I think instead of fixating on things 2-5 years in the future you should work on yourself in the here and now. Are you getting your license? More importantly, are you enjoying your high school years? Are you challenging yourself and broadening your horizons? As you grow into an individual and mature into an adult, your parents and your peers will start seeing you in a different light.
You get the grades and check off awards/accomplishments and your parents will start trusting your judgment more and more and loosen up on the restrictions. When you raise points of contention that you disagree with, do so maturely and calmly - focusing on what is right rather than who is right. Be forthright. Be honest. It’s not “rebelling”. It’s having a conversation. A parent would be much likely to acquiesce to a well argued case that you need a car to practice driving NOW because you’ve got an job/internship lined up for the summer that you need to drive to than you saying that you’ve been a good boy and you reaaaaallly want to drive around and hang out and date girls and stuff.
As you gain confidence in yourself and become a more interesting person, you’ll stand out more to your peers. The key to making it in high school is to never be embarrassed. Case in point, with this girl? Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t ignore her. Don’t hate her. Don’t do anything. Continue to be pleasant and convivial with her as if her rejecting you is no big deal because… it’s no big deal. If everyone had an emotional breakdown every time there were unmatched expectations the world will drown in its own tears within the hour. Plus if she decides to be a cold bitch to everyone who asked her out and she rejected, odds are that she’s a cold bitch anyway and it’s better you learn that now than later.
Pancakes3 is giving you some excellent advice. Focus on you and developing yourself. Parents will be less likely to acquiesce if you throw a temper tantrum, rebel, etc. I will say that, while it might have worked for Charlie Wayne, I would highly recommend against his advice. From what you’ve posted in this thread and others, it would appear that your parents still view you as a kid (which, to a certain degree, you still are). Rebelling or “acting out” might only reinforce that viewpoint.
You need to let your parents see that you are capable of making mature decisions. YMMV, but I found that questioning my parents stances on matters and making rational arguments against certain stances worked wonders when I was growing up. This is not a matter of merely saying “Why?” every time they give you a rule / command / etc., but instead saying something along the lines of “Why don’t you want me to have a car? If I’m going to be going to ‘X University’, I will need transportation because things are not centralized and relying on others to provide transportation may not be the wisest option…”
For the record, I didn’t have a car when I was in college, but that’s because I went to college halfway across the country and it was very much a “college town” atmosphere where everything was within walking / biking distance. It didn’t make sense for me to drive the 1,000+ miles just so I could make an occasional road trip, especially when there was readily available public transportation.
I do not have a permit and my parents as of now probably don’t see me learning how to drive until I graduate high school. I am not enjoying my high school years at all. It has been extremely alienating and lonely and for the past couple of months, I have been mildly depressed because of all these things. I used to challenge myself beginning of last year academically but that sort of just faded. I still get pretty good grades, but not straight A’s (more like low A’s and high B’s).
I can make good grades; it’s just that for these past couple of months, it’s been really hard to focus on my work with all this stuff going on in my head. And they won’t think I need a car for a job/internship because they will drive me there. And by car do you mean my own car or borrowing my parents’? Because the former is out of the question and the latter is extremely unlikely. Look, if they aren’t even content with me having a car in my first two years of college, what makes you think they will let me have one now? They don’t even want me to start learning how to drive until I get to college.
Well I don’t know how I could do that. She won’t even look at me when I pass her in the halls. Yesterday, I said “hey” to her when I passed her in the hallway and she flat-out ignored me and didn’t even look or smile. I am not butthurt about the rejection so much - and I did try to be convivial with her even after the rejection, but it seems like she just hates me now for asking for her number.
I agree. By rebel I mean’t more like asking and standing up to them respectfully.
See but I don’t know what university I am going to yet. They know another Indian family who’s son went to UConn (one college I am planning on applying for) and even though UConn is in a rural setting, they still didn’t give him a car until he was 21 and he was really mature too. His parents drove him from and to university. My parents are looking at him as a model for me, basically.
No, I have a little sister.
The reason I was focusing on the future is I have became hopeless about now, but I think that if I can have total freedom after graduating high school, then that’s not too bad either. I only have 2.5 years more of this alienation, loneliness, and captivity, and if I get assured freedom and independence after high school, I will have something to look forward to.
