@Salinqmind: exactly that - which leads us right back around in a circle back to ‘why stay married?’ If spouses don’t care what the other does, what is the point.
I have this situation, my spouse not a bad person, married 19 years, together 22 or 23, three kids (18, 15 & 11), however we are not emotionally, spiritually compatible in ways that are not optional for me. I have spent much time and effort (one book in particular that is highly recommended for people in this situation, which has been instrumental for me in figuring out the truth of this for me). So…I am strategically taking steps to be able to become independent of that relationship and I know without hesitation that I will be happier for doing so. Not because of any expectation about what other guy I might find, but because of identifying what matters most to me in a relationship and knowing that will not happen with husband, nor do I desire that with him. That is a separate matter from kids and the importance of their lives in all of it. I don’t believe that our ability to be the best parents we can be is dependent on being together - and in fact, i believe the degree of acrimony experienced in this situation actually takes something away from better parenting. My two cents. Everyone’s situation is different. It takes a lot of courage and effort to really dig beneath the surface to get to what the truth of it all is for you, then even more courage to actually make concrete decisions based on that, plus the other factors (kids, finances, etc…)
Read ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’ by Mira Kirshenbaum. If you will go through each of the criteria laid out in this book and consider each thing honestly for yourself, you will have whatever the truth of all of it is for you. You will know what the right thing is for you to do. You may be surprised at yourself and whatever conclusion you come to after considering all of the things posed by the author, or it may put into words what you already really know. HOwever it turns out, this book will absolutely lead you to your answers. Totally worth the effort.
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Your spouse was generally a good person: Absolutely. A very active Catholic, a person who sympathizes with the downtrodden, didn’t curse, fornicate or drink to excess
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You had little to no sex because there was a lack of passion: check. Her libido was and is very low. We never should have married, as sex once every few months was not where I was at at age 25 nor at age 45.
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Basically you were like roommates or friends who just happened to sleep in the same bed: check.
No regrets on the divorce. It was hard on the kids, but they were old enough to understand and cope.
I don’t regret the divorce although I do have regrets about not trying harder. My life was fine after divorce but she has struggled the past 23 years. We had very little passion but lots of sex, nearly everyday. She seemed to like it but I alwasy felt it was too quick and not nearly intense enough. After divorce I found out she wanted more passion also. I am with a lady now who has plenty of problems but the sex is great and very frequent. I suffered from the Madonna syndrome, I didn’t want to treat my wife like a whore in bed. We laugh about it now.
Holy crap, HoneyBadgerDC, that’s one hell of an admission. I’d appreciate if you would elaborate on this if you don’t mind; I suspect quite a lot of men feel this way about the women they love and respect.
I would have to give it some thought. But basicaly we did all the normal stuff, oral, etc., but I seldom would talk dirty or demand specific acts, I was somewhat reserved in how much I would let myself go. Now I roar like a lion when I get off and I say what the hell I want LOL.
Ah, not that, I meant did you consciously put your wife in a compartment that protected her from your baser attentions, did religion play a role, did you feel kind of ashamed for wanting sexual satisfaction from the woman you loved and respected, or did you think that by keeping her somewhat pure and depriving her of pleasure she would be ensured not to stray… (I’m just throwing out wild guesses here) was there any conscious thought into using restraint with regards to her that you didn’t otherwise employ with other women or fantasies?
I just totaly misread the situation. I thought I might insult her I guess. I thought she might think I was a pervert. She had gone through quite a bit of child molestation as a kid and I was overly protective of what I percieved to be her boundaries.
Gosh, that’s an awful side effect of abuse I’ve never considered; that the partner of a survivor allows protective feelings to override desire. Thanks for explaining.
Wow. And I thought I was the only one.
We got married in 1996. She was the first and only girl I ever dated. She is Chinese (grew up in Hong Kong). We have three children.
We rarely talk. And are rarely intimate. The latter is especially a big issue for me, since I have a high sex drive.
She’s not a bad person by any means. We just have nothing in common. And there are cultural differences that I don’t relate to.
I would divorce her, but I am afraid how it would impact the children. I know they would be hurt by it, both emotionally and financially, and I would hate myself for causing them such pain.
