I think there is a distinction between “staying in it for the kids” and “staying in it to be with the kids”. People may want to be with their kids and support them during the pitfall-filled high-school years and not cause a ruckus with a divorce at that time, which could potentially mean less time with them, regardless of the perception they may have. Once the kids are adults and on their own at college or with a job/career, then the perception is that they will be able to handle the brutal truth about their parents’ marriage.
It can affect the kids in a big way.
I’m going through it.
Forget what anyone says; staying in it for the kids can be a good thing. A really good thing.
I would think two parents fighting all the time would be much harder on the kids than the parents being divorced.
Even if there’s not loud or obvious fighting going on, kids are perceptive and they know when there’s tension in the house.
If nothing else, do you want them to learn a relationship model that puts THEM in a marriage that looks like yours? Or do you want them to see their parents being cooperative co-parents but pursuing happy lives?
And now for my long winded answer to the question…
I was with my ex-husband for 12 years (technically 13 by the time the divorce was finalized but I moved out months before that). The final few years of the marriage we were very good friends and not much more. We had a shared social circle, got along well enough as housemates and were financially okay. I supported him while he got his career off the ground, and once he was established he did the same for me (although it came out during the split that he resented my job. Would have been helpful to know that during the marriage as it explained some things but… so be it.). At one point I asked, then begged, him to go to counseling with me to try and regain the closeness that we had in the beginning but he told me “I’m happy with the way things are” and that was that.
So… sex dropped off. He did his thing, I did mine, and we drifted apart. He let himself go physically (and I’m not talking about just gaining weight, I mean things like brushing his teeth before bed) and stopped making any attempts to “court” me. I didn’t expect flowers and poems, but it’s hard to feel desire for someone who throws his dirty socks on the floor until they form a stinky carpet of laundry and who doesn’t remember to flush the toilet half the time.
We decided to have what Dan Savage calls a “monogamish” relationship with some clearly discussed rules, at my suggestion. In hindsight, I see that as me feeling trapped and panicked and not knowing what to do. Predictably, I met someone who knocked my socks off, made me feel like the queen of the world and who, when we started sleeping together (in my defense, this was AFTER I’d moved out) was just… wow.
So do I regret divorcing my roommate-like ex? Yeah, I do. I’m starting to feel like a good marriage might just be one where you support and respect each other and live harmoniously as good friends. I resented him for not paying me the attention I needed, but I could have worked harder to make him understand that and I think (although I’ll never know) that he cared about me enough to at least try. I feel like I made an effort to stay attractive and interesting to him, and to develop an interest in his hobbies, but I could have tried harder. Maybe our sex life would have rebounded, maybe it wouldn’t have, but all in all he’s a really good dude and I have a hard time imagining finding someone else who I vibe with as well as I did with him. That ship has sailed though, and I hope the girl he’s dating now lavishes him with the attention he deserves and realizes how lucky she is.
The really stupid thing? When we did have sex it was pretty darn good. Not swinging from the chandelier crazy, but I wasn’t complaining.
In my case, I’m pretty sure they don’t realize it. Our marriage looks pretty normal. If you looked closely, you might notice there’s not a lot of affection. But that would probably be your only clue. We don’t fight and there’s no tension. There would be no point to sticking it out for the kids if the kids felt uncomfortable. So I make the best of it.
Imagine that you were taking care of a dying relative. You probably wouldn’t want to be in that situation, but you would make the best of it. You would make sure that they knew you loved them even if you weren’t happy with the situation. You wouldn’t be picking fights with them all the time and making them feel bad. You accept your role for that period of time and you take the good with the bad.
It’s like that when you’re a parent. You want the best for you kids even if that means you have to make some sacrifices. The reward will be to know that I did my best to raise them well. I’m sure they’ll be upset if we divorce, but it will be a temporary pain when they are older. I worry that a divorce when they are young will have life-long effects.
I respectfully disagree. No, I take that back. I don’t disagree with your decisions, since they’re yours and I’m not there. Better to say that I respectfully offer another viewpoint.
I believe that in a marriage with children, the parents are constantly modeling spousal and parental behaviors for the children, essentially teaching them through example that “this is what a family looks like.” Children who grow up in a household where tempers are lost and pots and pans are constantly being thrown absorb the concept that that is normal. Children who grow up in an extremely buttoned-down environment where strong emotions are never shown are going to accept that that is normal. Not to say that everyone’s marriage and family turn out exactly like their parents’; that’s obviously not true. But the parents’ example is extremely normative.