But man this is going to be a long 2.5 years. Time is just so slow…honestly…the beginning of February feels like so long ago. I have told my friends (which I also don’t have a lot of) that I wish there was a time machine to fast-forward my life 2.5 years and they understand why too. It’s not just my parents and lack of freedom - that’s only half of it. It’s also how alienated I am at my school.
This is missing the point entirely. The point of asking yourself what you want isn’t for you to describe your ideal girlfriend. It’s for you to be honest with yourself and realistic about your expectations.*
Sweetness, niceness, compassion, and faithfulness are all very good qualities to have but are more or less the same attribute - and not a very substantial one at that. You should also look for someone who you find interesting, funny, smart, driven, etc.
Basically I asked you to be real and practical and you described a fantasy. You shouldn’t be walking your school’s halls looking for a fairy tale princess. You should be walking the halls interacting and socializing with people (both genders). Then when you hit on a specific girl that catches your eye, assess her as a person. Fall in love with her actions of sweetness, niceness, and compassion - not empty platitudes.
You say you have a lot of love to give and no one to give it to but that’s just flat out BS. Why do you have to focus all of your love on your girlfriend? Why can’t you just love everyone and see who reciprocates? Be nice to EVERYONE. Be considerate to EVERYONE. Shyness and introversion has nothing to do with this.
*Are you looking for true love or just someone to hang out with? Why? What do you want to do with this girl - not long term, but right now? Are you going to get romantic right off the bat or just test your compatibility to start with? Why? What do you like about her? What don’t you like about her? Is she unique? Is she interesting? Do you get along? Does one of you like the other way more than vice versa? Are you ok with this? These are the questions you should be asking yourself.
Look, AU. I can’t tell you how to deal with your parents verbatim. We’re only offering advice. If you’re so adamant that things are going to be the way they are, ok. You don’t have to rebut every single piece of advice with why you can’t or why it’s unlikely. Ok, so the girl is now cold to you. You’ll have to deal with that. We all have. Your parents are being very controlling. You’ll have to deal with that too. If they really are going to drive you to and from your internship every single day, then they’ll do that. You can only point out the lunacy of it all. You say your hormones are keeping you from getting straight A’s. Ok. You’ll have to deal with that as well. Advice is just empty words on the internet. How you respond to your challenges are just part and parcel with being alive. I really want to help but I also don’t want this to be an exercise in futility - or even a pity party.
Alright man. You make a lot of good points and the thing is while I may appear adamant about things right now, if there is a way, I do want the current status quo to change.
I will get back to you in a few hours with a more complete reply. I don’t want to give up just yet actually. I know it sounded like I did with my last reply. What I meant is IF this continues, it will be a long 2.5 years. But in reality, I still have an ounce of hope to make the current status quo better.
Alright thanks, I will keep this in mind. Except, for 3 and 4, I am not looking for a fairy tale princess. And I am trying to open up and socialize with more people. I am just starting to set at a new table at lunch and a girl I played a match against at the tennis club sits there so I am talking to her. I am trying to get out of my comfort-zone like you people said. I also understand that I am going to make a lot of mistakes. I follow Jad T Jones on YouTube and he said that a successful person makes a lot more mistakes than an average person. So he said to not be afraid to make mistakes and to get out there and take risks.
Also, I am nice and considerate to everyone. Everyone I talk to that is, which isn’t a lot at the moment because of my shyness and introversion. I may come off as cold early on and seem like I am not interested in talking to the person, but it’s really just me being shy. And I am working on that too.
Alright, so I think the problem is that my parents are being controlling because I haven’t really said anything in opposition to them yet. I have just been going along with what they want for the most part to avoid conflict.
I think the first step is talking about my future (in 2.5 years) so I can at least get what I want there. The next time we talk about college (because we do every few days), I will start out by telling them that the reason I want a car for college is because for starters, chances are I am going to try to go for colleges that are in a rural setting. So a car is much more necessary because not everything is close to you. Then I will address how they are expecting to pick me up and drive me there every week or two and tell them that once I leave for college, I don’t want to be under their influence any longer and that I want to start living my own life, which is another reason I want a car - I want to be independent. See, they don’t agree with the American ways of doing things - how after 18 you become independent. But I will tell them that that is what I want and that I want to be free from their supervision and live my own life. Not that I am going to completely rule out coming home, but I am not planning on coming home as often as they expect, at least not after a few months when I get over the home sickness. I will tell them that I would still probably visit them, but not like every week or two, but more like every couple of months or so because I want to have fun on the weekends and will probably have plans a lot of the time, so that’s why I won’t be able to come home that often. And that gives me another reason to have a car in college - because I want to hang out and go places during the weekends and I will even admit to them that part of the reason I want a car is to make dating easier. So basically, I will be telling them that I am declaring independence in 2.5 years and that I am not always going to be their “little boy”.
