I know this isn’t a huggy forum, but consider yourself hugged. Don’t beat up on yourself.
I know it seems like the therapy is one sided, but give it time. By letting him ‘go first’ at least he’s interested in going back.
I don’t want to get personal and ask about finances, but would it be possible to have someone come in and do a little cleaning a day or two a week? It’s hard working full time with kids and also doing housework.
I’m glad you posted again. I’ve been wondering if you were ok. 
I think the advice to raise your own issues seems sensible. Your husband needs to raise his issues but so do you. Remaining silent in therapy is a bit like putting up with being yelled at.
Good luck.
I imagine your therapist will want to hear more from you in the next session. He needs to know both people, both sides of the story.
I have a husband who doesn’t contribute to much around the house, either. It pisses me off, but he does do other things that make me somewhat less pissed. It’s a partnership, and that partnership can take many forms. I can tell you right now that no therapist worth his salt will say that your husband is justified in terrorizing you, no matter how messy or scatterbrained you are.
It sounds like you had a good first session. I wish you luck over the next few months.
Good for both of you for going. Your therapist (as Kalhoun mentioned) is no dummy - he’s reading between the lines for all your husband is saying and you aren’t saying. He will get the whole picture, probably in the least threatening way for your husband. And like others have said, if it wasn’t the housecleaning that is the “issue,” it would have been something else (you don’t hang the toilet paper the right way - whatever).
Your husband does sound very sad and scared to me. I hope that he gets a lot out of this counselling, too - he needs to learn better ways to act so that he can have a better life, too.
Over time, I expect the therapist will be sure you both get the chance to express yourselves fully, and the therapist won’t allow your husband to yell at you when he gets upset at something you say. It will be hard, and there may be times when you feel like it would have been easier to just keep on living with the status quo, but in the long run, this could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your marriage or yourself. Congratulations for a good beginning!
I also think that yelling all the time can be habit-forming without actually being meant as threatening (even though it still feels that way). Talking about hot-button issues in front of someone else forces a more calm approach to problem-solving. If you get enough sessions in, it just might become second nature just by virtue of the repetition.
One thing that came immediately to my mind when I read this thread: is there any possibility that your husband might be clinically depressed?
I ask this because I used to have a similar situation–my spouse, who is usually the kindest, coolest guy around, used to go through these episodes where he’d get combative, touchy, he’d pick fights, and he would try to win by yelling at the top of his voice and saying some very hurtful things. It didn’t happen very often so I just wrote it off because he was so great the rest of the time and we were so compatible, but it started to escalate to the point where we had a really bad fight about 10 years ago and I was starting to think maybe I should cut my losses and call it quits. Fortunately, a good friend of his was experiencing the same thing with her husband and she mentioned that it might be depression. He went for treatment, got some meds, and these days things are 1000% better. We still have fights occasionally and he still yells sometimes, but it’s much less frequent and now that I can see where it’s coming from, I can put up with it more (and he can stop it faster).
It was truly weird, though–like he’s a different person when he gets like that. His face changes, his voice changes, he has pet phrases that he never uses except when he’s like that. We call it “butthead momentum”–the feeling that one is on a speeding train, can see where it’s going, but is powerless to get off until it stops. Scary, but understandable when you know it’s there.
One thing I learned that I’d never known before: depression sometimes manifests itself (particularly in men) as anger rather than in sadness or lethargy.
It’s worth checking into if this sounds at all familiar to you. And if it does and you want somebody to talk to about it, please feel free to email me. I’ll even bet that the spouse would be willing to talk about his side of it. Good luck, in any case. I hope your counseling goes well.
Depression seems like a possibility.
I can’t express strongly enough that this has a big impact on your kids. Ask him how he wants his kids to remember their childhood. If he doesn’t change, 20 years from now your kids will be posting on a message board about how unhappy their childhood was because of their father’s temper tantrums.
Congrats to you, purple haze, and best of luck with your therapy. It’s a bold, brave step that you’re both taking. My husband and I went to couples therapy a few years ago and it saved our marriage. But there’s one thing I want to tell you just so you’re not blindsided by it:
It might get a whole lot worse before it gets better.
Here’s the analogy. You’ve both been cramming stuff away in an emotional “closet”, not dealing with it for however many years. What couples therapy does, imo, is it opens that closet door and you both get Fibber McGeed with all the crap falling on your heads. You both sit there dazed and overwhelmed. “Look at this horrible mess!,” you’ll cry.
So, the question is, do you do the slow, hard work of picking up the pieces and getting the closet back in order or do you move out of the house?
