We met via the internet, and got married two plus years later (mid-late 30’s). We are nothing more than roommates, and the passion left long ago. We have two little ones, and they take up our time, plus my wife tends to be lazy. She’s also very immature, so I find it hard to have a conversation with her (this is a 50 yr old woman who loves to hear herself belch). Sex life is long out the window (in the past five years, I don’t think we’ve had sex more than three or four times). I’d love to go back in time and have today’s me tell 15 years ago me not to go out with her. Only in it now for the kids (they’re still little, so I want to be around them all that I can).
Have you tried any sort of counseling, individual or otherwise?
Damn … has it really been (almost) five years since I made post #3 in this thread?
For the record, I am just about divorced now, we separated three years ago. I was right on how custody would go down, in that I didn’t get any. (long story, not relevant) I was right that my now ex-wife would get vindictive, but I had no idea how much this process would bring out the worst in both of us. You learn a lot about your partners emotional buttons over the years, and when people get hurt, the urge to hurt them back can be very strong.
But that question on whether I would be happier alone? I think I can state that overall I am much happier now. In the end, it felt like leaving a job that had turned toxic, and there was just a huge sense of relief when it was over. It was a rough road, and not something I would advise doing lightly, but now that I’ve gone down it I don’t regret it.
So with that said, Snoopy … get yourself a lawyer. There is so much contempt and so little respect towards your partner in your post that I honestly don’t think counselling will help. Trust me, I understand wanting to stay in a relationship for the kids, I did it for years. The problem is, in both my experience and others I have witnessed, it usually doesn’t work. What it does is rob you of the chance to take the initiative.
The family court system probably won’t be fair to you, but it’s better than it was. I do know men who have gotten equal custody. First, lawyer up. As much as possible, don’t talk about it to anyone else but your lawyer, unless they say otherwise. Do not talk about it on the internet. Even on a semi-anonymous message board, you are not as anonymous as you think. Remember the golden standard in family court, which is “in the best interest of the children.” Remember the family court system gives no fucks about you. Don’t let that shake you.
You can’t go back in time. You can’t change the last fifteen years. What you can change is the next fifteen.
Interesting thread to read.
My passionless marriage ended in 2010-2011. It was very, very hard to do; we had a little girl, disruption to finances and family, the works.
It’s 2016 and getting divorced was an absolutely critical part of why I am happy today. It’s hard to overstate how important that decision was; had we just lingered, I’d be less happy, less healthy, and less everything good today. After the initial dip, everything about my life improved. My little girl’s doing well, and I’m in a relationship full of passion.
There’s better stuff on the other side.
My ex and I celebrate ten years of divorce next week. We are going out to a nice dinner on our divorce anniversary to celebrate our happier lives and best friendship.
Sounds like my ex. We talk on the phone every morning and she stops by for coffee a couple of times a week. Been divorced 26 years now . Not too happy with my current relationship but no regrets on the divorce either.
Trust me, I’ve thought about it. I don’t like being around her most of the time, and am much happier when it’s just the kids and me (she never goes with us when we do fun things - I use the excuse that we’re letting her get other things done, but it’s really just that I don’t want her with us being angst-ridden over everything). She takes the kids to see her family, and if I’m not with them, then she’s bitchy when she gets home. Her brother thinks that she’s playing the martyr, and I can see that. If the kids are acting up and I’m not there, then I’m getting text messages telling me that they’re driving her nuts. I’m the opposite - even if they’re acting up I don’t let her know that.
I do have a professional relationship with a divorce attorney, and I’ve considered consulting with him. I hate the thought of not seeing the kids all the time, and also how our mutual friends will see the situation (I’m sure to be the bad guy), but I’m also currently miserable - I know that she loves me, but the feeling isn’t reciprocated by me. I honestly don’t care anymore.
My marriage is near sexless (twice this year) and it seems hopeless.
I dont want a divorce.
I have a fantasy that i meet my female equivalent and we fulfill each others needs and both stay married. Is this totally absurd?.
Maybe you could start a match website with this particular niche.
I didn’t catch whether you currently have kids, but if you are thinking about getting divorced, my strong recommendation is DON’T.
If you think your marriage is passionless now, imagine how it will be once she has a child to focus 110% of her attention on.