And in light of that, to model for your children the idea that marriage is a largely loveless thing to be suffered (or at least endured), is a lesson all its own. And I dispute the idea that your teenage kids don’t realize that all isn’t well. They may be different from me at that age, or my own teenage kids now, but I was very, very sensitive to the dynamics of my parents’ marriage when I was young. I could tell when they had been arguing by their body language and tone of voice, without having to hear the argument. In spite of their best efforts, by the time I was 15, I just wanted to shake them both and scream, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET DIVORCED?!?!” My kids are similarly perceptive with me.
In the interest of full disclosure, I bring to the table my own biases: I have four kids with my first wife, and we are divorced and have both remarried since. While none of options available to the husband and wife of a failing marriage were exactly optimal, I think we made a great choice to get divorced eight years ago. My kids now have two homes with parents who are obviously deeply in love with each other, not to mention two homes where they see different worldviews and lifestyles.
There are degrees of suffering, though. If you’re in a marriage that at worse would be described as “meh”, I don’t think kids will be scarred by seeing you carry on like cordial housemates with your spouse. No, it’s not ideal. But how many of us are living ideal lives? The alternative could be worse. With divorce comes extra stresses. Mom and Dad each having to figure out how to manage split households at they same they have to deal with the question of dating or not, who to bring around the kids and when they should be brought around, etc…that’s a lot of background noise for a kid to handle. There’s a lot more to consider than modeling ideal romantic partnerships.
I actually think there’s value in teaching kids to sacrifice their immediate desires for the sake of vulnerable dependents. As long as these sacrifices are made within certain limits, of course. As adults, sometimes we choose less wisely than we should. We pick the wrong career, we move to the wrong location, we have kids with the wrong person, we marry for the wrong reasons. Some mistakes can be corrected without causing more trouble than they worth, and some can not. Sometimes staying for the kids is a bad choice and sometimes its right.
Bolding mine. You make good points throughout, but the bolded sentence sums it up nicely. OP is the only one who can know the answer to that for sure, but it’s telling that she brought the question to us.
Asimovian & filmore, thanks for sharing. Again, I hope you understand that I’m not holding out what I wrote as a panecea for everyone. It works for me and my spouse, and has for over 25 years of marriage. I’m sure there are a billion factors that play into why it’s worked for us.
I come from a family with literally no history of divorce. I have to look out to cousins before I can come up with examples of marriages that ended in divorce, and only then within the last few years. My wife, OTOH, is the poster child for disfunctional families. Alcohol, drugs, cheating and divorce are the rule in her family while staying married is the rare exception. It made my spouse that much more determined not to have such a relationship.
This thread is amazing, and I’m so happy that it is still going 3 plus years on!! Let me make sure to put that in context, I’m happy because I just discovered it, and I am going thru a situation almost like the OP. I am not happy that this is happening to so many other people, because I would not wish this pain on anyone. But it does make me feel so not all-alone in the world.
I’m a late 40’s male, been married coming up on 15 years now. My wife is just about 7 years younger than me. We met and became friends over the course of about a year before I even ever asked her out. Then, once I did, BOOM! I knew she was it for me. Whirlwind romance, married about 9 months after our first date. And it was incredible. She had one child from a previous relationship, whom I adopted and now calls me Dad for more than 2/3 her life. We’ve had 3 more together, and they are all wonderful. Unfortunately, they are young, not like our oldest. The youngest is 5.
I have read almost all the posts in here and I want to define what passion is to me. Passion is holding hands, staring into each others eyes, talking about the breadth and depth of a long term relationship that has produced such amazing children (yes, bragging a bit) even tho they can be a PITA. It’s kissing, and rubbing each others backs, and being polite but basically caring about the other more than anything. Yes, sex has something to do with it, but I’ve never been a hound dog that needs sex all the time. Once in a while is good for me, usually. That’s what I define as passion in a relationship. Deciding to love one another like someone said above.
Yes, we’re sexless. A few years ago I took her to a hotel for her birthday. Had it all planned, kids and jobs taken care of, nice dinner, surprise at the hotel. And she allowed me to please her. But when it came time for my turn, she just laid there. Wouldn’t participate, wouldn’t help (and being in my mid 40’s at the time the plumbing sometimes needs a little help). Showed no interest in my pleasure whatsoever. Nothing until a couple months ago, and same story. Allowed me to do to her, but would not take any part in helping me. Barely even kisses back.
