First, this was my *first *wife. That’s code for, “we’re no longer together.”
Second, it’s not as if I never discussed this with her, asked what the issue was, suggested counseling, and ::sigh:: yes, begged. Tried all of those things and they didn’t work. Turned out, she just didn’t like me very much. (She had some psychological problems). She liked the idea of *me *just not having sex. At one point, she wanted me to read a transcript of an episode of Oprah about celibate couples.
Third,she ultimately said that she wanted an “open relationship,” which, as it turned out, meant that *she * wanted an open relationship (for her). When I got a gf, she flipped out, and went into major control mode. Ultimately telling my parents a rather one-sided version of the story. That’s when I got the heck out.
Slight hijack. I started a thread about a month ago about whether people think (not thing as the title said) porn is bad. Interestingly there were a lot more negative comments there than there are here. Just fyi, in case you want some differing opions on the issue.
Me? I think it’s fine for my BF to look at porn. We have a long distance relationship so it’s not fair to either of us to expect us not to find some outlet, and porn/masterbation is the quickest, easiest, and safest.
Well, being stationed on a sub in the cold war was at times rather tense especially on a northern run [arctic sea, playing in russian waters] and the cruises extended 3-8 months. They would hit port in Tromso or Bremerhavn. Tense sailors drink. Tense sailors can drink to excess. mrAru can be known to drink to excess [expecially when younger in the 80s when he was in his 20s] Drinking to excess can in many people make them less inhibited or downright forgetful about things. If one is seriously drunk, one can do things that you would not normally do. Sex can happen. I never saw any reason to castigate him for anything that might happen while away from me.
I am not saying that it is OK for him to go out after work tonight, get hammered and find a whore, anything but - I am saying that if we are separated, shit can happen.
I never castigated him over our having to pay off the credit cards his exgirlfriend ran up on him before he stupidly dear janed her while away on a cruise. That little error on his part cost us over 10K$US we really could have used to suport ourselves…errors in judgement happen.
Aruqan, you are a hell of a lot more forgiving than I would be.
I’m cool with porn and it’s variants, but if my guy goes out and screws someone because he’s drunk, he’s not coming back. And he’ll be lucky if he can walk after I get done with him.
It’s certainly a good idea for them to talk about the porn/sex issue directly, rather than having it be an unspoken issue between them. That said, the OP’s wife wants sex significantly less frequently than the OP, and no amount of housework and pampering is going to change that. Maybe in the short term they’d have sex slightly more often, or maybe they wouldn’t. People sometimes have different sex drives. IME, things go smoother if you don’t approach it as a problem to be fixed, but simply a difference to be worked around.
Sorry, but this is only relevant if we agree that the wife is right to be bothered about him looking at porn, which we obviously don’t. In cases where one’s spouse is bothered by perfectly reasonable behavior, it would be a mistake to allow their unreasonable anger to prevent you from doing reasonable things. For example, if a friend told you it bothered her husband when she used the computer without him standing over and watching her, would you tell her not to do it because she knows it bugs him?
It’s the he-can’t-act-responsibly-when-out-of-my-sight-and-I-shouldn’t-expect-him-to vibe that I don’t get. It’s either too egotistic or not egotistic enough.
If I am across the country and drunk I don’t see how sleeping around is any less of a betrayal than if I am doing it with the next door neighbor. I can see how in wartime or under extreme stress such actions might be expected and, perhaps, more easily forgiven. Proximity and drunkeness might explain behavior but it does not excuse it, or more accurately, it does not absolve one of responsibility.
Whatever the case, I’m not trying to say that such activity is unforgivable, I just get a sense from you that what makes it forgivable is that he isn’t really responsible for the act.
