Wow. Like many others I thought I was in a unique situation. Married sixteen years, no intimacy for the last nine.
We get along great. We travel great together. We never argue (quite literally never). I love my in-laws and she mine and they love us.
Taking care of the house and life in general is equally split. It just comes naturally. We don’t split up specific duties. If it needs done, one of us will do it.
No kids. And no passion. No spark anymore. But I can’t imagine going through a divorce.
You are very right. Passion and intimacy are very broad terms. For myself and my wife there is no sex at all. The last two times I tried to get things going, to reignite something, I was met with… apathy.
Let me add that we are both healthy and active. But the spark seems to be gone. The passion. And let me also add that I am not blaming my wife for this. At least in my world, it takes two to tango, but the dance music seems to have stopped.
We married too young, started off passionately, but both of us happened to succumb to depression around the same time (ran in both of our families), but like many depressed people, we had no idea we were depressed. Sex tapered off, romance tapered off, even sometimes basic friendliness tapered off. We began immersing ourselves in solitary hobbies instead of joint activities, etc. It wasn’t just like having a roommate, it was like having a roommate who just stays in his/her room, coming out only to get food, go to the bathroom, or go to work.
Mostly, I’m happy we divorced. I was more financially stable by myself within months (odd, since there’s one less income, and I was paying the same rent and such). I was able to finally do some of the things I’d wanted to do that I couldn’t before, the most important being going to school. Not only did I do well in school and get two degrees, but a professor happened to guess at my depression and asked me to go see on-campus counseling. I’ve graduated and no longer receive counseling, and I do hate to say that I’ve been in a pretty deep depression for the last few years… but at least I realize what it is, and can work to counteract it. I also dated a series of pretty nice women (and a couple of off-the-rails psychotic ones), and learned a lot more about how to be part of a couple - the necessary give and take, compromise and cooperation, and respect - than she or I brought into that marriage.
But, sometimes I do have that twinge of regret. I couldn’t have done any of the above without having been single again, but I think now we’d be much more suitable partners for each other. This year would have been our 17th anniversary. Ah well.
But…I mean, you care about this, right? Does she know you care about it? Have you talked about it? I just can’t imagine saying “oh well, sexless marriage, that’s the way it goes.” She sounds like a reasonable person. Surely this is something that can be worked out.
I was polyamorous going in and explained it whereas she felt she needed sexual exclusivity and explained that, and we were in love and initially quite passionate. It just didn’t stay that way.
I think of her, I miss her now & then, but no I don’t regret the relevant decisions. I am much happier now and I hope she is too. She deserves to be and our relationship wasn’t good in the long run for her either.
Well, she will have sex. She is just not into it. No longer enjoys sex. And that pretty much ruins it for me.
I have thought about the open marriage thing. And there is actually a woman that is my best friend that I’ve talked to about this. We are both very attracted to each other. But, in her eyes it would not matter if I was in an open marriage. Adultery is adultery.
She just came out of a divorce herself, and if I was single about a year ago, I suspect she and I would be married right now. In fact, I’m sure of it. Doesn’t really matter now though I guess, she has found someone and is in a committed exclusive relationship.
What is it about him that makes you say you don’t want to lose him? Without knowing the whole story, I would say to give it a bit of time and see if you can work it out. If he is eager to also make it work, then you may have a shot. But if he is resistant or if things change for a bit but 6 months later it’s back to the same, then it’s probably best to move on. I would guess you’d both be more happy in the long run.
Another one chiming in – the OP sounds like my marriage.
My spouse is generally a good person
We have little to no sex because there is a lack of passion
Basically we are like roommates or friends who just happen to sleep in the same bed
Having young children is probably a part of why our sex life has pretty much disappeared. But there’s more to it than that. Or that’s just an excuse. I think – no, actually, I know because she’s told me so – that my wife would be more into sex, if I was. Problem is, I don’t find her attractive at all any more. Maybe I did at the beginning, but it’s not like I was ever bowled over by passion for her. There were just a lot of other things that attracted me to her when we met and that seemed like enough, at the time.
We’ve tried talking about what we like, sexually, and worked on finding more time to go on dates, cuddle, etc. But the bottom line is that I’m just not that into her. Haven’t been for years. And we’ve both changed. Some of the things I originally found attractive look different to me today.
But then, we have the kids. We have a decent partnership in raising them, in running a household, saving for retirement, etc. When we get the odd day, kids free, to hang out together, we have a pretty good time. As old friends doing stuff together. It’s hard to think about giving all that up.
Unfortunately, you can only fake it for so long. I dread it when she tries to touch me sexually. Because then I either have a choice of hurting her feelings or giving in and basically “performing” without much in the way of intimacy or passion for me. I know we do things for the people we love, but it’s feeling like I’m lacking integrity. Where does one draw the line?
