Do you regret getting divorced from your passionless, roommate-like marriage?

In My Humble Opinion
263

I got divorced after being married 29 years. We married in our late teens and had a terrific physical and emotional relationship for many years. Then his late 40s hit and he fell into an abyss of depression that I couldn’t pull him out of.

We didn’t have sex for almost 2 years because his libido collapsed along with his confidence.

And since I am open-minded and an overall cool chick, we dabbled with having an open marriage. I had no interest in anyone else, I was motivated by wanting him to feel better about himself because I loved him. It was mainly me just allowing him to treat his depression with casual sex. I would learn this was a grievous error on my part. We should have found another path to getting him well.

But this actually worked for a time, things improved all the way around within our relationship, and I was fine with him having a side piece because I was still the one getting all the emotional intimacy, plus we were having great sex again (which Sweet Jesus I needed!) and it was so gratifying seeing him happy and confident again. I was assured things were fine because his heart and his head were with me.

That was until…he met someone who began to get the emotional intimacy as well. I was devastated. He started pushing to have a sexless room-mate relationship with me, and I wasn’t having that!

The rules we decided upon going into the whole open-marriage thing was that it would increase passion between he and I, not turn us into roomies.

For a couple of years after we split I couldn’t bear to be around him, I laid on the sofa and cried for about a year. Things blew up with the gal he left me for, and now because we have 2 sons in college and we live in the same town, I do see him, and we have settled into a friendship again. He comes to my house, does nice things for me, we talk about current events and stuff, but nothing personal.

We still have the same easy banter and good conversation we always had. I know he regrets driving our marriage off a cliff, and there are truly days I miss him…but overall he is still pretty broken, and I have gained perspective in the years since our divorce that pretty much all during our marriage I was expending huge amounts of my time and energy trying to fix him, and it has been very nice not having to do that anymore.

I do have regrets, but I think I am happier not being married to him. This way, I get the friendship and don’t have to deal with anything else.

If he could answer for himself, he would say he regrets trying to turn us into room-mates.

Those arrangements can work only if both parties are content with it, and I clearly wasn’t.

264

Reviving this thread after 6 years. Not divorced, but actually married for about 6 months, together for about 7. We’ve lived together for around 5 years.

If I’m being honest with myself, I never felt that spark with her. I felt like she was nice, safe, and a decent woman. She’s pretty and cute, but not sexy to me in general, and sex is boring. She’s expressed many times that she doesn’t really enjoy sex, and never did. She doesn’t touch herself, and she’s rejected me a lot over the years. We would have sex maybe once a month or something. A lot of times it feels like I’m trusting her arm to do it. She also has an apathetic attitude towards a lot of things.

Despite this, we’ve had a steady and pretty happy life together. I do love her and a lot of times like her, and we do just about everything together. I just feel no spark. I’ve been burned in the past, a lot of unreturned feelings and a lot of heartbreak. I figured this is as good as it gets for me. When I met her, I was fatter, didn’t dress as well, and I was early on in my career so I didn’t Have a lot of money. As I progressed in my career I made more, and I hit the gym and lost weight. She also refused to join me in any part of that.

A lingering thought in my head was that I could do better. When I hear the dating horror stories, and the quality of people out there, I felt pretty fortunate to have what I do. After a bit of pressure from her, I proposed and we got married a year later. I never really wanted to, like desired to, but I figured it was a natural step. I’ve been around a ton of marriages that didn’t go well so I’ve always been apprehensive. I didn’t really see myself leaving though I guess. Even through that she mentioned that she felt like we were more like roommates than lovers. She talked about our boring sex life, but we didn’t really get to any real solution.

She has a friend that we’ve been hanging out with who is gorgeous. We’ve gotten pretty close and one day when we were all together she held my hand while we were walking. I thought it felt nice but it wasn’t until later that I realized how’s much I craved that emotional intimacy. It wasn’t like I was being nagged to be affectionate, or to be more affectionate, it was just genuine affection. I am attracted to her as well so it felt right and not forced. I guess I developed a little crush at that point. I know feelings are fleeting and I made a commitment, but that little action made me realize what I was missing, and it made feel terribly guilty and confused. Taking the friend out of the equation, I think there’s a deeper problem, and i don’t know if it can be satisfied in my current relationship.

I don’t know what to do or if I should do anything. I spoke to my wife about it, but omitted the handholding. I don’t want to ruin their friendship either, but I wanted to be honest. I don’t think she really has the hots for me or anything, but I do feel like the situation uncovered a need that is going unfulfilled, and I don’t know if it ever will. She had been sleeping on the couch for weeks, refusing to get in the bed with me. After I told her these things she’s come to bed, and tried to cuddle, but it still doesn’t feel… right.

265

Dr. SW, welcome to the SDMB!

I get the feel that many people have come here through this mega-thread. Your post, like many in this long and sordid serial, makes my heart wring.

I too was once in a roommate-type committed relationship rolling along fine, with a thousand reasons to keep things intact, yet massive deficiencies in intimacy, passion and sex.

I ended it, knowing that it will disrupt many lives for a long time, but I can honestly say we all are better for it now.

I think you really should.

266

Update: divorced, much happier now.

267

I remember this thread! I read it with great interest when I was married. I fit all of the boxes.

I have since gotten divorced, and I am much much happier. My ex, and I are good friends and talk at least once a week I have a wonderful man now that I can enjoy all of the parts of a relationship with and we’re talking about moving in together in the fall.

My vote is to do it

268

Another revitalization, after only two years this time!

I wonder how many people have read this thread and thought, “Hey, that’s me! I should probably consider a divorce.” I’ve been following along since the beginning, and my divorce was finalized a few weeks ago.

Part of the process is moving my ex to the basement, so I won’t feel like celebrating until that’s done, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I first told him I was filing for divorce in late December of 2023.

Our house is small, but with the finished basement, it’s plenty of room for two apartments. I’ll get the upstairs and he’ll get the downstairs, and we’ve just installed a small wall and pocket door so that we can each access the kitchen. Our next step is to have a storage area insulated, drywalled and carpeted for his bedroom.

I’d say I think of him more as a sibling than anything. He’s a good enough guy - just not somebody I want to spend time with. He doesn’t have any family but our adult daughter and me, and he doesn’t do anything or go anywhere. I’m happy to share part of our home with him, continue to manage his health issues and finances, keep celebrating holidays with him at my mom’s house, etc.

All of that could change one day, and I’ll deal with it then, but it feels like this is the best of all worlds.

269

I saw something like this on an episode of Forensic Files. They made the bust after bringing in ground-penetrating radar.

Anyway, hope things work out for you.

270

Laughing out loud at this. Thanks for making my morning!

271

A friend is very open about the fact that she and her husband have been separated for years, but still live together: “Pfft! You think we can afford two apartments?”