I hope this analogy works. My husband and I actually separated for two painful months because we were so blown away by what appeared to be a horrible mess. But we kept at it and now we’re stronger for it. It’s hard work, and I hope it works out good for you whatever the eventual outcome.
That’s a really good point. I think this often happens when people start dealing with things, instead of trying to ignore them. Even if it does get worse before it gets better, that’s good, because it’s part of the road out of the dysfunction. You’ll be going in the right direction - does that make sense?
Well.
Yesterday was our second session and it didn’t go well. My husband said that he’s been thinking about it and feels that I’m the one with the problem, not him. I’m the one that needs therapy. This was during the same session that I mentioned feeling like everything is my fault and he said he doesn’t know where I would get that from.
Things are pretty bad right now.
We’re not even on different pages here - I think we’re not even reading the same book!
He seems to feel that my goal here is to get someone else to agree with me about his temper when we argue, and to get him to change. I said that my goal is to try something different because what we’re doing right now isn’t working. It is true that I can’t take the yelling anymore and I want that to change, yes. But there are other things to talk about also that BOTH OF US need to work on. I’m not perfect by a long shot, not even close. I’m the one trying to work things out and I can see when we need help. It’s not my plan to ‘gang up’ on him.
I get the picture that he feels that he is just fine how he is, I’m the one with the problem, and if I changed everything would be fine. Sheesh.
Now what?
Thanks to Girl Next Door and featherlou for picking up on the fact that things will get worse before they get better. I’m there right now.
Keep going to therapy.
By saying that you have a problem he gets to make you feel doubtful and insecure so that you will stop doing something he feels threatened by. If you keep patient with therapy you *will * get to use it as an effective means of communication. Right now he’s just trying to hide from having to deal with his behaviour and his feelings about that behaviour and how he is towards you.
Others have suggested doing single sessions with the therapist and then coming back together as a couple (with the therapist) to discuss issues raised. Is this a possibility you could explore? It may give you the needed release of putting your views across without having your husband try to undermine you and will also give your therapist a better idea of what’s going on.
That’s really up to you. If he won’t change, you have only two options: 1) divorce, or 2) accept the way he treats you.
I can’t say more about this, because your situation is far too much like the one I grew up in for me to be objective in any advice to you.
That said, I would continue to make therapy appointments for now. Maybe he will continue to go with you, despite what he says.
Have you talked to the therapist yet about the “screaming at you and not caring how you feel about it” part?
Please do continue going, even if you have to schedule separate appointments just for yourself in addition to the couples appointments. If you can get to a point where you’re stronger and feeling better, that’s so important.
I’m not surprised your husband is reacting that way. I suspect he’s probably in denial/feeling very defensive (even guilty?) about his part in this, and is trying to preserve his position in this. Hang in there.
Oh, and even if you do end up getting divorced, that doesn’t mean counseling was a failure - and it certainly doesn’t mean you failed.
How’s it going, purple haze? Thinking 'bout you.
I have been too. I hope you will come back and tell us how things are going.
I feel sad. Our daughter seems so distant from me as well. When we are all together she has a very definite preference for her father. She is 17.
Sometimes I feel that whatever I do is wrong, somehow. I guess I’m just having doubts about who I am and how I am.
Going to work is a welcome relief lately.
My husband knows I’m sad. He’s been nice to me lately but it’s just not the same. I don’t feel the same. When he said to the marriage counselor how things were my problem and he had no problems or need to address them, it really, really stung.
Between my daughter and my husband I feel… unwanted somehow.
I’ve been lurking and wondering how it was going. I “had” a yeller also. (we split up this past year.) However, all problems go deeper and it seems you are figuring that out. Remember that your daughter is at the annoying teenage age that she is supposed to be rebelling from authority. Perhaps you did it, I know I did. My mother could do nothing right and I was going to be nothing like her. Hmmm…but I digress.
If your hubby will keep going, continue the counseling. It didn’t work for me because by the time we went, my heart was hardened by all the terrible things and it couldn’t be saved. I do have friends that therapy rekindled their love and marriage. Keep a good thought. Good luck.
Sounds to me like things are going as expected. If you have a good therapist, which it seems you do, they will spend several sessions drawing you both out, maybe even let one of you dominate for awhile. There’s a method to this madness. Hang in there, things will become clearer as you go on.
Are you still going to the marriage counselor?
Whether you are or not, I think you sound like you could really benefit from finding a good individual therapist. Your husband isn’t right about you being the only one who needs to change, but I think you would find it helpful to see someone who is on “your side,” who can help you decide what you need to do to make your life better, including strategies for dealing with your husband and your daughter. My therapist helped me through some very difficult times, when I had to make tough decisions about changing my life.
Best wishes.