No, the technical term is “taking on a mistress”. People do that, although I’m not sure how. Not that I’m thinking about doing that, but with both of us working and raising a 2 year old, my wife and I have to have be pretty coordinated in out schedules. Other than constantly pretending to have to “work late” or “go on business trips”, I can’t imagine where I would have time to find and maintain another relationship.
Some people do it though. But usually they seem to be in the sort of relationships where the wife doesn’t (or pretends not to) know or care where their husband goes for long stretches of time.
Oh i dont need advice on my side of things.
Im thinking that my female counterpart is a) much rarer and b) wants a divorce or a passionate full on affair.
So im off to cut my bollocks off with poultry shears.
I wouldn’t wish that on a Zombie, which this thread is… several times over.
If somebody from 2011 is still undecided about whether their marriage is right for them in 2016, I’m baffled.
Shit or Get Off The Divorce Lawyer Already!!!
What an incredibly shitty post. Is it ok with you if new people ask for advice and those of us who have been through this continue to share our experiences?
As has been noted, there are people who are still getting value out of the thread. I’m sorry that that baffles you, but your post amounts to threadshitting. If you want to complain about the thread, take it to the Pit.
New York Times article:
Based on many people with these issues on this thread you could!
No, its not. I’m still hanging in my relationship. I have a new neighbor, attractive, nice guy, super chatty everytime I see him, close in age to me. I think he has some type of relationship, but I’m not interested in disrupting that or mine at this point. I’m thinking of banging him for convenience sake. Just fun… period. If you’re my new neighbor let me know. Hahaha.
Like so many others, I’m relieved to have found this thread. It’s nice to know that others are/were in the same boat. I’d be willing to bet that most of us on this thread place a high degree of importance on physical touch and affection, while not everyone (your spouse?) does.
My story is recognizable by now for those of you reading this: my wife is a great person in general. We have a very comfortable marriage (10+ years) and enjoy doing things together. But I need physical affection and that has been inadequate for a long time. Sex is OK, but it has also dropped off from 2-3 times a week in the beginning to once every 2-3 weeks now. A couple of years ago, my spouse admitted a lack of sexual attraction for me (going back to the beginning of our relationship), which hasn’t helped things. Additionally, she just doesn’t need that much physical contact with me. I used to wonder if she were a lesbian, but I think she just doesn’t crave the touch of another like I do. She admits to the lack of chemistry, but doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Aside from that things were OK, but we had settled into what felt like a roommate situation.
Then I met another woman, and the mutual attraction was off the charts. She awakened emotions in me that I had forgotten I had. I’m old enough (40) to know that the thrill of meeting a new person fades, but…WOW!
Meeting the other woman gave me the courage to go to my wife and tell her that I have felt unfulfilled and wanted more. She immediately thought I wanted to leave, but that’s not really the case. What I want is not “to leave my wife”. What I want is “more physical affection”. Those may end up being the same, but for now we’re working on staying together. We may go see a therapist. I think she might even be open to trying an open marriage, before ending it. At this point, I don’t feel trapped anymore, and we have a way forward. I’m glad for that. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I’m happier now than I have been in a long while.
Thanks OP, for having the courage to ask your question. And thanks to everyone who has posted so far. I’m sure there are many lurkers that are relieved to know they’re not alone either.
This could be my husband writing this, twothreefiveeight. I’m so glad you are happier now than you have been. My husband and I recently (last few days) came to terms with what seems to be a very similar issue. It was straight up misery for the last two months, crying, lamenting the last 20 years and the kids and what we’ve built together. But we know where we stand now and we’re ok and moving forward separated. To me the writing seems to be on the wall - lack of chemistry, and “not attracted” to you means lack of love and lack of sex. My husband thought I’m just not that sexual but the truth is I am, just not for him. There’s not much working on it, get out and save yourselves the misery. That is to say if she can admit she doesn’t love you anymore. Im sorry to be so blunt. Why open relationship? that’ll lead to more hurt. From what I read it usually does but who am I to judge. Let each other go to find happiness. Just my two cents! Good luck.
All I can tell you that he best, most realistic scientific numbers for the amount of sex in established Dutch marriages is once a week. You’re doing okay, is what I’m saying. More then okay, in fact.
I recommend everybody in this thread to have a talk with their spouse about the five love languages.
If you want to get better at sex, check out the manuals by Lou Paget.