Exactly! No worries. 
Hope you’re doing ok.
Band-aids
They are always easier to remove if you do it quickly.
Chiming in here with my situation.
My wife and I have been in a sexless marriage for 4 years now. We had sex together for the first year or so of our marriage and then that was it. Before that, we hadn’t lived together in the same country; she was in another country, and I visited her once or twice a year, and the rest of the time we had a long-distance relationship–for seven years. Back then we were passionate with each other, although she was very inexperienced (i was her first boyfriend, first kiss, first sex partner)
Now there’s no sex. But we do a lot of things together: cuddle, talk, watch TV, cook, go out. It’s just that neither of us can really get caught up in lust with the other one. And I am interested in seeing other women. We tried to have an open relationship, but she is just not comfortable with it–she sees it as adultery and can’t respect herself for being in that kind of relationship. I’m also interested in kink, things like bondage and role playing, and she is not into that.
Yesterday we talked it over, and she said that she would rather move out than stay in the apartment alone. She said that she wants to keep our sexless marriage together, but that she can’t accept a situation where we’re married and I’m seeing other people. She said it might be ok if I just did it secretly and didn’t let her know about it.
I don’t know if she’s going to follow through on looking for a place, or if I have the strength to leave if she can’t do it. I feel very bad about creating a situation where she has to leave, because she doesn’t have a job, has no friends in this country, and English is not her first language. I’m going to support her financially (in fact, I’m required to as her green card sponsor). This is going to be extremely emotionally difficult for both of us; we both always end up crying and miserable whenever we talk about it, and it feels like we’re somehow jeopardizing our psychological survival by splitting up.
I don’t like feeling like I need her in order to be healthy, it feels codependent. I’ve gone to a SLAA meeting, I’ve been talking with my therapist about these issues, and I’m on antidepressants. All that, and I still feel like this is something bigger than I can cope with.
I guess my situation is slightly different. We have been together for 12 years and married 10 years. In the last year and half we only slept together 4 times - I have received countless rejections. I finally asked her if she was attracted to me or not. Basically she refuses to answer the question. I eventually asked her if we could split up because it was not right and we both deserved more. Funny like most people on here we are fine in almost every department - actually almost perfect in every department except she is not attracted to me.
She basically called me selfish and cruel for wanting to change our relationship. I am guessing we are doomed.
Our situation is slightly different. We have been together for 12 years and have been married for 10 years. We have three children under 10. We live in a great area kids go to good schools and we have a high standard of living. We are almost perfectly matched in every other area. About two years ago I went out with friends and came home at 5am in the morning, which was very bad and she suspected I was being a naughty boy. About a year ago i realised my wife has been avoiding sex with me. I asked her what was going on and she said that she still loved me and there was nothing wrong with our relationship. We we continued at the same pace (basically we have had sex only 4 times in the last year and half). Then I asked her if she was still attracted to me and she never answered the question, but continues to say she loves me. Last week I asked her for the third time if she is attracted to me and she flat out refused to answer (of course not answering is an answer in itself). In the past our sex was just about adequate and I was not complaining - I would have liked a little more but not complaining
This week I asked her if we should rearrange our relationship in a different form because she is not attracted to me and we hardly have a sex life. She was not happy about my idea and called me selfish, cruel etc. I just don’t understand. Maybe someone is in a similar situation.
I really glad to find this post. Otherwise I always thought my situation was unique and was living in distress for very long. I and my wife are in our early 30s married for almost 6 years now. To the outside world we have a perfect life and actually everything does tick the box except sex.
She is great in almost every way but I still do not feel any sexual attraction to her. And I am not sure if at all we ever had good sex life…first 2 years we may had it 3-4 times a month…then she had medical issues so frequency dropped to 1-2 times a month and now its almost non-existent. Even before marriage we never had great intimacy and it was briefly long distance before marriage and so never had chance to think over it. We have discussed and talked about everything in general about live but never sex.
The issue now is that earlier I could fake it even if I did not want it but now even that has become a challenge. Initially I wondered if something is wrong with me - but I am sure that I am not a gay. Neither there is any physical issue or lack of sex drive.