Unfortunately, deciding to love someone who has supposedly decided not to love you anymore doesn’t make a marriage. Oh, I’m no saint, and I’m sure there’s been times when I have seemed like I didn’t love her, but I do. I’ve asked, pleaded, begged, and even tried to force her to come to marriage counseling with me for years, and when I ask her or talk to her, she always agrees it’s what we need to get back to the way we were - in love. Yet, whenever I try to actually make it happen by making an appointment or asking her when a good time would be, excuses fly. I tell her to let me know when she’s ready, and it’s been 5+ years and she never has. I know it takes two to tango, and I don’t try to convince anyone, especially myself, that I am blameless in this, but how can I try to fix what I don’t know is wrong?
I have put myself in counseling to try to deal with it, and it seems to work for a while. One time she put herself into counseling without telling me about it (I had to find out from the credit card statement). As soon as I tried to get her to go together, she stopped counseling. I am in counseling yet again, but I haven’t told her as I did the last times. It’s because I feel this is what I need to gain the strength to have it be done. The next time I ask her to go to counseling with me, I’m going to ask her if she doesn’t want to go to fix the marriage, then let’s go to figure out how to end the marriage, but still be good parents to our children and be someone human about the break up.
I haven’t cheated, although I definitely do have feelings for another. I don’t know if they are reciprocated or not, and I don’t want to. I told the other woman that if I leave my wife, I want it to be because I can’t live with her anymore, not because I’ve been with someone else. Also, I’m a firm believer in the old saying “If he cheats WITH you, he will cheat ON you.” I am making lists trying to use reason and logic and keeping as many feelings out of it for why I should/would stay and why I should/would leave. Unfortunately, the latter is winning.
So, I’m making my lists, and also writing her a letter to let her know how I feel. Advice from my counselor because I’ve said that she and I just can’t talk. We’ve lost almost all but the most basic communication skills together, and that’s the worst part of it all. I still definitely love her, and would try if she wanted, but I’m thinking she doesn’t (although I don’t know, she won’t talk to me!). So, I’m going to tell her that. I’m definitely not happy, I don’t believe she is either, and we can either go to counseling to try to fix it, or if it’s too late, we need to go to counseling to try to end it amicably and do what’s best for our kids.
I am not running away from her to be with another woman, although once I am divorced, I might try to start fresh with this woman I’ve been talking to for a long while. I have lived on my own before, and will be able to do so again, although I’m wondering if I will regret it later on. I try to live my life without regrets, but I’ve never done anything like this before. The worst part is going to be not being able to be with my kids whenever I want, although, I keep thinking, if she wants this as much as I do (which I mostly believe), that maybe we can be very good about them. At least, that’s what I’m truly hoping and praying for.
Okay, I’ve rambled enough. Sorry first post is so dang long. But thank you so much for having this thread.
On one side of my family, the OP’s (and many of the other posters’) situation was called an Irish divorce.
The three year and ongoing life of the thread should be telling- this isn’t a new concept, and is likely a common part of life in our world. I’d like to praise all who give such thought and effort- if you were less rational, or more selfish, splitting would be a LOT easier. Hats off to y’all.
Observing my daughter’s divorce and repartnering- the son of her first marriage has half siblings, a step sibling, two related by blood grammmas, two stepgrammas, ditto Poppas, and is never somewhere where he is not loved and valued. He sees his parents much happier, and I think that has a big impact. FTR, he was two at the separation and is now almost 6, and has always been a treasure.
Married for 33 of the 44 years of a roller coaster relationship. It’s not perfect but it’s what we’ve got, and the times I seriously contemplated leaving (like going to see a lawyer) I found the costs to be too high. In retrospect I’m glad I didn’t, as that trough resolved and the relationship improved. Again. It’s a bit like what Tristan Jones said when asked how his latest voyage was- “Oh, up and down, up and down”. I also tend to apply a sailor’s maxim to marriage- “One hand for the rail, one hand for the boat”
I think you should consider divorce. Your marriage is loveless and sexless and her complete lack of interest is a signal that she may be sleeping with someone else. This is all my opinion but in your shoes I would have been out a long time ago, if not strongly suspecting infidelity.
