Do you know someone that yells? How do you deal with it?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

My SO’s a yeller too–I know he can control it because he mostly does, but sometimes he just loses it and yells and yells and yells. It’s almost funny because I can just about repeat along with him, word for word as he goes off–it’s like it almost doesn’t have any real relationship to what’s actually happening in the world around him. It’s like he has this track in his head and the choo choo takes off and round and round it goes, stopping at the same places and tooting the horn in rhythm…

I have to actually leave the house when he goes off because if I’m anywhere near he will just keep going and going with absolutely no input from me. Top of his lungs, for HOURS. This really annoys me, because it’s MY GODDAMNED HOUSE.

I’ve considered the video camera thing–I have a phone that does video and I think I’m going to record one of the rants someday so I can just burn it onto a DVD and run it on constant loop whenever he goes off so he can see how stupid he looks and sounds.

I’ve also considered giving him a face full of pepper spray to chill his shit out. I bet it’s really tough to keep screaming with a snootfull of owie…

So yeah, good luck with the counsellor–if you can get him to go with you. Even if he doesn’t, it’ll make you feel better about the situation and maybe you’ll get to the point where you’ll just pack it up and move it along. I’ve done that a couple of times, and right now I’m at the point where if Himself goes off at me one more time he’s going to find all his shit on the front porch and the locks changed AGAIN. You’d think he’d learn by now that my patience has limits, but I suppose the ability of the human male to fool himself about the capabilities of the human female is limitless. :rolleyes:

Oh, and don’t discount the physical thing–SO tried that a couple of times but he definitely came out the worse from the interaction. I have berserkers in my lineage, I suspect, and when I get pissed and am pushed to fighting physically I don’t stop until hospitalization is a good idea. If you are less tough than I you don’t wanna be there when he decides to escalate to bigger and funner forms of intimidation. If you can’t mount a scorched earth response you don’t want to go down that road.

42

Keep the appointment - even if your husband refuses to go. The counselor can help you deal with this, although it will be best if you both go. But don’t let his refusal stop you from going.

43

purplehaze, that was a brave step and I wish you much success with this.

44

Good for you!

One word of warning: therapy only works if the person(s) getting therapy make an honest and candid effort. When a person feels forced into a therapy session, it’s really common for them to get defensive, to clam up, and to even be disingenuous and try to manipulate the direction of the therapy away from the issues that would require them to face harsh truths about themselves. It’s a defense mechanism.

At a couple of points in my life, my parents were told that they should attend therapy sessions with me. (I’m bipolar and was hospitalized a few times.) Neither one of them wanted to be there because of the fear of being judged–something you say your husband has a problem with. Dad monopolized the whole session narrating his (white-washed, self-serving) version of his personal history, so as to keep the conversation off of subjects he knew would involve criticism of his actions.

Your therapist will have ideas about how to handle this, but I’m saying, be prepared to walk out of that first session feeling disappointed. You’ll feel you didn’t get to say everything you wanted to say, and my guess is you will be disappointed in your husband’s lack of willingness to participate (though he may surprise you). Don’t let it stop you from going back. It takes at least several sessions to get a meaningful result from therapy. And if you continue to insist on going, your husband may become less afraid of judgment and more willing to participate. Learning that it is safe to be candid in therapy takes most people awhile to accept.

Best of luck tomorrow!

45

My parents, especially my father, yell constantly, about everything. They’re nice people but any disagreement, ANY offense, and the shouting begins.

I didn’t really realize until recently how much it affected me, but having a baby sure opened my eyes. I was like “Jesus, I don’t want this around my kid.”

Thankfully, I didn’t seem to pick this habit up. In our household we do not raise our voices in anger.

46

I was thinking about you this afternoon and hoping you’re doing all right. I’m relieved and happy that you had the courage to take action. Congratulations for taking that first step!

47

When people yell at me (and if my own blood pressure manages to stay within tolerable levels), I say “you’re yelling”.

That’s the only thing I say until they stop yelling. I don’t say it again and again and again (that would get on my nerves big time if someone did it to me), but I make it clear that there will not be another response until they Stop Yelling.

I once had a boss who yelled, got in people’s faces (I’ve been closer to her than to some of my dance partners), shook her finger so close to the nose of whomever she was yelling at that it’s a wonder you didn’t get fingerprints on your retinas… the one time she started doing it to me in front of two dozen other workers and I just said “you’re yelling” and pushed her finger to the side ended up being pretty funny. The other people were still looking away (as usual) but you could see some of them shaking with laughter. I’m told it’s one of the few times anybody has managed to beat that bitch.

48

haze, print this one out. And as you already have noticed, no zingers either. Best wishes.

49

Good job, purple haze. I hope the counselling works out for both of you, because I don’t think your husband is very happy, either. If he doesn’t want to work on his own issues, please still keep going to a counsellor yourself. One of you learning to break your old patterns is better than neither of you learning.

One more note - the counsellor should be good, helpful, and challenging. If this counsellor doesn’t fill these requirements, don’t be afraid to look for a different one. You don’t have to particularly like your counsellor, but they should be helping you.

50

Just wondering how things went. Let us know - we’re concerned.

51

That’s an excellent idea. Oprah or one of the daytime shows had a show about screamers. It was horrible to watch and horrible to see what it did to everyone around him/her, especially the children.

