I guess I’m in the minority here, but I think you should show her the video, and I think it’s your business. I mean not in any “You have an obligation to tell her” way… just a “She’s like your sister, and sisters talk about that kind of thing” way.
I’m not saying you should show it to her while saying how ugly he is, but I would definitely send her the video without a made-up compliment, unless you have a genuine one to give (I’ll keep my mouth shut about the neckbeard). Worst-case scenario is she decides he’s not her type and they quit wasting time with each other. People don’t like admitting how important physical attraction is in a relationship, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
Just to clarify, I’m saying “Either show her the video or tell her to suck it up and meet this guy face to face”, not just “Show her the video and that’s it”. I agree with the sentiment that something needs to happen soon, and if she just won’t meet him, then show her the video and see if that changes her mind (either pushing her to meet him or calling the whole thing off).
You can’t fix her insecurities for her, and seeing his picture won’t fix her insecurities. A number of not-great things can come of this, including:
She changes her mind and decides not to pursue it
She convinces herself that even a fat guy wouldn’t be interested in her
She puts off the meeting because she knows what he looks like already
Plus what you seem to be hoping, that she’ll see his picture and think "Gosh, this is who I was worried about impressing? " … I dunno, if that happens I don’t really see that being a great start to anything
I don’t see how showing her now is going to change things in a way that wouldn’t happen when met him face to face, so I don’t think there’s any harm in sending her the video; unless maybe the video put her off, and it turned out that he was working to change his looks as well, but if his looks were that much of a dealreaker, they might not be that great of a match anyway.
If the video, as you make it sound, makes him seem like a cool guy and shows what he looks like in an honest and not unflattering to him way then show her. If he was totally hot you would show her, right?
Take his looks out of the equation and do what you would do if you thought he was adorable. Sometimes overweight guys with no hair are adorable, it’s a personality thing and he’s got that.
One thing I do when an overweight friend goes off on the “I’m so fat no one will love me” thing is point out all the overweight and unattractive people we know who are loved, often by attractive or thin people.
I say send the video. You don’t have to say anything about his looks, and it will soften any shock if she knows what he looks like before she meets him face to face. If his looks are a dealbreaker, it gives her the opportunity to tactfully slip out of any planned meetings rather than having to go through an awkward, uncomfortable disappointment in person.
I really don’t see the big deal with sending her a video, or see how that’s cock blocking or anything. It’s not like you have to say, “eww gross, look.” Just, “I found a video, check it out.”
She should realize that there’s a reason he works in radio…
I just heard a beer commercial recently that listed things that happen in your life that ruin something for you. One of them was “The time you found out what your favorite radio DJ looked like…”
If you are truly her friend, allow her the dignity of making her own choices in life and living with those consequences. The judgments you’ve made about this man are yours and yours alone and have absolutely no bearing on how your friend should feel about him.
If you care for your friend as much as you say you do, you will stay out of it. She is not a child that needs to be told what to do. She is an adult who’s fully capable of making her own decisions. As her friend, the most loving thing you can do is support her in whatever decision she does make, regardless of how you feel about it.
This. I imagine it would be a little jarring to show up to what is effectively a blind date and not see at all what you’ve imagined. Who knows, his looks might not be a dealbreaker for her at all, but as Dio says, it’ll help her not provide a total :eek: face when she sees him.
I’d hope my friends would tell me any possible red flags about a blind date I was going to go out with. That’s what friends do. So long as you provide it without judgement, there’s no harm.
Would anybody object to her sending a video if she thought the guy was good looking, or just sent a video because she thought her friend might want to see the guy in action? What’s the difference if she makes no comment on his looks, or any suggestion about what to do or not do about it? I don’t see how it would be interfering with anything.
Send her the link. As a friend, it’s your job to tell her anything interesting you happen to find out about any guy she’s contemplating dating, short of lurking in his bushes.
You’re not being shallow or mean – she’s almost certainly constructed a mental picture of him in her head, and if it’s wildly different than reality it’s going to make that first meeting more challenging. Which, incidentally, is why it’s always a terrible idea to put up inaccurate photos of yourself in online profiles – all you’re doing is creating a huge extra hurdle to getting things off the ground.
