Do you know someone that yells? How do you deal with it?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Very few people in the world take criticism well, or take owning up to their own weaknesses and misdeeds well. Your husband is probably feeling very defensive (I know I would in the same situation). Do you talk with him, and reassure him that you’re not trying to make him the bad guy, that you are just trying to make your marriage better? I don’t think you can reassure him too much at this point. Maybe this is what Dr. Phil is always talking about, when he says you have to give to get in a marriage (to paraphrase). If you can find ways to really support your husband now, maybe he will find ways to work on his weaknesses for you, if he feels safe.

Which is not to say that it’s your responsibility to fix everything. I’m just hoping to give you some perspective on what might be going on with him, that is causing him to drag his feet here and make untrue accusations.

Regarding your daughter - I have a feeling (based on not knowing any of you at all :slight_smile: ) that she will come around as you start to expect better treatment from people around you. I hope so, anyway. I’m pulling for all of you; if you have an 80% good marriage, with 20% bad, I hope you can work on that last 20% and not have to give up the other 80%.

82

I agree about needing to expect better treatment. I’m working on asserting myself there. My mom irritated me when I was 17 too, but I came around as I got older. Normally the mother/daughter thing wouldn’t be as big of a deal, but throw in marriage issues and it weighs on me.

I called the marriage counselor this afternoon and made another appointment. I told him I wasn’t sure if there would be just me or not. He was encouraging and seemed rather puzzled by some of my husband’s behavior during our sessions. I’m sure we’ll talk more about that this week.

Hanging in there through therapy is proving to be harder than I had anticipated. I’ll post again after the next session.

83

purple haze, I’ve been to therapy, and yes, it’s painful and frustrating - and often so very necessary to save yourself in whatever way you need saving. If you didn’t feel anything negative at all, I’d be worried that nothing was getting addressed. It’s unfortunate that your husband is getting defensive about his own role, but I’m confident that the therapist will be dealing with that as well.

Regarding your daughter - between teenage rebellion and seeing a need to “side” with your husband lest she become a target of that rage too, I think she’s being as normal as she can be in this situation.

84

I’ve been working on asserting myself, period, for the last couple of years (after being raised by a dad who yelled a lot). It’s a very hard thing to do, but I think it’s worth it. I had a success just last week - my sister took a cell call while we were out for dinner, and proceeded to talk for longer than I consider polite while someone else is waiting for you. I agonized over mentioning it to her (because it really wasn’t that big a deal), but it did make me upset, and I do have the right to tell people when they upset me, so I did. It was no problem at all - I felt really good for having stood up for myself. So yeah, keep at it - self-improvement is not a waste.

85

Good! I hope your husband will keep going with you. Perhaps he will, if for no reason other than that he wants to be there to hear what you are going to say about him to the therapist.

Best wishes.

86

Any updates? Good, bad, indifferent?

87

Wondering how you’re doing, purple haze.

88

Yoo hoo? I need un update!

89

In that case imho, your response (and possible action) should be “Well, when you can behave like a grownup I’ll be back. You have no right to treat me this way”.

Then leave. Physically leave the house if you need to. The “…now deal with it” aspect of his behaviour is beyond unacceptable, it’s verbal abuse. And the fact that he gets in your face and shakes his finger and all is pure intimidation tactics.

Make it stick. In fact, if in any discussion he starts to get loud, stop him in his tracks. Calmly ask “are we going to have a discussion or not? If you continue to abuse me, I will leave”.

One of two things will happen. Either he will eventually learn to control himself, or it may escalate upon losing his favorite verbal punching bag. I know you said no “D” word discussion, but the first and foremost issue of importance here is your safety and well-being. And with a person like that, one with such hostility, you may need to consider or at least keep that open as a possible option if things don’t improve.

I’ve been there. It’s NOT worth it to have someone treating you this way. It’s like to old joke about hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, because it feels so good when you stop. You have no idea how much peace and just plain normal life you regain after life with someone like this.

90

How much more clear than:

[quote]
He gets right in my face, points his finger in my face (I really hate that) and yells as loud as he can./

[quote]

…does she need to get?

91

There is nothing wrong with who you are. You both work, it’s neither fair nor logical for him to expect a Stepford Wife in this day and age.

And while we’re on the subject, my mom was a SAHM until my sister and I were in Jr and Sr HS (I’m the oldest), and my dad STILL helped out a bit around the house.

The whole “you’re not a good enough wife” excuse is BS. (sorry I was a day late and a dollar short to this thread), but as I said in my previous post “I’ve been there”. Trust me, you could be Martha Stewart, Linda Lovelace and June Cleaver all rolled into one and he’d still find something to rage about.