They will probably be angry or sad but the reality is, they won’t be able to stop me. However, if I can, I don’t want to leave home with this “fuck you - I do what I want” mentality because if I do that, they won’t be financially supporting me. But that’s the other thing I wanted to ask. In the case that it does come down to me having to leave home with that mindset, how should I prepare for that? How much money should I have saved by the time I leave for college? How much will I need to make during college? These are all important questions I will need to entertain because I definitely want to be prepared to be able to move out for college with no financial support from my parents in case that’s what it comes down.
And as a side note, if the topic comes up, I will tell them that I think it’s unrealistic for them to expect for me to live with them after graduate school until getting married because first of all, how am I supposed to get married in the first place if I am not out living on my own and meeting women? But that’s really far down the line and I probably won’t touch on that just yet.
So that’s what I am going to say to them as far as 2.5+ years from now goes.
Now as far as the status quo, there’s not much I can do except that I will tell them about me and my interest in girls once I actually have a date. I will just tell them that a girl said “yes” to go on a date with me and handle their objections from there. I will tell them things like “it’s natural”, “it’s a good opportunity that I don’t want to miss”, “it’s good for getting experience so that I have a more comfortable dating life later on”, and that the main reason is “I want to”, not because other people are doing it - that’s irrelevant to me - though I will also use that as an argument for how here in America, it’s very common and that having a girlfriend at this age is no big of a deal that they’re making out to be and how only 1-2% of high school relationships turn into marriages.
As far as having a car right now, I don’t need one really. That’s why I have no basis for asking for one. The internship is like ten minutes away and on the way to where my dad works.
The reason it would be nice to have a car right now really would be to make dating easier - again. However, I heard that it isn’t frowned upon to be driven by your parents do your date if you’re still high school and under. It’s once you leave high school that you have to worry about having a car and all.
Now let’s talk about that girl who rejected me. It’s fine. I don’t really even care that much anymore. I am more than half over her now. I just don’t know how to act when I run into her. I mean as a test I did and said nothing and pretended she didn’t exist when I ran into her and noticed that she didn’t say “hey” or anything. She just completely ignores me now, so I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be convivial with her at this point. I think the best option for me is to just completely shut off any acknowledgement or contact with her because that’s what *she *is doing to me.
Do you think this is a good plan? If so, I will do all this and update this thread accordingly and then we can take it from there.
Now here’s another thing I am going to ask. I know this will look extremely pathetic and insecure and that my looks *are *going to change so this isn’t the be all end all. But how can I improve my current looks (I know my glasses are poorly put-on but disregard that for now) so that I have better luck? That’s also something I am not secure about either. Essentially, I am insecure about almost everything right now. But if you have constructive criticism in order to help me improve my looks, that would be great.
If you’re at a rural college you’re likely going to have less need for a car in practical terms. I think you’re making a mistake by fixating on the car issue.
I think you are very very good looking. On a scale of one to ten, an eight. You do have a massive amount of eyebrows, but I think you should keep them. If you tried to thin them out and it went wrong, it could be a disaster!
How so? Not that I am dismissing your opinion - I just don’t understand why being at a rural college means less need for a car and how I am making a mistake by fixating on the car issue.
Alright and thank you. Do you think I would look better with contacts?
And I just want to take a moment to thank all of you for your time. I understand I am asking for a *lot *of advice and I appreciate you guys taking the time to help me out with this.
I agree w/ Dung Beetle. There’s nothing wrong with the way you look. You’re cute (saying that in a non-creepy, over the internet way). I wouldn’t beat yourself up over your appearance.
I think you are wise to write that girl off. It’s fairly apparent that nothing is going to come of it. Here’s the deal, though. Don’t be that guy who completely snubs someone, to the point where you make it obvious that you aren’t acknowledging her. I’m not saying that you should continue reaching out to her, but if you walk by her, just smile and nod your head. It’ll come across far worse if you treat her as if she’s invisible. It will look petty and will draw negative attention to you. If you make a point to avoid / ignore her, you’re letting her know that she still has some space in your head. From what I’ve seen, the worst thing she did was not give you her number. That’s far from “you are dead to me” territory.
