Yet another romantic advice question. (Sick of these yet?)

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, recently I provoked the “I just want to be friends” speech out of a woman I really like “that” way. Familiar story to most guys, I’m sure.

No, I’m not here to ask what I can do to get her back. I am pretty sure everyone agrees there isn’t anything that can be done there.

What I do want to ask, however, is your opinions on what, if anything, I could have or should done differently during the breakup and post-breakup time.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell the story as I saw it… (Remember, this is just MY version.)

First met this girl through friends. First time I heard of her she was looking for some directions on how to make the igniter circuit for a potato cannon. (My kinda woman!) So I downloaded some directions off the net and handed them over. Didn’t see hide or hair of her for a long time, several months at least.

Fast-forward to about four or five weeks ago. My friend was having a card game at her place, since she’d fallen into that social group. Nothing happened that night, but we did start hanging out together. I took her roommate climbing with another friend of mine. I loaned her some books. We had dinner and drove around the city talking. Hung out in her backyard with a big group of friends and had a barbeque one weekend. All in all, pretty intense socialization by my rather lax computer geek standards for about three weeks running.

One fateful Tuesday night she came over to my place, trying to avoid someone else she didn’t want to see, and
we sat around and talked, played video games, etc. She was wearing a skimpy sun dress (it was HOT that day) that fell down around her shoulders showing her bra straps. I didn’t make a move - she had been giving some fairly clear signals that she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, so I stayed away. But I didn’t sleep well that night. She had given me an eyeful and her perfume lingered in my little apartment.

Thursday night, me, her, my friend and his girlfriend went out clubbing. Not much to report, really. Hit several clubs. Not a lot of intense dancing going on, just a lot of friendly stuff.

By this time I have the hots for this girl. BAD. Hard to define why, exactly, but essentially she was the coolest woman I had ever known. She took no shit from anyone, was exceptionly honest and straightforward, and just basically a really nice and good person. And pretty, natch. And smart. Anyway, at that point I thought I just had a crush on her. (Now looking back, now I’m not so sure. The feelings still run pretty deep.)

Anyway, you can probably hear the fall coming…

Thursday night after the last club closed, she took off with someone she had met at the club. He was some 6’3" rugby player. (She plays rugby - learned it while spending a year in Germany. Unusual girl, I’ll admit.) Turns out she was just trying to find some time to talk with a friend of this guy, also my friend, Eric. That’s why she didn’t get a ride home with us. But I didn’t know that at the time.

Well, I didn’t sleep at all Thursday night. Seeing her walk away with another guy was quite literally the worst thing I’d ever felt in my life. I lay awake in bed all night, not able to sleep. I finally dozed off about 5am,
only to awaken at 7 and not be able to get back to sleep again.

So on Friday, I essentially realized I was in love with this girl, and hard. So I called her up and said, “Can
I come over later.” About, eh, 5ish I went over and
said “Can we talk?” So we sat down on the front porch,
and I told her I liked her, and in a lot more than a
friendly way, and I didn’t know if this was marriage
and kids serious, but definitely more than friendly. And
I wanted to get it out on the table. And how did she feel?

She said she had kinda thought this might be coming. She
said she was bummed because she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend right now. She expressed frustration and asked
“Why me, why now?” To which I could only answer “Availability. Because here you are right now.” (I
learned the folly of this half-witted answer later.)
She said if I was serious about this, ask her again in
6 months. She said she hoped this wouldn’t mean we can’t hang out any more. Told me I was the “most unique” person she knew. At this point I told her she was damning me
with faint praise, said goodbye, and walked off.
So, there was a fair bit of fallout after that. A
lot of friends telling me that I really should try and
“just be friends” with her. Reasons varied; I’ll get to that in a minute. So, I examined my feeling fairly carefully and decided that with the way I felt about here, I was pretty sure I could not “just be friends”. I felt my reaction on
Thursday night had pretty much shown what happened when
she even appeared to be walking off with another guy. And
trying to just be friends and maybe seeing her with another guy for real would probably be enough to make me swallow the barrels and pull the trigger.

So I pretty much communicated same sentiment to several
people. Many of my friends (all male but one) said, for various reasons (“she really needs friends right now”, “she’s coming off bad relationships”, “you can surely handle the pain”) that I should try and be her friend.

But I’ve held firm. And it’s hurting everyone, even me. I really do enjoy her company immensely. I really enjoyed that three week summer romance, and I was looking forward to a lot more. But I really do feel like I truly will drive myself to complete mental breakdown if I try and just be friends.