There’s a pretty simple rule I learned from a friend back in high school: if you’re lickin pussy and she aint lickin dick, it’s time to get out.
soconfused, Your post could almost be mine verbatim. The biggest differences are only my age, 52, and that my wife and I have two children, boys ages 17 and 11. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and we’re the same age.
I’m also so confused and have no idea what to do. My wife loves me and says she wants our marriage to work. But we’ve talked about the issues in our marriage many times. They’ll get better briefly and then everything goes back to how it was.
Lack of sex is definitely one of the biggest issues. For probably 10 years or so we did it only once a week.
Lately, it’s fallen off to maybe twice a month, sometimes less. When we talk about it, she blames it on being too tired, or that she doesn’t feel like it. She says once we start she enjoys it, but just getting her started is the problem.
My problem is that, even when we do it, it’s so dull that it’s almost not even worth it. She will literally get undressed, lie on the bed and say, “Okay, make it a quickie.” And then pretty much just like there.
Having sex more often is hindered by the fact that she sleeps on the couch every night, so spontaneity is impossible. She does that because she says she can only fall asleep with the TV on, and I don’t sleep as well that way. She says when she gets in bed, all the stuff she needs to do starts running through her mind so she can’t relax and fall asleep. If she’s watching TV, it takes her mind off it and she drifts off.
I’m torn because I don’t want to break up our family, but I also can’t imagine going so unfulfilled for the rest of my life.
Divorce would be very difficult financially because she’s a stay-at-home mom, and since I’m the one thinking about leaving I’m sure she would get the house, alimony and child support.
The thought of having so little money and trying to date at 52 is pretty daunting. I look much younger than my age, and I find very few women my age attractive. But I don’t know how much luck I would have finding someone younger when I wouldn’t have much money.
Our age and looks are a little bit of the problem with my wife, too. I work out and am told I’m good-looking. She doesn’t work out, is showing her age a little more than I am, and is about 30 pounds overweight. She knows it, admits it, but doesn’t do anything about it, and says that’s one of the reasons she’s not that interested in sex–she doesn’t feel good about herself and how she looks.
I’m in therapy, but I’m not sure how much it’s helping. My therapist has also talked about “learning to make myself happy,” but how am I supposed to do that when I feel so alone and frustrated so often?
Why I chose “Pendulum” as my username is because I’ll be 99% sure I want to leave, and then I’ll imagine myself divorced, in a small, crappy place to live with little money, and alone, not living with my boys, and I’ll swing back to being pretty sure I’m staying. But then I’ll think about the rest of my life sleeping alone and having almost no sex life and I’ll swing back to thinking I need to leave.
I’ve thought many times, just like the OP, that we’re just roommates, but in our case we’re not even in the same bed.
To complicate matters further, and just like soconfused, there’s another woman I’ve very close friends with who says she’s interested in dating me “if I’m ever available”, but she doesn’t want me to leave my wife for her. I wouldn’t just for her, for the same reasons as soconfused. But she and I are close enough that we’ve talked about our sexual likes and dislikes and I know we would be much more compatible than my wife and I are. But I’m not even sure that if I do get divorced that this other woman will still be available. She’s literally half my age and very attractive. In my state, you have to be separated for a year before you can get divorced. I don’t even know when I would be “allowed” to date if I do move out. Is it once I file for divorce? File for legal separation?
And I still can’t decide what takes precedence–my happiness, or my wife’s and sons’?
soconfused, Your post could almost be mine verbatim. The biggest differences are only my age, 52, and that my wife and I have two children, boys ages 17 and 11. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and we’re the same age.
I’m also so confused and have no idea what to do. My wife loves me and says she wants our marriage to work. But we’ve talked about the issues in our marriage many times. They’ll get better briefly and then everything goes back to how it was.
Lack of sex is definitely one of the biggest issues. For probably 10 years or so we did it only once a week.
Lately, it’s fallen off to maybe twice a month, sometimes less. When we talk about it, she blames it on being too tired, or that she doesn’t feel like it. She says once we start she enjoys it, but just getting her started is the problem.
My problem is that, even when we do it, it’s so dull that it’s almost not even worth it. She will literally get undressed, lie on the bed and say, “Okay, make it a quickie.” And then pretty much just lie there.
Having sex more often is hindered by the fact that she sleeps on the couch every night, so spontaneity is impossible. She does that because she says she can only fall asleep with the TV on, and I don’t sleep as well that way. She says when she gets in bed, all the stuff she needs to do starts running through her mind so she can’t relax and fall asleep. If she’s watching TV, it takes her mind off it and she drifts off.
