I think that’s the problem. People are pushing you towards each option. It’s confusing when you get opposite answers.
When I was in high school, most of my social interactions with boys was via the Internet and cell phone. Guys texted me and we developed friendships/relationships. Or we chatted online to get to know each other better. I always felt more comfortable knowing I had time to decide what I was going to say, where in actual conversation you have to nervously come up with something quickly. And people feel less inhibited through a text message/computer screen and can say things they might not be able to say in person.
But I do agree with the poster who said not to play games, that ignoring her in person would make you seem hostile because she hasn’t emailed you. I would just stick to a hello and how are you… and move on. You open that door of communication and if she wants to, she can keep it going.
There are a thousand different ways to play out a thousand different situations. Just like with the OP question, there is no “right” answer. Some 16 year olds are ready to date. Others are not. Some relationships bloom from first establishing a friendship. Others dive right in. Whether it was better to first ask for her number or ask her on a date first is immaterial if you don’t know who you are or what you want.
However, if you’re looking for a humble opinion, I’d say that like most nervous, inexperienced, undersocialized guys it looks like you’ve got all these grand fantasies played out in your head and you term yourself a hopeless romantic. In reality, these plans that you’ve made for yourself all have the “action” pushed off into the indefinite future with “real” progress coming in small incremental steps forward because deep down you fear the ultimate rejection. First get her number. Then date. Then make her your gf. The problem is that she shut you down at the first of these incremental steps. Worse yet, all the while without really knowing if she’d make for a good gf or not.
What you need to do now is to either take a look at yourself and make improvements so that you in turn become more attractive* or look for someone who will accept you as you are.
*Not necessarily physically. You need to demonstrate value. Smart, witty, funny, confident, successful, etc.
If you don’t want to creep her out or scare her off, get her number for a reason… homework help, because you need a buddy to walk your dog with, or to see if she’ll run lines with you for the upcoming play. If you just want to go the direct / possible rejection route, then just ask for a date straight up. But as a former girl myself, I preferred the former. It gave me an opportunity to get to know a guy before I decided if I did, or did not, want to go out with him. And as a bonus, lots of good friendships developed that way first.
Well, she’s acting really cold towards me now. Today, when I said hey to her when I saw her, she gave me a hostile “hi” with no eye-contact or smile which is unusual because before yesterday she always said, “Hey (my name),” in a friendly tone. Maybe she’s just having a bad day but I think she just wants me to go away and pretend she doesn’t exist.
So I think I should just completely back off and not even say “hi”. I mean it’s not like we were really friends. Like I said, she has just sort of been an acquaintance.
The goal of playing hard to get (and variations of it) is to make it look like you have a lot going on in your life, which alleviates pressure on the other person, lets them know you have reasonable expectations (you aren’t going to expect then to fill every need in your life,) and build mystique.
The best way to do this is to actually have a lot going on in your life. Keep up diverse interests, and don’t hone in laser like on one girl. Try to have a few girls you are interested in. It will make you seem more desirable, and it will alleviate a lot of the nerves.
I’m a little late to the party, but figure I might as well put my $.02 in.
First off, teenage girls are weird. Hell, teenagers are weird as a whole. You keep saying that you have to initiate contact with her. I hate to join the chorus, but it sounds like she’s just not that into you. Even if she was, is that the kind of “relationship” you’d want to have, where you make all the effort?
You remind me of some friends I had when I was growing up - you are romanticizing the notion of romance. I’d give her space. It doesn’t seem like she’s given you any reason to think she’d be interested in being anything more than casual acquaintances. And honestly, why do you feel so much pressure to be dating right now? Enjoy the remainder of your high school experience.
Yeah, it could be nice to be dating at this age, but it sounds like your parents keep such a watchful eye on you that you’d be hard-pressed to find a way to enjoy most of the “perks” of being with someone. Maybe if you had more leeway / freedom, it’d be worth it, but frankly, given your situation, I think it might be more hassle than it is worth. After all, most high school relationships don’t make it past the first year of college. If you’d be able to make the most of it while still in high school, that’d be one thing, but I just have the idea that you’re pretty heavily monitored.
I don’t know if my example is one you necessarily want to follow, but here goes:
I have NEVER asked a girl out on a date. Really. Never. I’ve never asked for her phone number.
The girls I dated and the woman I married were all met through other activities - school, clubs, etc. - common interests, basically. By the time we got to the point of calling something “a date” we already had an established relationship. We just took it from the kind of relationship where you do homework or play games together to the kind of relationship where you kiss and sleep together.
Now, this is not a large number and it’s not a style that would fit everyone. Two girls during high school and then my wife that I met in college. For me, this was just fine. The idea of casual dating or casual sex seems totally foreign to me and not something particularly desirable outside of a fantasy.
If this pattern sounds like a fit for you, then go out and find some activities with both genders involved and you’ll start meeting girls. If you want to be a player, with a different hookup every month, then you’ll have to get advice from someone else.
What “perks” are you talking about? My parents know that I hate talking to other people in front of them in general so they would most likely let us see each other alone and go on dates/walks/over each other’s houses with just the two of us alone - that is if they decided to let me date.
But yeah, I know what you mean and this is honestly why I can’t wait until college. Because there I can basically do whatever I want minus maybe having a car for my first two years there (but I will try to talk to them about that too).
This. I have been out of high school for 15 years (damn, has it really been that long?), but I can’t think of a single time that friends had a first date via a formal procedure. A lot of times it would result from a school activity - decorating for a pep rally, club activities, etc. We would be hanging out as a larger group, and people would pair off and spend more time interacting with one particular person while we were all together. Of course, as time progresses, you’ll eventually want the one-on-one experience, but by then, you should have a feel (no pun intended) for how to handle things.