No, I don’t regret it. We have been apart for almost three years. We are friends and coparenting, able to laugh together, and yes, sometimes still disagree on various things, but we have managed to keep things positive. Also, as time passes by the easier it gets. Things were emotionally charged at the start of the break up, but we worked through it. Each of us in our own way. The kids are well and have adjusted too.
I’m almost weeping with relief at reading all this. The title describes my exact relationship situation and I felt like I was all alone in this problem.
I’m “luckier” in my situation than many others here. My significant other and I have been together for 7.5 years, but never married and never had children.
It’s a pretty common problem. My marriage started off great but ended up that way. It was tough to separate because we cared about each other so much. Now, years later, we are best of friends and both of us are getting plenty of action but not with each other. We talk on the phone and hang out from time to time. In fact, just a couple of days ago I went out to dinner with my ex and her SO and we had a great time.
Generally, when a relationship gets to that point, it’s nearly impossible to salvage. You’ll both be so much happier if you take the difficult step now. At least start talking.
I am 40 and in the middle of a divorce. We were married ten years. We had intimacy issues from the very start…I married her because I loved who she is, but I never felt that attracted to her. A terrible mistake. As time went on, our lack of connection in bed became an enormous unspoken “thing” between us. Years went by without sex. Now and then it would blow up into a tear-filled discussion…we’d both vow to work on it, to get counseling. Things always returned to the unspoken, unsatisfied silence.
Then, out of the blue, I got a call from an ex-girlfriend. As soon as I heard her voice—and felt the wave of enthusiasm and desire that I remembered from decades ago—I knew my marriage was over. Not that I wanted to be with the ex-girlfriend, necessarily…it was that I realized I’m still a being that can get excited about love, about possibility…that my sex life doesn’t have to be past tense.
My divorce so far is incredibly painful and confusing. Some days I want to email my wife (she has moved out) and cancel the entire thing. I also feel conflicted on moral grounds: I am causing her great unhappiness; she’s a bit older than I am, and maybe her chances of finding someone else aren’t great. But every time I reflect on it, I decide again that I can’t sacrifice my sex life for another person’s happiness. This is by far the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but it’s also the right one.
Just my two cents…wanted to add to the great posts about this.
I’m currently going through a divorce for similar reasons. We were a very solid, functional couple, with a firm base of friendship, but the sex was generally pretty perfunctory and dull. No passion at all, just very by-the-numbers. I don’t have the slightest bit of regret about it now. I recently started dating again, and the first time I slept with someone new was a complete revelation. I had forgotten it could be like that.
My soon-to-be-ex is a great father and a good guy, and I hope he finds someone he can be passionate about.
Reported.
I am in the same situation. I feel my spouse is just my roommate and he is a really good person. I feel a totally different person since I met him we were 18. We have been married for only 2 years we are both 23. There’s no passion. He was a virgin when I met him, and he is not that kind of a guy that is so into sex. I always tell him we need to have more sex! but he thinks that sex is not important, for me it is. I really love him, I’m just not that IN love with him like I was. He is my best friend, we have soo so much fun together, just not in bed. He is my soul mate, he understand me and he knows me. He respects me and supports me in my career. That’s why I haven’t leave him, I can’t imagine living without him. But I want more, I want a more mature man. He hasn’t live at all, and I have live too much. I just feel we are beecoming totally different people. I am not with him because of the money, I am very independent and he is very emotional dependent on me. We don’t have children either. I feel I’m living with my best friend, not with my MAN. I am noticing other men now, and that makes me feel so sad I am a nurse so I am around educated, mature and interesting men all the time. I would never cheat on him, that’s not me. I would never hurt him. I don’t want to leave him because I think I am going to regret it. Like I read in another thread, there are worst things out there than being married to your bestfriend. But I’m still young, and I feel I am going to regret not doing it right now. I just don’t want to lose him… I really don’t know what to do. I just don’t feel we are meant to be 
and I always follow my instinct. Some advice is welcome. Thanks
When people in this thread say their relationships lack passion…do they mean there’s no sex at all , or that thereis no sizzling sex, or …passion is such a broad term and prone to misunderstandings.