She also does feel that something is missing because i never initiate it. Only now she mentioned it because wants to start a family. And in a way this has forced me too think about the issue which I have been trying to ignore for very long.
I hate this situation because I do love her and do not want to do anything that will hurt her. She is very sensitive and so I find it very difficult to openly communicate with her. I have been desperately trying and making effort to feel passionate about her but just not able to feel it. May be I am trying too hard. I have been sweeping this issue under carpet for long thinking of it to go away on its own. But I know its about a time I should take decision and do something about it. I plan going to counsellor and hoping that will help. I want to save this marriage and really hoping a solution could be found. I hope there is one.
The longevity of this thread speaks to what appears to be a common problem; as I struggle with this issue myself, spending a Sunday morning reading the responses has provided some highs and lows.
Looking at rough facts,
About 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Extrapolating from the popularity of this thread that “growing apart into passionless roomates” is not an uncommon reason for divorce, that then leads us to the fact that second marriages have an even HIGHER incidence of divorce.
There have been very few posters who have said they’ve moved on from there passionless marriages and have been in their new relationship 10-15 years. So a bunch of things come to mind:
While of course new relationships have passion, is it sustainable? Infatuation always fades. Will old patterns emerge and a new relationship likely become just as passionless? Statistics seem to say yes, despite the fact that one should be able to boast “I’ve done this before, now I’ll be better at it”. How much of this problem is our inability to “create” passion as opposed to it just dying?
I’m not making any judgements here; I’m here because I’m in the same boat as many posters here; just kind of thinking aloud. Is the answer serial monogamy? Or accepting that love matures but that the “spark” fades? Or is a marriage with lifelong passion really possible? And would it even be possible in some of the marriages here that are fading (like my own) with a mutual, focused effort? I go back an forth.
Problematizer’s life sounds like mine. My husband and I got married very quickly (a few months) but were long distance the first couple of years. The sex was never on fire, but shortly after we got married (in fact on our wedding day) he shut down and shut me out. I was rejected almost weekly for months, and we never had phone sec or anything while we spent months apart. We have struggled ever since. Now that he lives here, he is totally dependent on me, as this is not his country and he is very shy. I’m becoming especially resentful since his shyness has prevented him from really seeking gainful employment and contributing financially in a meaningful way. I make a decent salary, but we’re not on the road to retirement, and he essentially avoids talking to me about money, sex etc. It took 3 years to get him to agree to couples therapy.
I admit when we met I had very low self esteem and rushed into this situation, but he is a sweet, good looking guy. He keeps the house clean, etc, but I never wanted a house husband, and he isn’t really my best friend either. Now that we’re finally entering therapy, I’m actually pretty close to giving up. He’s been making more of an effort the past 5 months, and occasionally initiates oral sex, etc, but we haven’t had intecourse in months because the last time was so awful I refuse to do it with him (he was impatient about my orgasm taking too long and was mean about it). He’s very conservative sexually and won’t try anything even remotely adventurous, and flat out refuses to do little things I ask for to spice it up because he says it turns him off. There’s no passion, but I also still care about him and feel like part of it might be struggling to adjust to this country. Part of me feels a little guilty. But the rest of me is feeling like I am being a fool for continuing. I’m in my mid thirties, I’m okay looking but never really ever had the boys lining up. I feel like I should try to enjoy my remaining years of youth and attractiveness with someone else, but I hate the idea of giving up on my marriage.
Totally the case I had with my husband and after 21 years of no sex and being pals, I ended it. Of course, before I did this, I tried to get him to go and get some counseling, and he flat out said “no”, so I had to get the courage up and leave him. He kept telling me that sex wasn´t important to him and that it shouldn´t be to me either. Sometimes I regret what I did but more so out of fear of the unknown than any other thing. The healing after divorce is a long process and I don´t know when I will feel completely normal again, but I do know is that I couldn´t go on being with a roommate, I needed a husband.