So, naturally, she’s mad at me. Her summation of the situation is “I’m not giving you what you want, so you’re going to kick me.” And that’s fair in some ways, not so fair in others. And, I should say, she has every right to be angry with me. But I just feel like… I can’t do this. You know, insert that whole goddamn stupid speech that Holden gives Alyssa when they’re coming back from the Diner from Chasing Amy here. And I don’t like what I’ve done, and it hurts me, and I know it hurts her. But I don’t see any alternative.

I don’t hate her, and I don’t want to cut her off completely. We can still see each other at friend’s parties. We can still travel in the same social circles. But I can’t hang out with her. I can’t do stuff with her. Not without going crazy. One more night like Tuesday, where she’s laying scantily clad on the couch, smelling good, and looking like a million bucks, and I could well be in jail for sexual assault. I’m not kidding. This girl pushes all of my buttons, all at once. And I feel like I can’t “just be friends.” It would tear me apart.

So that’s where I’m at. And I hate it. And it’s hurting me, and hurting her. And I can’t see any other way out except to do what I’m doing.

So, any comments? Anything I could have/should have done differently? Anyone see any kind of happy resolution to this situation?
Sorry for the long boring post. I know it sounds a lot more interesting from behind this particular keyboard than it really is.

      -Ben
2

Yea, that sucks.

I see both sides. I know it has to drive you nuts, but you’re hurting her and that can’t really be worth it either.

She does need time to heal off of the old relationships. She can’t give you what you want.

Say some of this to her. You obvoiously care about her, but she may not know that. She just knows she’s getting ignored because she won’t date/go out/whatever you. Shes a good person and she doesn’t deserve to be dropped like a brick.

Don’t puch yourself to the breaking point trying to hide what you feel. But do explain why not being with her will drive you crazy. And apologize. You don’t mean it, but that was pretty harsh of you. (not your fault, but still, she didn’t need that now, not even one tiny bit.)

3

Well, first off, anybody who’d say “most unique” can’t be perfect. She still sounds terrific, though.

So, what are the possibilities here?

  1. She’s really not looking for a boyfriend. If she goes out with other guys, nothing’s happening. She’s hanging out with friends and having a good time. Nothing to get jealous over. If you truly care about this woman, this is a good thing. They’re all saying she’s getting over bad mojo, so let her get over it. Six months isn’t that long to wait.

  2. She’s kind of interested in looking for a boyfriend, but you’re not it. Yet. So she goes out with other guys. Something might be happening. Might not be. Still, you’re on shaky grounds getting territorial over something that isn’t your territory. “Ask me in 6 months” means you made an impression. It sounds like she’s fairly new to the social group and might be examining all the prospects. She might be back in six months, she might be back tomorrow.

  3. She’s looking for a boyfriend. You’re not it. Period. Which makes the “ask me in 6 months” line kinda lame.

4

If there is a little spark there, you’ll make a much better impression by being her friend instead of acting like a big jealous, possessive baby. (I’m not saying you are; I don’t know you that well. Just saying that that wouldn’t make a good impression on her.)

5

First, sympathy.
At least you’ve met someone - some of us haven’t. As the poet didn’t say “it is better to have lusted and lost, than never to have lusted at all.”

Second, it seems clear that the right thing to do now is to hang out with her just as a friend. She’s behaved well - which, frustratingly, makes her more desirable. But there are two important points:

  • if you can’t handle your ‘jealous’ feelings now, how well will a relationship go?

  • even if it doesn’t work out, at least you’ve got better at relating to women.

Hope this helps.

6

Personally, I wouldn’t go out of my way for this girl and I wouldn’t promise to wait 6 months for her either. If she’s telling you to, “ask me again in 6 months” I think she’s really saying, “If nobody better has come along in 6 months I’ll settle for you.” She sounds like a great person and lots of fun to be with but if it’s going to make you nuts to be around her and not “be with her,” then don’t put yourself through that. You may have been a little harsh towards her but I think you had a right to be. If she really wanted to be in a relationship with you, she’d dive in and go for it. How long has she been out of this “bad relationship” she’s getting over? If it’s been over for 2-4 months then she’s just using it as an excuse. I say to go ahead and continue to be friends with her but don’t quit eyeing other woman. You never know, you may meet someone else during this waiting period who makes you feel the same way as this girl… but this one may return your affections.