Nope. I have managed to segregate my physical and electronic porn so they would both be easily disposed of should the occasion arise, but I haven’t anyone to do the deed if I’m dead. I’m not sure who would inherit the task of going through all my crap when I die anyway. I guess it would be weird if my mom happened upon my stash, but then recently told me that when I came out to her she searched my room on the sly to find ‘evidence’ that it was more than a passing phase. She didn’t tell if and/or what she found. I’d be more worried about the literally thousands of randoms notebooks and scraps of paper with various ideas for stories, inventions, and artworks which taken out of context could paint an odd picture of my character. On the other hand I have so much unsorted random crap that it might just get all thrown out in onw fell swoop!
Well now you are going to have tracking down Coupling and look for the episode where they explain about a “Porn Buddy”.
The show is available on Netflix and BBC-America and I am sure in other places. It is an extremely funny sitcom without a standard formula. Well worth looking for.
Jim
Hmm. Not porn so much, but if my husband and I were to die together, there’s an awful lot of… equipment to get rid of discreetly.
I don’t have a porn buddy, but I have to say, I’ve decided that, if I ever kill myself, I will get rid of my prodigious print collection (and clean my house) before I do.
Don’t know why regarding either.
Well, as others said, it’s not like I’m going to be embarrassed, I’m going to be dead. But honestly I’d rather spare my mother the shock and awe of going through my anal plug collection while grieving my loss. Y’know, if I had anal plugs, of course. Bob conveniently masquerades as a “massager” to the innocent (or those capable of great denial). I’m not sure what she’d make of anal plugs. “Oh, my poor darling daughter! She’ll never again use these…um…dog toys? Wait, she doesn’t have a dog…”
Wow. I can’t believe I’m going to be the only honest-to-goodness porn buddy who isn’t a spouse. Though my term in office has expired, back in the mid-80’s my good friend Nikki told me about the collection of home videos she and her husband had made, and where they were kept. She and her family were leaving on a long driving trip, and she asked that if they should meet their demise on the road, before her parents came to clean out the house, would I dispose of it all? She insured that I would not enter her house during her vaction and watch it by the precaution of not giving me the house key…that was left in the care of her very, very strait-laced next-door neighbor who was taking in the mail. There was no way the two of us would crack open a bottle of Reisling and spend an evening watching the videos, so she felt safe with the arrangement. The neighbor was told that if they died, I was to be allowed to come in to the house to “pack up some things that belonged to me”. And as added insurance…the tapes were Beta, and we lived in VHS world…and their Betamax was safely packed away in storage.
Fortunately for all involved, they survived the vacation. Though, now that they have bitterly, bitterly divorced, I long to ask her if the tapes still exist and who got custody.
I have an agreement with a friend that if either if us dies unexpectedly, we will rush over to the other person’s house and plant tons of heinous fetish porn.
I’ve served as a porn buddy when a friend died. Three of us ransacked the place and removed everything a grieving parent would not want to see.
I’ve thought of this actually, but haven’t actually done so. I’m torn between the “plant bunches of fetish porn” camp and “spare the poor people some shock” camp. I guess I’d really prefer my rep to be relatively untarnished, but then my parent’s take on me as a relatively clean, unexciting student is going to be shredded by my friends at my (hypothetical, assuming I get married) wedding anyways, and I think my mom may have a breakdown then, so we’ll see how that goes first.
I don’t have any porn, but I do have a buddy that will come over and remove the contents of my nightstand before anybody gets there.
Inquiring minds want to know: what’s in your nightstand and why should it be removed?
Well, it’s a secret, so don’t tell anyone, but here it is:
1 tablet of Levitra
1 tablet of Cialis
1 tablet of Viagra
1 unopened 6 year old tube of KY Jelly
3 latex condoms and 2 lambskin (one extralarge)
All of the above are just standing by in case I or someone lucky enough to be in my bed need them. I like to be prepared, you see.
Also in the drawer are certain items of recreation that are accompanied by a peculiar odor. So the whole drawer just goes, and the rest of the house is clean. They can all wonder and speculate about why that drawer is gone, but they’ll never know!
Oh, as to why all that should go, I 1) have a very conservative family for who I’m already a black sheep and 2) I’m a very private person anyway and would be mortified even in death for anyone except my PB to open that drawer.
