I have to disagree, at least not in my case…
I have tried for YEARS. I faked my way through , and ended up in tears. Mostly out of guilt because I felt terrible that I had to get drunk to even CONSIDER sleeping with him.
I was never the type of person that could just sleep with anybody with no connection.
Some people can do this, but I cannot. My husband is in no way vile, he is quite attractive. I unfortunately, am just not attracted to him…Even his smell is imcompatible to me. I do believe in basic pheromones and chemistry. Some people don’t need it, I do.
I love & adore my husand, but my body literally cringes if he tries to touch me.
Cuddling? no problem.
Kiss him? Nope, not happening…Like I said, I have hung on to the point that we are both suffering, and I don’t think I can just suck it up and not enjoy a healthy sex life.
He is my best friend in a lot of ways, just not my lover. I think it’s time to find both pieces tothe puzzle. I do believe it’s out there… I hope it is.
I was in a passionless marriage where not only did we not have sex, we slept in separate beds because he snored. I literally used to call him my roommate. I have NO regrets from leaving him. My only regret is taking him back in! Because now we’re in the same situation as before except now I call him my ex! (or the lazy houseguest, etc.)
I left my ex husband three years ago. The grass is not greener! While I went through a period of feeling “free” and having romantic love and passion (which I still have with my bf), I wish I had tried harder in my marriage. I think just a break or separation could have helped. After some reflection and space, I no longer feel disgusted by my ex. I realize it had more to do with exhaustion from the kids, built up resentments, and thinking it would be better with someone else or easier/less miserable alone. I was young and wasn’t prepared for feeling like I had fallen out of love. I wish we would have spent the money to go away alone. Even if the trip had ended with us just holding hands and cuddling, it could have been a start. In short, no relationship is perfect. After leaving, I’ve just traded different struggles to have in my life.
Have you tried to go to a swingers club? Basically, you go out together to a club, he has sex with a married woman, you have sex with a married man, everybody goes home to their respective marriages again. Might work for your ages and if you’re both attractive.
I’m in the same boat, I think. I’ve lost urge to have sex with her. For a while I made myself do it to try to keep her happy. It has reached the point where forcing myself to have sex with her has become too awkward to bear. I think she really resents me for it. She is also quick to anger and confrontational, whereas I avoid confrontation at all costs. We both have problems with depression, but where I am prone to withdrawing when depressed she weeps loudly and hits herself in the head and gets even needier. I hate it. I hate drama and theatrics and noise and confrontation, so I push her away even more. I want a new life, but I don’t want to commit to anything because the new life could be worse. I don’t want to leave my daughter. I feel trapped. I think things will keep going this way until she ends it. Which is probably what I want, so I can tell myself and my daughter that it wasn’t my fault. The whole situation sucks. I really do like my wife, she’s brilliant and kind. I just don’t like relating to her as a husband.
I found this thread today thinking that I was alone in feeling like you all here. It gives me strength to know that there are others like me.
I still love my husband and he is a great person but I am just not attracted to him anymore. We have been married for 3 years, he was my first boyfriend and we got married fast. We had passion at one time in the begining but as the newness faded I realized that there was little about the man that got my engine reving. I guess that I knew this from the start but there were some many other things about him that attracted me. I didn’t have any relationship experience when we meet and did suffer (still suffer) for poor self esteem so when we meet and he showered me with affection I feel head over heels even though he is not my type of guy at all. Soon after we were married both he and I had medical problems. We both discovered that we suffer from major depression and struggled at first with adjusting our lives to accomodate these new realities. Then I developed physical problems with my back which lasted for well over a year. My back problems made sex and intimacy nearly impossible because of the pain. Part of me felt like this was a blessing since it was an excuse to not have bad sex. It just never clicked that this was a problem. I was dependant on my husband to take care of my as I lost most of my mobility due to nerve damage.
Once I got better my parts didnt and I went to a doctor only to discover that I have lasting problems and started to get them treated. These new problems were an effective mask to hide behind and not have sex. Now that I’m better and the plumbing is working again I realize that I just wasnt into him from the start.
I’m now struggling with deciding to divorce and at first my husband was supportive and gave me time to work things out. a week later he is feeling the expected anger and pain of our situation and is pressing me to shit or get off the pot. I know that if i leave him I will be okay. Im handsome and have a good job and outlook on life but I cant help but feel deeply afraid that I am abandoning him.
How do you coupe with the guilt of being the one to throw in the towl and say enough, knowing that you are breaking the other person??