It’s not like I don’t want sex. Just not with her. The small twist to this scenario is that we’re a lesbian couple. But prior to coming out and meeting her, I dated and had sex with men. These days… well… I find myself missing that. A lot. But I find myself wondering if my taste has changed, or am I just wanting something different for the sake of something different? And is it worth giving up a marriage that works on a lot of levels in order to scratch an itch, so to speak. It’s very confusing.
This pretty much describes how I feel about my husband. The first thing the councilor said when we said we weren’t having sex was that we should get a checkup as there was a libido problem. It was a bit awkward to explain that I have plenty of libido, I just don’t want my husband.
Sometimes I regret it but mostly I know that separating was the best thing for both of us.
We were both in our forties when we met, both been married before and both financially OK. We dated for a while but kept our own houses as I think we were wary of another commitment. Eventually I sold my house and moved in with her.
For a while everything was fine although I have to admit that whilst I enjoyed her company and the sex was alright, I just wasn’t that passionate about her. This is what finished the relationship and I feel responsible as I was aware of my lack of romantic feelings from the start.
We ended up sleeping in separate rooms and any sort of intimacy pretty well stopped unless we got drunk and then sometimes had a quickie.
Before we split, which was at her instigation, I was fairly happy with the situation. I valued the friendship and companionship and was OK with the lack of passion. She wasn’t.
There were other factors that came into play. She loved to go out and party. I hate crowds and loud music and would much prefer a dinner party with a couple of close friends. She was more adventurous sexually (anal? Yuk no way!) where I am much more conservative in my tastes.
We were and still are good friends. It just didn’t work for us as a couple.
Exactly what I’m feeling – responsible – because I knew I didn’t have that physical attraction or passionate feelings for her. But I thought all the rest would be enough. Now it’s not.
Oh shit can I get a “what what”? That describes me and some woman to a tee. Since I guess forever, trying to communicate using words wasn’t her style. Yeah I’m not going to fake getting it up for you just because it’s a sacrament, I guess.
Srsly she’d have rather I put a fucking picture on the back of her head. Fucking retard woman.
Not seriously, but metaphorically. How do otherwise smart people end up with fucking retard broads? Eh, fuck it, don’t care.
Could be worse. I could be 40 years of age, and that woman is still irl going on living her own sad life while I’m fine and dandy.
Wow, this is pretty much my marriage to a t, besides the lesbian couple thing…although I have tried using that “I could possibly be a lesbian” excuse for my lack of passion and sex drive. I’m just not attracted to my husband whatsoever, there’s not one thing I can think of I find remotely attractive. Now prior to him, I had lots and lots of passionate sex multiple times a day, & that person is still in me, ready to go! After over a decade of making up excuses to avoid the bi monthly sex with him, I just got sick of the faking and straight up told him the truth and that I have no plans to have sex with him again and haven’t in a year now. Yet here we are, he still wants to be with me, and I still want nothing to do with him outside of friends/co-parents! What a crock really. We are both very successful, good looking (yes, he is too, just not attractive to me) and general good people, just way wrong for each other. We just can’t seem to imagine the whole 50/50 kids split, this is the glue that binds us, it’s sad.
Mine too, except that I’m a lesbian and my ex-husband, well, isn’t.
We were together for—well, technically, the divorce is not yet final, so 21 years. But I’ve been gone for three years now. I’m with my first love (female) and he’s engaged to someone else, so whenever the divorce finally goes through, we’ll both move on with our lives. He’s a good guy, and I’m glad he found someone to make him happy. Don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again (I’m on the opposite coast now) but I wish him well.
Thankful to have stumbled upon this!
I have always been a people pleaser, and married a wonderful man that I had zero passion/spark for. The sex was always terrible, and then became non exisitent. Because he was so kind & good, and everybody else loved him, I thought it would be enough…but it’s just not…I am a healthy 32 year old woman that wants passion & hot sex…just not with him
I have not , nor would I ever cheat…I have been VERY upfront & honest with him about things, and he’s been pretty decent, he has even admitted that there’s no passion, but he argues that there never was, and he’s right.
I guess I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I want more…We both desserve more.
And even though it’s for the best for us to seperate, we are best friends and I will truly miss him…It’s so sad, but it is what it is…
The sex thing is salvageable. People manage to have “passion” with some of the most vile creatures, often repeatedly one after another, all the time. The “great person no passion” thing is mostly IMHO due to some hangup and/or just some unwillingness to try. I’ve been there, might be there now. I could salvage it but there’s a lot of resentment and other stuff and my own head getting in the way of things.
