the tone someone’s aiming for.)
No, I don’t want to come across as cold. I guess I’m not exactly sure how I want to come across, but definitely not cold. I learned a long time ago with him that I have to be totally direct, he doesn’t catch social cues.
I’m sure he’s very embarrassed and just wants the whole thing to go away.
I guess one thing that’s sort of holding me back is I always just accept his social faux pas and I try to remember that he has social issues and try to not get annoyed with him. This was sort of the last straw. I sometimes wonder why it always has to be me who lets things go.
I know he didn’t mean to hurt me, I know that. I also know that he has no idea how to deal with conflict and other social norms. Despite all of this, he’s really an incredibly decent person who has always treated me the best he knows how. Just sometimes his best sort of sucks.
He always sends me little frog things because he knows I love them so he sent a frog ornament, a book and two pictures of his dog ( I’ve really missed getting new pics of his dog so I liked the pictures the best)
I guess I’m not really sure why the photo is all that bad to begin with. I guess it’s kind of sleazy but if it were me, I think I’d just have made a joke, something like is that all there is, and left it at that. Why did you feel wronged?
I accept that I may be in the minority here. I don’t think someone else has the right to decide “ok now you will look at my penis” w/o my knowledge or consent. It’s completely different than porn. Watching strangers going at it because I’ve chosen to is different than my closest friends erect, wet penis suddenly larger than life on my computer screen.
I think joking about it would have been the worst thing to do because that just gives him the chance to “take an even better one!”.
Something that just occurred to me: Are you sure it was his? Maybe he just found some random porn image on the net and sent you that as a joke. Bad joke, sure, but…I think I would have an easier time with it if it was an anonymous dick rather than one I knew.
Given that you did tell him you were upset by the picture and didn’t think it was appropriate, I would take this gift as his attempt to mend things with your friendship and try to move on. His lame “you were asking for it” defense smacks of being surprised and embarrassed at the time, but I’m guessing he did take your feelings to heart.
But if you go this route, you have to actually let it go (unless he brings it up again, at which point you can tell him again how gross and inappropriate it was) – so, try to send him a relatively friendly thank you email. If you can’t, you need to email him that you’re still kind of freaked out and upset and need some more time to get over it.
Frankly, I think you’re very lucky he ever contacted you again. Had you treated me the way you treated him, I’d be done with you. You asked him to send a naked pic. He did. You got mad about it. The fault here is yours, not his, and if anyone owes an apology, it is you.
True. It’s never happened to me so maybe I would be skeeved. The great part about being female is that you don’t usually have to worry about being perceived as a creepy if you do want to get all exhibitionisty. Though I suppose as James Lipton points out there’s the whole sexting thing. Which is why I prefer the live showings.
Silly ass thing to get all upset about if you ask me, which you sorta did by posting this thread. Not saying you’re a bad person. Am saying you made a bad call. That’s my opinion, which is worth at least what you paid to read it. YMMV.
In the post you linked at the front end of this OP you indicated you have both come to the cusp of cybersex in your online relationship and constantly tease each other with sexual innuendo, he finally follows though on your teasing on you have a full fledged freak out.
If his erect penis pic had been sent with no predicate he’d be a full fledged creep, but In the context you presented it in the prior scenario) this was basically him taking it to the next level.
Testosterone can make you do stupid things, but for you to feel “violated” by your little pet male cyber buddy, because your comfortable little lap man-dog started humping your virtual leg is a bit much. He’s got limited social interaction and he’s grown man with a romantic and sexual crush on you that you have already acknowledged.
For you to sprawl across a fainting couch in disgust now that he’s decided to tell you he wants you “that” way is really a bit much given the history of mutual sexual teasing you have.
Get over yourself. Drop it or drop him and move on.
