Do you know any clever breakup techniques?

In My Humble Opinion
21

It depends if you’re the breaker upper or the breaker upee.

If I’m the breaker upee, after she’s told me she’s breaking up with me, well, then what’s my motivation to stick around to hear her detailed litany of each and every one of my faults? I’ve softened it up with a “Look, I accept what you’ve said but I need some time to process it.” before the details start.

If you’re the breaker upper, tell her “The problems of 2 little people don’t matter a stack of beans in this crazy world. If you stay with me, you’ll regret it; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.”

Or, in the most intimate of moments, just call her by her younger sister’s first name.

Put Another Log On The Fire

22

Just get yourself free.

23

Seriously, just hop on the bus, Gus.

24

Just up and leave, Steve.

25

Stop responding to texts. Sadly that is the new method I’ve both used and had used on me.

26

Tell him/her you don’t know how you’re going to live without him/her but starting immediately you’re going to try.

Oh, and drop off the key, Lee.

27

In my day, you just sat down with the person and said, “This just isn’t working” and go on from there. It was the only honest way to do it.

28

Just don’t send the text, Tex.

29

There’s the Sam Kinnison recommended method: quit your job, laze around the house drunk all day, do tremendous amounts of coke, until she can’t take it anymore and bolts. That way, SHE FEELS GUILTY FOR LEAVING YOU WHEN YOU NEED HER MOST! AAAAHHHHH!!!

30

Get yourself thrown in jail.

Or pretend to get yourself thrown in jail for some horrible crime they find they most revolting. Then just have all your friends and relatives cover for you for the rest of your lives. Easy Peasy.

31

It’s not you, it’s me.

I was born to ramble, and it’s time to ramble on!

32

Do it while playing the banjo!

Ramblin ramblin ramblin