Did you ever answer whether you have a license or a permit? That’s obviously going to be a major factor in the “car” situation. If you don’t have one, I would at least appeal to your parents to teach you to drive. It will help you have a foot in the door, if / when the “I want a car for college” issue comes down the road. They’ll be able to hold it over your head that they don’t want you learning to drive while you are away from their supervision. It might sound foolish, but that is an arrow you’ll want in your quiver for when the car discussion comes up, around your Senior year.
I’ve gotta say that I don’t really know of anyone, once they reached driving age, who would have their parents chaperon their dates. That was one of the joys of turning 16 - the freedom. Now, YMMV, in that there is a generational & regional difference in your experience and mine. I’d be hard-pressed to believe that it’s common nowadays for legal drivers to be sitting in the backseat while mom or dad takes them to the movies.
Being the oldest child, you’ll have to understand that everything is new for your parents as well. This is the first time they’ve had to deal with everything, just as it is yours. So, if you aren’t speaking up about concerns or questioning some of their parenting choices, they probably aren’t going to know that there could be a better alternative. They are just thinking that you are happy with the status quo. My ex would always complain about how, as the oldest child, he was under a much more watchful eye, whereas his sister 10 years younger, would get away with things he could only have dreamed of at her age. Odds are, your parents will loosen up, but you need to let them know to do so.
It has already been mentioned in this thread that at a traditional residential campus, all your basic needs are within walking distance.
Furthermore not having a car in that situation forces you to interact more with your fellow students and vice versa, a perfect situation for a shy person – hundreds or even thousands of single people your age loose from home got the first time eager to meet new people and have new experiences.
You’ll be free of your high school baggage and if you play things right (following the advice given here to become interesting) people (including girls!) are more likely to be curious about you.
You’re setting up an unnecessary showdown with your parents which you will lose. If somehow you managed to win it, you will find that it doesn’t help your social life and might harm it (see above).
And telling your parents now how much you will not want to visit them in three years is not going to make things easier for you. Besides if they’re going to have to come pick you up for every visit, before too long they might get tired of doing that.
I don’t think the glasses detract from your looks. I hesitate to recommend contact lenses because I wear them myself and they aren’t fun to take care of, but they do have some good points too, especially if you’re into physical activity.
No, I have no permit or license. However, I am going to request a permit one year before I leave for college so that I can learn and get used to all the conditions. The thing is, they are going to ask “why?” and then I am going to have to tell them at whole story about how I want to declare independence in 2.5 years.
So I am going to have to tell them that whole background soon.
But then again, there are two sides to this issue. Acsenray thinks a car for college, even in a rural setting is unnecessary, so I don’t know. Acsenray, it really comes down to whether I will be fine as far as dating goes. That’s the main thing. And also, how will I go places on the weekends without a car? I don’t want to just be at campus the whole time - sometimes, I am going to want to leave campus on the weekends to do stuff/hang out/date.
I like to get to know someone as a person first, but I kept trying that with my sister’s secretary and it never worked out so I finally asked her on a date. We’ve now been married for 27 years. Don’t be afraid to ask someone on a date!
Get involved in things! Anything! school clubs, sports, band, anything. Just pick something and do it.
Deal with it. Your parents are under no obligation to send you to college. Be grateful that they plan to. They have no obligation to provide you a car. If you can make enough money to buy one and pay the insurance, great. If not, it’s no big deal.
After graduation, live at home until you have a job and have enough money to move out. Be happy you have this option. After you are earning your own way and providing for yourself, train your parents to realize that they can request things of you but not dictate them. Of course, you would continue to show respect and gratitude for the things they’ve done for you. But they can no longer dictate. Just say “I’m sorry, but I won’t do that.”
Hell no! At least, not at UMICH in 1975-80. Probably 10% of students had cars. If possible, though, try to pick a school that’s in a city or town with good transport, where you’re not stuck on a small rural campus. But even if you are, so are a lot of others. You’ll have plenty of company. (A big rural campus could be quite nice, but I have no experience.)
In any case, if you need a car, find a way to provide yourself with one.