This is my life at present in a nutshell. Not married, but have been with the same person for 13 years in a commited relationship, no kids. Neither of us have cheated that I’m aware of. There is no passion, no affection and no sex for most of my 30s. It seems neither of us are interested in that from the other any longer. We don’t even sleep in the same bedroom anymore. I feel like I just have a roommate I’m close with.
Overall I think he is a good human being, he can be very depressive and a downer at times & I’ve become less tolerant of that. He doesn’t do anything special for me on my birthday or holidays any longer. Since he stopped doing it for me, I stopped getting him gifts too. On many levels we get along well, have great discussions and live a comfortable lifestyle, have a nice home, etc. But there is something missing. I miss having affection and someone rocking my world or giving me the fluttery feeling in my stomach when they kiss me. It makes me feel lonely, unloved, even unattractive. Lately more than ever I’ve contemplated getting out before 10 more years go by and I’m 50 and in the same situation. At 40 I’m too young to just give up on sex or romance in life all together. If I stay I know there will be none. If I’m on my own there is a potential I could find it again someday.
In a way it’s good to know there are other people dealing with the same thing, and others that have moved on & are okay.
This thread is like a honey pot drawing in fly after fly.
Bree77, welcome to the Dope. Start dating again, and move on with your life. Consider yourself lucky you’re not married. Sounds like you might have to disentangle a house, but get on with life. You owe it to yourself to be really HAPPY!!!
Somebody just needs to point out the obvious. “I like you, but we’re clearly just friends and roommates now. I’m going to start dating other people.” I bet he’ll be relieved you finally said it out loud.
I regret being an asshole on this thread, as I randomly come across it tonight while contemplating divorce.
That might not be a bad idea. Just put it all out there- this is how I feel and this is what I’m going to do. I have no one to date technically, but he doesn’t need to know that. It’s just really messed up, I’ve cried over this so many times recently. I never thought it would come to this.
My wife is a wonderful, good and caring woman. We married end of 2007 (being together since 2003) but I suppose we took bad decisions (we didn’t live really together until mid 2013 because I was studying abroad from 2008 to mid 2010 and then she was studying in another city until mid 2013). I suppose the fact of not being -continuously- together harmed the relationship.
We barely had sex in 2015 (mostly a lack of desire on my side) and although we were planing to have kids in 2016 I am currently thinking whether a separation wouldn’t be the best. I miss the passion and adventure in a couple and although we travel sometimes together, there’s still something missing.
She loves me and can’t live without me. A divorce would harm her and our families and this is something that is holding me against this idea.
To make things worse, I found someone who I really like and who is more compatible with me, however she is moving abroad in a few weeks for at least one year and I don’t want to be involved in another LDR. This person has expressed her feelings towards me as well and she says she would be willing to return in one year if I am ready to start something together.
Thanks for reading.
Divorce her. She’ll learn to live with out you. And she’ll be grateful that you split once she finds someone who desires her. So in the long run, there is much more help than harm for her (and you) in you two ending the marriage.
And the families can just deal with it.
There’s a huge gulf between “can’t imagine living without you” and “can’t live without you.” With all due respect to both of you, I sincerely doubt the latter is true. I felt similarly when my first marriage was falling apart, but the human survival instinct is a strong one. People generally figure it out when they have to.
Further, trying to hold someone else’s life together is not a good reason to stay married. If you want to try to work out the issues in your marriage (which I would encourage first), then you should do that. But if you are at the point, or if you reach the point, where you have no more hope for that relationship, you would be doing yourself and your wife a favor by leaving it behind.
If you do decide to get a divorce, do so because you don’t think things can work in your relationship. Don’t do so because of vague hope for another non-ideal relationship out on the horizon.
How do you all define passion? For most posters here passion seems to mean “sex with someone attractive who appears to want sex as much as you and seems to find you also attractive”.
I think passion is much more then that. For me, it is the feeling that my partner is very important to me, and I’m important to him.
being lovers (which does not mean we should have sex everyday). we forgot about that long time ago.
I will do this. The next months will be crucial. Thanks for your good advise.