That was my thought, too. I also vote for sending the link, especially if she’s got an inaccurate picture in her head. Women can definitely be attracted to heavy guys, but a jarring first meeting isn’t ideal for anyone.
Until I got to this part at the end of your post I figured you were a guy with a crush on the lady in question, that’s how it reads to me, and were looking for an excuse to sabotage the relationship without it reflecting poorly on you. Now I can just say, butt out. Your friend seems to be doing pretty damned well for herself so far and doesn’t need you to point out - “hey look, he’s way uglier than you!”
Why? It’s not like she had to do deep research, the guy is a public figure who made this video publicly available himself. In what way is it invasive?
There’s no intereference being suggested here, because the OP is not proposing making any suggestion to her friend that she not pursue the relationship and not even saying she personally objects to it. It’s just a friendly heads up on what the dude looks like. Who doesn’t want to know what somebody looks like before they date them?
She could really spare the friend an unpleasant time if she has a compltely different image of this guy than what she’s really going to get.
People keep saying, if the looks matter, she’ll find out in person anyway, but in person is not the place to find out. There’s no escape then.
Man I’m more confused than ever. Obviously I’ll default to not sending the link if I still remain confused – doing nothing is the safer option. Still, some people I really respect are saying to send the link. Argh.
Most important is certainly continuing to encourage my friend whenever possible to get past her fears. Well, the illogical ones, anyway. Logical fears I encourage. I don’t think I’m trying to sabotage her. As I said before, I think he seems like a really cool and even admirable guy, which are rare on the playing field. And best of all, he makes her feel cared for and listened to.
What about this. If the subject comes up (about what he looks like), would it be bad if I just said, “why not do a lookup on youtube?” Not as if I’d found anything, but as a suggestion? This way it’s up to her – if she’s really interested she can look, if not, she won’t. Or would this be just as bad (and twice as cowardly)? The thing is, knowing my friend, I genuinely don’t think this would stop her from pursuing the relationship altogether. It’d get her “used” to his appearance so that a meeting won’t find her feeling shock that could negatively color the experience.
But in the end it’s her life, and if most people think I could be harming her overall experience in any way, I have to let her live it – including not protecting her from disappointment. I have issues with wanting to protect people from harm. I know this can make me seem like a nagging buttinsky, and I really don’t want to be that kinda person.
The only thing I’ll defend myself on is the “creepy and invasive” from tdn. Is it really that unusual to be curious about someone who’s well-known in a field connected to your own (e.g., he’s a composer and you’re a violinist), and who’s involved with your best friend? I mean, I didn’t scour NEXIS for cites on the guy; I took his name, plugged it into Google, and clicked on the ‘videos’ link. I don’t think that’s exactly stalker material in 2010!
The fact that he’s somewhat of a public figure does mitigate it to a certain extent. But if I’d found out that someone had searched me out in this way, I wouldn’t feel too good about it.
I’m just trying to put myself in the guy’s shoes, and I don’t like it. Maybe he’d be fine with it, but I’m not.
I’d leave it alone. Somethings are none of my business. What is your motive? You want to save her from a guy you don’t think is attractive enough or you are insecure about losing your best friend?
Dig down deep and find out why you feel the need to sabotage your best friends happiness.
It’s not creepy and invasive to look at youtube video that somebody chooses of their won feewill to post of themselves, no. That’s ridiculous. So are implications that you are butting into anything. You aren’t. Your friend has obviously told you about this guy because she wants you to knw about him. Showing her you found a video of the guy is a perfectly normal and non-invasive thing to do. You’re not trying to tell her what to do, or expressing any opinion at all about the guy, just sending her a video of aguy she’s interested in. Hell, you could even compliment the dude on the non-physical aspects of his personality and presentation like you did in the OP.
I don’t think I’m trying to sabotage her. As I said before, I think he seems like a really cool and even admirable guy, which are rare on the playing field. And best of all, he makes her feel cared for and listened to.