Im sorry this is so long winded I just have some much in my head its hard to get around.
This is me. Perfect marriage on the outside, happy kids, great house, spouses that respected each other, yet I chose to leave and I felt guilty for about two years until I had a therapist tell me, “if your kids see that you’re happy, they will be happy.”
But I was soooo afraid for so long that I would be ridiculed for leaving a marriage to a man that was well educated, employed, respected me, was financially sound but chose to treat our family like we were running a business that I remained with him in a loveless marriage for 12 years. I’m glad its over.
Fair enough. I guess I would clarify my opinion to say that IMHO I think a lot of people could benefit from actually trying, though. Sometimes the passionless less thing is just a normal progression of a relationship that’s been allowed to go that way. Things don’t have to be left for dead. IMHO.
I have read this thread about 30 times and I still feel anxious and confused. I am in the middle of a 2 week break from my husband due to my issues with lack of attraction and passion for him. We are 30 and married for 2+ years, no kids. We were best friends for several years before we got married and I never really felt any spark for him romantically, just an intense happiness due to our awesome friendship. Anyway, I fell in love with his personality, his drive, intelligence, his humor, and his family. We are like 2 peas in a pod as far as friendship goes, we just have so much fun together and we really get each other. He is a very attractive guy, it’s just me personally who is unfortunately not attracted to him in that way.
Anyway, it’s been difficult for me to have sex with him for a very long time now
And I wish it were different but I just can’t seem to feel romantic feelings for him. At one point in the beginning I was more into the sex but I think that is just due to the novelty at the time. He is not my type at all physically but I love everything else about him.
I am struggling with intense guilt and pain right now for causing him and our families so much devastation with these admissions. He has said he feels abandoned which utterly breaks my heart but I just cannot imagine another 50+ years with no passion. I truly believe we are better as friends, and our relationship has felt like roommates for quite some time now. Also, we sleep in separate beds since his movement wakes me up too much, which I’m sure doesn’t contribute to a healthy connection.
He is expecting me to tell him what I want in a couple days (stay or divorce) and although I know we probably need to divorce, I just can’t imagine telling him that
Also, I still have a very healthy libido and I can get very aroused by others so I know it’s not a physical issue with me. My therapist keeps reminding me to think about what I want long term to help me make this decision, but it just sucks, I am truly destroying someone!!!
I’m with the other poster in wanting to know how to cope with doing this to someone and how to get the courage to do what we know needs to be done.
He deserves better too, a wife that wants to jump his bones and who will feel passionately about him, yet he wants to stay together anyway. He is truly an INCREDIBLE man and anyone would be extremely lucky to have him. Any more advice??
Last night, News Years Eve. The clock strikes midnight and the ball drops welcoming in 2014. My 4 year old was awake with us. I lean over to my son, give him a kiss and hug to welcome in the new year. His father gives him a kiss and hug too. Then we go to bed. Me in the bedroom, my son in his room and his dad on the couch.
It seems sad that you have so much going for the two of you, but only 2 years invested in the marriage. Attraction is a powerful animal to overcome. Do you have any patterns of loosing attraction for lovers once the novelty wears off? Have you had a very hot love affair in the past that you hold the bar at for comparison? If so how long did that relationship last.
Thank you for responding. He definitely deserves more, it’s just I keep wondering if I should just suck it up and keep our marriage together since he loves me so much and since our marriage works on other levels just not romantically.
We spoke on phone today and he was crying so badly, it killed me
Wow, I feel like I just had a psychic reading : / you really hit the nail on the head. Yes, I have a pattern of losing attraction, but I also have a pattern of getting into long term relationships with men that I am originally friends-only with for years and then I eventually give in after they have continued to pursue and I then consider their other great qualities, which makes me want to give it a shot. My husband is the second guy this has happened with now. You are also correct about the hot love affair. I dated a guy when I was 21 for 4 years and it was extremely hot and heavy, and I do compare everything to it. It ended because we were too young and immature back then and couldnt appreciate each other, but we are still friends.
I should also point out, my husband and I were strictly friends-only for 6 years before we started dating although he pursued me the entire time. Once we started dating, I had difficulty with seeing him as more than a friend off and on for a few months, and I would always tell him this and then we would try again. Eventually, it stuck, and we quickly moved in together, got engaged shortly after, and then married right away. I realize though therapy that we rushed things, and I just cant help but feel incredibly guilty and responsible for ruining my husband’s happiness, but I truly thought it would all work out and I was happy at the time.