I don’t know… I just worry that you are overthinking matters. Dating (especially in high school) isn’t a formal process.
By “perks”, I was talking about the physical benefits. Maybe I’m not getting a good read on your situation, but something about the “if they decided to let you date” just makes me think that they’d be very involved in whatever relationship you had. Like I said, I don’t know you, but your posts really remind me of more than a few friends I had in high school - so focused on finding someone to date that they end up missing out on everything else high school has to offer. You are 16 years old, you have plenty of time to channel your inner Ted Mosby (of How I Met Your Mother) after you graduate.
I think this “can’t wait until college” plays into your delay fantasy as well. Everything will be better IN THE FUTURE.
Your troubles with your parents aren’t going to magically disappear.
If you can’t talk to people in front of your parents, there are deeper issues at play. Their treating you like a child is only natural because that’s the status quo of the previous 16 years and until you prove that you can articulate a reasonable and mature argument otherwise, that’s how it will remain.
If you can’t tell your parents that you like this girl - regardless of culture - then there are some communication issues you need to work out with them. It’s really not as uncomfortable a conversation as you would imagine. You don’t have to agree with them - just have a conversation.
If you feel like your parents are a major reason why you can’t be yourself or why you’re handicapped when dating then that’s just projection. There’s no reason why you can’t hang out with a girl socially just the same as you would a guy.
Ultimately though it comes back to you. What are you looking for and why? Until you have good reasons for this it’s just going to bubble up as awkward teen frustration.
I’d probably be able to cuddle, hug, and kiss and stuff like that, but I would almost for sure be prohibited from anything sexual. Making out would be the limit because that’s the most physically intimate thing I would be able to do behind my parents’ back reliably.
As for pancakes3 post, I would have told them - if she said “yes” because then I would need permission to date. This awkwardness between me and my parents is more evident between me and my dad. I am not that uncomfortable in front of my mom about these matters. Same thing goes for talking to other people in front of my parents.
And the reason I hate talking to other people in front of my parents is because I am a completely different person out in society and at home. I have two personas. When I am not in front of my parents, I am a completely different person. That’s why I am so uncomfortable in front of my parents because I don’t want to show them my other persona.
That’s another reason I “can’t wait to college”. Because then finally, I can stick to one persona.
Why are you saying that my troubles with my parents won’t magically disappear?
I want a nice, sweet, compassionate, caring, and faithful girlfriend (I am not going to lie, but I also have to be at least somewhat physically attracted to her) whom I can not only return that niceness, sweetness, compassion, care and faithfulness to, but also do romantic things for her thus making me a real romantic rather than a hopeless one. That’s the ideal situation for me and I won’t be able to thank God enough if he ever decides to give me this in life.
Now I know that may be too much to ask for, but that’s the ideal situation for me.
I like the sweet, compassionate, and sensitive type when it comes to girls*. *At least that’s what I think I like and based on taking a few quizzes (a couple months ago) as far as what type of girl you’re attracted to - they say the same thing.
Now why do I want this in life? It’s because I am a lonely hopeless romantic. I am lonely, don’t have a lot of friends, introverted, and shy. I have a lot of love to give - just no one to give it to.
Again, remember - this is the ideal situation for me. Meaning, “Existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect but not likely to become a reality,” as Google defines it.
Now I understand that this may unfortunately make me a little needy or clingy…so this is definitely something I am going to keep in mind when I do finally get into my first relationship.
You may have covered this in other threads, but how big is your school? Are there any extra-curricular clubs or activities that interest you? I know it is a little late in the year now, but there’s always the summer / upcoming fall.
To a degree (barring anxiety or other issues), loneliness is somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t try and put yourself out there, it’s hard to fix. Even if you do something like volunteer to help set up at a pep rally, the physical labor won’t require you to interact with people, but will give you good opportunities to do so. Also, that’s usually a “female-heavy” activity, which would give you ample openings to talk to girls. (“Where would you like me to put this?”, “What do I need to do to help?”, etc.)
AU, it sounds like my childhood was a lot like yours. I am also a child of Indian immigrants who was painfully shy as a kid. I remember all too well how desperate that phase of my life was and how emotionally and mentally painful.
. I won’t tell you that everything changes when you get older. Dating never gets easy for some people. But what you can work on is being more comfortable with yourself.
Also all those burning feelings of loneliness and alienation and misunderstanding, embrace them. Use them as a gift. Do you play an instrument, song, write stories or poems, paint, draw comic books? Put your feelings into something that you can claim as something you created yourself.
It’s good you’re aware of the possibility of being too needy/clingy. When I was 30 I had my first girlfriend in 8 or 9 years, and I think that’s what scared her off after a few months. Fortunately I realized that and kept in in mind next time I started dating one, and she turned out to be the one. We were both at a point in our lives where we were established career-wise, knew what we wanted, and just clicked.
I wish I could tell how you know when someone is interested in you, but after almost half a century on this planet I still don’t have a clue. I almost always guessed wrong.
Well… with my wife, we were hanging out at my apartment after some event and I realized it was now 2 a.m. and we were still talking. I didn’t want to make any moves that wouldn’t be appreciated, but I was pretty sure she wouldn’t be at my place at that time without some intent to take it up a level. I said “So, where do we go from here?” She knew I wasn’t talking about geographic locations because her response was “You can kiss me.” I’m stopping there before I go into TMI territory.
One of my girlfriends in high school was the one who took the lead. We were on the drive back from a church trip to Magic Mountain, and we were alone in the back of the van with seats blocking us from anyone else’s view. She reached over and put my hand on her breast. There’s no missing *that *signal, let me tell you.