I’m torn because I don’t want to break up our family, but I also can’t imagine going so unfulfilled for the rest of my life.
Divorce would be very difficult financially because she’s a stay-at-home mom, and since I’m the one thinking about leaving I’m sure she would get the house, alimony and child support.
The thought of having so little money and trying to date at 52 is pretty daunting. I look much younger than my age, and I find very few women my age attractive. But I don’t know how much luck I would have finding someone younger when I wouldn’t have much money.
Our age and looks are a little bit of the problem with my wife, too. I work out and am told I’m good-looking. She doesn’t work out, is showing her age a little more than I am, and is about 30 pounds overweight. She knows it, admits it, but doesn’t do anything about it, and says that’s one of the reasons she’s not that interested in sex–she doesn’t feel good about herself and how she looks.
I’m in therapy, but I’m not sure how much it’s helping. My therapist has also talked about “learning to make myself happy,” but how am I supposed to do that when I feel so alone and frustrated so often?
Why I chose “Pendulum” as my username is because I’ll be 99% sure I want to leave, and then I’ll imagine myself divorced, in a small, crappy place to live with little money, and alone, not living with my boys, and I’ll swing back to being pretty sure I’m staying. But then I’ll think about the rest of my life sleeping alone and having almost no sex life and I’ll swing back to thinking I need to leave.
I’ve thought many times, just like the OP, that we’re just roommates, but in our case we’re not even in the same bed.
To complicate matters further, and just like soconfused, there’s another woman I’ve very close friends with who says she’s interested in dating me “if I’m ever available”, but she doesn’t want me to leave my wife for her. I wouldn’t just for her, for the same reasons as soconfused. But she and I are close enough that we’ve talked about our sexual likes and dislikes and I know we would be much more compatible than my wife and I are. But I’m not even sure that if I do get divorced that this other woman will still be available. She’s literally half my age and very attractive. In my state, you have to be separated for a year before you can get divorced. I don’t even know when I would be “allowed” to date if I do move out. Is it once I file for divorce? File for legal separation?
And I still can’t decide what takes precedence–my happiness, or my wife’s and sons’?
So… it’s been just over a year since I originally posted this.
That was July of last year. I am now divorced, after moving out last November. It’s really interesting to read what I wrote a year ago. What I know now is that my lack of interest in sex was just a piece of it. I think what I managed to lose in our marriage was my sense of passion about so many things and even my sense of myself. I know it’s standard counsel that the initial passion won’t last and that sustaining a marriage takes hard work and commitment. But I can’t help thinking that I bought into that more than was healthy for me, psychologically or even spiritually. I just got so used to setting aside bits and pieces of what I was passionate about, little by little over the years, that I not only lost the sexual or romantic passion for my partner, I lost who I am. And without being consciously aware of it, I became deeply, deeply angry and resentful about that loss. But because I believed that it was unreasonable to expect passion to last and that marriage required work and commitment, I stayed committed and (especially as the marriage began to unravel) we both worked at it. We worked so hard at it, together and with the help of a counselor. But it became clear after a while that it was just time to stop. It was very hard to decide to move out, but having done it and finalized the divorce I am so glad we made that choice. Eight months later, I am continually surprised and saddened at how much of myself I let disappear into the marriage and family life. Not my ex’s fault – I own that. But we got into a pattern that neither one of us could break out of. I’m much better now, on my own.
I’m sad for our kids, especially our son, who at the age of 6 is old enough to really feel the loss of not having the family together. Although he definitely is doing better a number of months down the road. Our daughter, who is 2 (almost 3 now), seems to be settling in OK in the new routine. So, some adjusting for all of us.
Now I just have to figure out what moves me, what I care about, who I am any more.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you have made a good decision.
My Wife have been together for 20 years (married 17, no kids). We are a great team. But there is no longer a spark, and certainly no sex. That left about 10 years ago. Completely. I don’t see any blame on her or my part. We love each other, support each other in every thing we do, and take care of each other. We are both healthy and fit.
We travel great together and have had some wonderful vacations. We like the same movies, music and food, and are excellent house mates. We don’t divide ‘duties’ such as cleaning and cooking. No point in it. We just each do our part, or whatever part that needs to be done. Domestic ‘chores’ are shared without complaint or need to delegate duties.
We never argue. And I mean never. Which may point to a lack of passion. But in reality, we are both live and let live type of people.