If your high school offers drivers ed, be sure to take it. If not, you’ll have to get private driver’s ed, assuming you can’t talk your parents into it. In any case, it’s less important than a lot of other things, even in this car-crazy country.
After you graduate college and get a job, you’ll need a car to get to work. It’s not best to wait until you need something to prepare for it, so that’s an argument you might use with your parents. But they might use their plan for you to stall this until you’re nearly ready to graduate college. That would be overly controlling of them, by American standards, and America is where they choose to live. Regardless, it’s their prerogative to try to use this to control you, and the only way you can avoid it is to either not let it be an issue (just deal with it) or to handle it yourself. Your choice.
One of the big lessons in life is that you can’t control other people. It’s up to you to deal with things. Good luck!
Answer: It’s an important part of preparing for life in the US. It’s generally handled in high school ages. The college doesn’t have a class (check this first, maybe they do … if so, just take it!)
Here’s another thing to keep in mind. When you’re at college, YOU will select your courses. Your parents will see what you’ve selected, so don’t try to hide anything, just be open and up front and say you did it and give your reasons if you want to, or not. Then they have two alternatives: stop paying for college, or continue paying for college.
Of course, they may keep badgering you. Another one of the big lessons in life is that people only have the power over you that you give them.
As a minor, they have some legal control over you. And as a dependent, you’re … well, dependent on them for a lot of things. But you’d be surprised at how little power they actually have over you, other than what you give them.
And it makes sense to give your parents a lot of power over you. Just be aware that YOU have a lot of control over this. If you give them power, do it for a reason that makes sense to you. (If I don’t do x, they’ll take away my bicycle. My bicycle is more important than x. Or better: I want their respect, so I’ll respect their rules in their home. Etc.)
As a kid, there was one family friend my sister’s age who realized that her parents had zero power on her. If they grounded her, she ignored it. They could take away all her stuff, fine. She did whatever she wanted (and made quite a nuisance of herself about it, too). IMHO, she abused the power, but it was a powerful message.
I didn’t want the kind of relationship she chose to have with her parents. But it was nice to know that it was my choice to do so.
You don’t have to get into the whole thing about declaring independence. Just tell them that it would be a good skill to have, like knowing how to change a tire or something along those lines. If that fails, stress that a driver’s license is a common form of government identification - something you’ll be needing a lot in life. I don’t know many people who carry their passport around on a regular basis, and while they could just recommend getting a “government ID”, the three of you have already established that you will be getting a car eventually, so why not cut out the middleman?
“Declaring independence.” You aren’t a colony. Here’s a fun fact, odds are, you won’t ever be completely independent from your parents. I’m not saying that you’ll need to rely on them for financial support for the rest of your life or anything along those lines, but, it sounds like you have a good relationship with them, and as such, you will find yourself needing to lean on them in the future, if only for a sympathetic ear now and then. Please do not use the term “declare independence” if / when you have that conversation. I can almost guarantee you that it won’t go over well.
A car may or may not be necessary. At my college, pretty much everything was self-contained or within walking / biking distance. Now, I did find myself taking a few road trips with friends, but it was a luxury, not a necessity. Whether or not you need a car for college will depend on a variety of factors - “where you choose to attend” being the predominant one. Public transportation could be the norm. You say that you want to attend college in a more rural environment, but you still have a few years where that could change.
I get that you are a teenager, and as such you have certain priorities, but I really think you are putting too much emphasis on the “dating” thing. It’ll happen, but the more you try to force it, the more difficult it is going to be. Focus on friends and meeting people. If something more springs from the interaction, then great, but it looks like you need to get some confidence. Friends will help with that. Most of the relationships I know of (both back when I was your age and even now, in my early-to-mid 30s) stemmed from friendships or from hanging out without preconceived agendas. My ex of eight years and I met when we were both in town over Christmas break, and we just didn’t have anyone else to hang out w/, so we decided to see a movie one night. It was not a date, but just two guys who were bored and wanted some company.
When I read the OP’s posts in this thread, I get the feeling they could have been written for one of the characters in the sitcom “Big Bang Theory”. I’m referring to the character Raj Koothrappali.
It’s hard to explain exactly why. But the OP’s attitudes towards women seem to be very much identical to his. He often expresses attitudes that are unrealistic and I wonder if the OP knows about that sitcom or that character and if so whether he feels there is any similarity between his attitudes and those of the OP.