Nothing is worse for kids than listening to parents fight. Don’t participate in it. Walk away. Go in your room and lock the door. Put the kids in the car and go to McDonalds. No one should be subjected to that. Don’t participate or subject yourself or your kids to that.

I had a son and got divorced. We never argued, called names or screamed in front of him, ever.

52

Any updates, purple haze? You okay?

53

Yeah, given the topic here, could you please come tell us how you’re doing? We worry, you know.

(We need a function on computers that makes them ring like a phone - we could call Purple Haze and ask her if it’s all going alright.)

54

I’ve been lurking on this thread with a lot of sympathetic interest, and right I would really like to see **Purple Haze ** chime in…

55

Bumping for an update… You ok?

56

I worked until 5:00 Thursday and headed home. When I walked in the door around 5:30 my husband was in his PJ’s, eating. I took one look and figured that he had no intention of joining me. I said “Our appointment is at 5:50. Are you coming with me?” I wanted to get across to him that I was going with or without him. He stared at me in silence for a minute and said “You know I don’t agree with this.” I told him that I wasn’t thrilled with the idea either but thought we needed to give it a try. To my surprise he said “Fine, but don’t expect me to do much talking.”

Whew!

It was a comfortable room painted a horrible shade of bile green. There was a box of Kleenex on the floor next to our chairs. The therapist was an older man, kind and soft-spoken. I felt comfortable with him right away. He began our session by asking a few easily answered questions; how old were we, kids, how long married, and so on. He wanted to know what issues we were dealing with. It just kind of snowballed from there.

My husband ended up doing most of the talking. He really opened up about a lot that he had been thinking and feeling. None of it was surprising to me. In a nutshell, he feels that I don’t do much around the house. In fact, that’s what we usually argue about - how messy the house is. He feels that I’m not contributing my share. I disagree. It seems to me like he wants a gal just like mom. The fact is, this is 2006, not 1956. I work 40 hours, just like he does. The very things I don’t do, he doesn’t either. So, it’s OK for him to not pay the bills because it’s MY job. It’s not OK for me to not want to do that. But, I’m getting off the subject here. I bit my tongue and just let him get it all out. I figured there would be time to work all of that out later - the main point was to let him express himself.

He did admit to having “a little bit” of a temper. Again I just listened and let him say what he felt. Sometimes the therapist would draw him out when he hesitated by saying things like “You seem sad right now. Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling right now?”

Someone posted that this first session would feel very unsatisfying. It was. There was so much more left unsaid. One thing that happened is that I felt sad myself. My husband is very unhappy with me and what he sees as my failure to be ‘a good wife’. I want him to love me for me, not what I do around the house. I don’t love him any less for not making much money. Why would he love me any less for not being Martha Stewart?

I’m rambling again. One good thing about this forum is that I can’t tell any of my friends or family members about this. It’s just too private. I can tell all of you, and you care. I hope.

The time was up before we knew it and the therapist said “Do you want to come back?” I didn’t say a word. My husband said “Yeah.”

Our next session is Wednesday. We were told that it takes up to 12 weeks to see results. I have a feeling that unearthing things that have been under the surface won’t be fun. It will be painful and hurtful and difficult.

I know one thing - I’m tired of feeling that how I am is wrong. I didn’t realize how worn down I am from always feeling like I’m being silently criticized for being messy, sometimes late, scatterbrained me.

So - warning - crossroads ahead! Either we work it out or we don’t, but I can’t deal with this silent condemnation of who I am, the yelling at me and sometimes the kids, and more for much longer.

He has his side of the story too. I’m not perfect - I will readily admit to not being very tidy, etc. The problem is that when we argue, it turns into being all about me and how much I suck, basically.

Who needs that?

57

I’m glad to hear he went with you. I’m sorry things don’t seem very bright right now. I hope you can work things out.

58

That sounded really productive, purple haze, and I’m glad that your husband did go along and open up to the counsellor. Things may seem a bit down for you now, but you’ve both drawn a line at your husband’s unacceptable behaviour, and the problems are being aired openly and maturely now, which offers more of a chance of a solution than shouting and hostility did.

This won’t be an easy ride for you, but you deserve all the kudos in the world for having the courage to take a stand against your husband’s behaviour and trying to work for a mature solution. You ought to be very proud of what you’re doing - both for yourself and, whether he realises it or not, your husband. Let’s hope he has the sense to realise your worth as both a person and a wife. Chin up, and big hugs - we’re cheering for you.

59

Therapy hurts, definitely; you’re digging up stuff that was buried. But if you keep at it, there will be benefit, really.

Don’t let him do all of the talking, of course. A common way of avoiding responsibility in therapy is to get onto unrelated subjects or point fingers. Since the screaming is what spurred you towards this, you should mention it soon, as well as mention his responses to your confronting him about it.

60

One thing you could try is calling the therapist outside of the session and explain that there are some issues you aren’t comfortable bringing up and ask if he could help get those on the table. Or you could ask for wach of you to meet with him by yourselves once and then meet again together after that. Keeping quiet is what you’ve been doing and it hasn’t made things any better. He continues to have the control. I’m speaking from personal experience of many years of a strikingly similar situation. Please feel free to email me (in my profile). Honestly, you could be me 4 years ago with nearly identical issues and I’d be glad to lend an ear or let you know what worked for me. Please don’t believe that anything you do or don’t do causes him to act the way he’s acting. He’s quite likely been acting that way long before you came along and it’s not your fault.