As a matter of fact, I do have a porn buddy. My friend Jake and I have been best friends we were both fifteen, and have been through everything together— we were both on the high school football team, double-dated at prom, and even pledged the same fraternity. Although we both married and Jake moved a few hours away, we still keep in close touch and get together regularly for a game of one-on-one basketball in my driveway.
Which is just what we were doing this past weekend, when my wife was away on business and Jake was over for a visit. We worked up a good sweat— Jake beat me, as always, but he’s the kind of friend who never rubs your face in it— then we retired inside to drink a few Zimas and watch something on the tube.
I told Jake to turn on whatever he wanted, while I went to take a leak. As I stood over the bowl relieving myself, I suddenly heard the sound of moaning blaring from the living room, and I zipped up and returned to find Jake staring at our 65" plasma screen, where a blonde with enormous tits was leaning over a sawhorse being fucked hard and fast, doggy-style. I was embarrassed about having left that DVD in the player and pleaded with Jake to change the channel, but he said “nah, let’s watch this shit!” So I grabbed a beer and sat down to watch.
It was weird, but a little exciting, to be watching hardcore porn with this guy who’d been my friend for so long. It didn’t take long before I found myself with a huge hard-on, which I tried to hide by adjusting my shorts, but I looked over and noticed that Jake was sporting some impressive wood himself. “This shit is fuckin’ hot!” he said, and I had to agree. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Jake begin to rub himself through his terrycloth shorts. “What the hell,” I thought, and began to rub myself also. Jake must’ve noticed, because he suddenly said “I don’t know about you, but I need to jerk off, like right now. You mind?” I said it was fine by me, and we both yanked down our shorts and began jacking off as we watched some brunette chick taking on three guys at once.
“Mind if I come a little closer? I can’t see for shit,” asked Jake, and I just nodded as I continued to wank myself harder. Jake sat right next to me, our bare thighs touching, when suddenly the front door burst open without warning.
“What… the… FUCK?” screamed my wife, her suitcases falling to the floor. My five-year-old daughter Lexxys cowered behind her, holding a Bratz doll in her trembling hands.
“Honey!” I said, tucking in frantically. “What are you…”
“I KNEW you were a faggot!” she shrieked. “I KNEW it! God DAMN it why didn’t I listen! This is IT!”
Jake, I now saw, had risen and made for the door, his shorts tented incriminatingly. “It’s not like that!” I protested.
“FUCK YOU!” she raged. “This is IT! I want a DIVORCE!”
She yanked our daughter outside, the screen door slamming behind them. A moment afterward I heard tires squealing, and then I was alone, in total silence except for the wet, fricative slurping of the onscreen starlet’s viscous orifices, which were probably just overdubs of some hairy tweaker fisting a jar of mayonnaise, anyway.
It’s two of my buddies, one who live a block away, the other is farther away.
Both would probably forget where to go. It’s only one damn closet.
Not a full closet, that’s just where the few things are.
No, I don’t have one. All the porn I have is really cheap bad porn that was purchased with a bunch of friends with the intent to make fun of it, not be aroused. Besides, they would be more freaked out with the other, completely non-pornographic things I have.
Why should I? My mother? She knows plenty about my sex life…I mean not that I show it to her. My SO? We send each other our porn (self made and otherwise) all the time. My congressman? WTF are they doing on my computer? (Maybe I shouldn’t ask.)
I don’t show anything to anyone who doesn’t want to see it but what do I have to be ashamed of? Of me or anything else I’m fond of. I’ll send them to anyone I’m fond enough to want to them to see them (and who want to of course.)
I’d rather have a porn buddy who would mount (ahem) an exibit of my self portraits, ok maybe not where my grand mother can see the, but anyone else who’s interested.
I don’t need a porn buddy because I don’t have any porn, but if I were to download girl-on-girl photos and make up little stories to go with them for my own pleasure – which I don’t do, but if I did – then I’d put them on a password-protected sector of a flash drive that had innocuous articles and photos from the Internet on the unprotected sector, so if I were to die unexpectedly, the only way to use the flash drive would be to re-format it, which would destroy the porn. I don’t need to do that, of course, but if I did, that’s how I’d do it.
Are you kidding?
I have special things-both porn and nonporn- for people to find when I die.
Yes. He knows to rent a dumpster for the occasion… :eek:
I know my dad didn’t. Seventeen-year-old daughter – me – found his stash while we were cleaning out his apartment after his death. It wasn’t much, really, but it was the idea. My dad…with porn?
Now I think it’s funny, but at the time I was pretty embarassed!