We really have a pretty enviable life. No money problems, live in a fantastic place, and are pretty well set to retire in about 6-10 years.
It’s weird. I sure don’t get it. The spark and passion just went away.
This is the first time i post on a board. My husband and i have just decided to get a divorce. We dont have children, so it obviously makes things easier. I’m scared of being on my own after always having a great person by my side for 12 years. I’m 33 so I know I have a life ahead of me, but I have this nagging feeling that he will be the best I could ever find and that I’m making a huge mistake. Why are we separating? We drifted apart. I always knew/thought that things changed over time, and it was more the companionship that kept couples together. After all, it is inevitable that having sex everything day doesn’t last for long, and it’s what is left what makes you realize he is the person for you. But we have come to a point where we don’t even hug, cuddle or kiss, and sex is more like a chore… Last minute on Sunday (because it is impossible during the week), and when it is too late, he is pissed since he can’t fall sleep and will be tired on monday. Sex is ok, nothing expectacular, but I always felt that overall, being him a great person, it didn’t matter. I don’t share my feelings much because it always goes back to him and how he feels (always stressed out for work and since he makes waayyy more than me, that overrides things). We had some great times together, and had lots of fun. He is 15 years older than me and since the beginning I have adjusted to his friends and his world. I was happy with my life (or so I thought) until last week when I was out of town and met a guy (nothing happened, I would never cheat on him) that ignited something in me… Oh what human touch and a little bit of attention can do. So when I got back home, I knew what I was missing. What scares me the most is that I might be wrong… Perhaps marriage is that way and at some point or another, it will get like that. I know I will regret it, but right now I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been crying nonstop, but reading this threat had made me feel that I’m not crazy. I can’t wait to come back in a year from now and share how things are. This is is what has given me hope and had made stop scrying. Thanks!
I’m in the same situation as many who have posted to this thread.
I’ve been married for 20 years. I have 4 children plus we have custody of her nephew. My children are 18, 17, 16, 15 and 11. For me it began about 5 years ago. It was just a subtle feeling that I wasn’t happy and I didn’t know why. For the past 8 years or so, we have only been having sex once every 3 months, if that. When we did have it, it was very mechanical. I would pleasure her, then she would do me, or vice versa. Sex was never spectacular between us. In the past 2 years I started noticing I was having problems staying aroused when we did have sex. I thought it was me but I realized that I was no longer attracted to her.
She is a great mother. She runs the household and keeps the family functioning. We don’t fight and generally get along well. I just don’t love her any more. I was raised Catholic, meaning that I was taught once you get married, you stay married. My parents always taught me that staying together as a family is best for the children, no matter what.
Communication with her also has gotten worse. I’ve never felt like I could be myself with her, even when we first got married.
So here I am being intellectually honest with myself, realizing I no longer love my wife and want to leave her, and that is in conflict with what I was brought up with. So I feel huge waves of guilt for feeling this way.
Add to this that I just recently had surgery on my hip. I was having problems for 9 years, but the worst of it was only in the last 3. So when this pain got so bad, I had to put my feelings aside and deal with the pain. Once they diagnosed me and were able to fix my hip, all those feelings came back with a vengeance. I told my wife I didn’t love her any more and that I wanted to move out. She has been dragging her feet and thinks I’m depressed from being in pain for so long. I don’t think that is the case. I’ve felt this way for a long time and now I’m being intellectually honest with myself, but I can’t help but feel guilty, and that does make me feel depressed.
I feel a little more hopeful now that I’ve read through this thread. I don’t feel so alone and know that I can be happy after all this. Just this morning, my wife told me that she is willing to accept that I need to move out. We are going to talk to the children this weekend and give them a few weeks to get used to the idea. In the mean time we will be planning for what the new normal will be.
Will we divorce? Probably. I don’t see how I can continue to live with her.
Fascinating question… and three years running. Amazing. I initiated divorce in my passionless, room-mate marriage. I loved her, and she was my best friend, but our intimacy was horrible, we’d fight in bed, and both of us dreaded the idea of the other initiating sex.
When I divorced her, I knew it was going to be the most painful I’d ever go through. I also knew she would rebound quickly (she’s very attractive). Both things turned out to be true. As far as regret: sometimes yes, sometimes no. I’m a way better and happier person than I used to be. I needed to grow up, and I wasn’t going to mature very much in our marriage. I do miss her friendship very much.