Hang in there, best wishes that the therapy turns the trick and helps him with his issues (and you in dealing with them).

92

Whoops, I forgot to mention that I’m 47, so when my mom was a stay at home mom, they were sort of expected to be THE chief cooks and bottle washers, and dads to kick back and read a paper while wifey gets the pipe and slippers.

93

Sweetie, I’m responding to this thread in public because I can’ t send you an e-mail.

I’m married to the SAME GUY. When he yells, spittle flys from his mouth. He stands over me, and at a foot taller, it’s very intimidating.

He too wants me to lose weight, be happier, and make him happy as well. But I’m figuring out that I can never be all these things to his satisfaction. I can’t be happy when I’m never sure what will set him off next.

I’ve tried therapy, talking, leaving him for days, yelling back, refusing to continue the same arguments… No luck.

I’ve told him how much his yelling hurts me, but it never changes. I’m starting to see this as a huge lack of respect for me. I’m also starting to see it’s NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.

He hides his rage (and it’s RAGE) well from others, but it does slip through. When I leave him, and it’s starting to look like that’s what I have to do, people in our shared life will understand.

You can’t live with some like that and be comfortable. You can never let your guard down. And when it escalates to hitting, and it will, you must protect yourself.

Please, don’t do what I have done. Don’t minimize the way this makes you feel. Don’t cover your hurt and hide it from others who care about you. I’m isolated, and it’s my own fault.

Go to therapy by yourself. Let them know how this makes you feel. Know that things can escalate quickly, and with little warning. Know that someday, you will have to make the same choices I am now facing. :frowning:

Be strong sister. We don’t deserve to be treated like this. No one does. And when he tries to belittle you in anyway for just being your own lovable self, you remember me. And know that I said “ENOUGH!”

Love and hugs your way… Lola

94

Lola, that was beautiful. Blessings on you.

95

I have family that does this (in your face yelling), finally I came up with a solution - if you’re ever angry at me, yell all you want, but you MUST do it from across the room, while sitting. If the yeller refuses to agree to those terms then you tell them you refuse to engage them.

96

I wish I could hug you. You were me about 15 years ago. My ex wasn’t a “yeller”. Instead he was the king of verbal/psychological abuse. Every insult, putdown and evil thing he could think of.

Nothing I ever did was good enough. Trust me. You could have that house spic and span (and I did, AND was the only one working), and he’d still find a million things to take you apart over.

I agree, you’re not perfect. No one is. But the issues with the relationship have nothing to do with who is or is not being “perfect”. A person with that sort of control and anger issues would find something to be angry about regardless. And it’s obvious that you are willing and able to change and to do something about the problem. From what you say of your second session, it seems that he’s either trying to figure out a way out of it, or find a way to lay the whole enchildada in your lap, like “here, FIX me”.

As someone else said, maybe at first you should try separate sessions?

97

Speak in a calm unaffected voice. Your kids are already imprinted with the behavior of Dad and hopefully will see how awful it is to scream and yell like that.

Not shouting back is always the first step.

98

Sorry if I’m resurrecting a ghost here - I was just reading this thread over again and thought I’d update. Things are going OK now and there hasn’t been any yelling or terrible arguments for a couple of months. I’m hoping that it will never happen again. That doesn’t seem realistic, but it’s my hope.

I don’t want our kids to see this as a model for future behavior.

I’ve decided to go back to school and complete my degree. If I’m going to be working 40 hours a week, I may as well get paid better for it than I do right now. We do OK, but things could be so much better.

I still want to see a marriage counselor. We only went twice, which wasn’t much help. It would be good to go when things are going smoothly, instead of as a desperation move when I’m at the end of my rope.

Last time we were mad at each other (last weekend) it was really just a misunderstanding. We worked it out OK, and he didn’t raise his voice to me.

Thinking back, I remember quite a few conversations I used to have with his dad when we lived nearby and visited often. He would tell me a story of something that happened in the past, and it was like he was back in the moment - he would raise his voice and get really upset as if it was 5 minutes ago instead of 20 years ago. Once when he was helping my husband install a door I was amazed at how FIL yelled at my husband and lost his temper in general. It made a lot of things very clear to me. My husband and I stopped doing projects around the house together years ago because he would really get upset and holler at me. After a while, I refused to put myself through that nonsense.

So far so good.

99

I’m glad to hear that things have improved. Don’t accept any backsliding, and even if it’s just you going to therapy, I know that at least it’ll help you and how you react in interactions with him. Best of luck.

100

I’m so glad you checked back in - I’ve been wondering how you were doing. I’m glad to hear things are a bit better! A side benefit of going back to school; a lot of schools have counseling centers. Your husband may not go, but you can!