Dating, hanging out, doing stuff in college—particularly a traditional, rural, residential college—has zero to do with having a car.
If that is the case, I shouldn’t have to worry too much about the lack of having a car.
I think the thing that will get me is this sense of being “watched” by my parents. Ideally, I want total freedom. I am not saying I won’t consider any of my parents’ opinions but I want them to have zero forceful influence on my life after I leave for college.
So I was thinking - how hard would it be to go to college and pay for everything myself? Because the freedom and independence go hand in hand. If I want to have total freedom from them, I also have to have zero reliance on them. It’s an inverse relationship between reliance and freedom. As reliance decreases, freedom increases. So the less I rely on my parents, the more freedom I will have. So 100% freedom, what I would like ideally, means I must have 0% reliance. Right now, they are planning on paying for college. However, if they are reluctant to let me be and I am reluctant to them controlling my life, the consensus will most probably be, “Fine, you want to do whatever you want - you pay for everything.”
In that case, how hard is it for a college freshman to pay for everything themselves (college fees, food, water, clothes, everyday supplies, *and *have money left over for other stuff like dating, hanging out, etc while having zero reliance on their parents?
How many hours per week will I be looking at as for as working goes in college and how much should I work and save up from now until I leave? I am willing to start working right now and start saving up if that’s what it takes. Let’s evaluate this for:
A college that costs $10,000, $20,000, $30,000, and $40,000 per year - all of those scenarios.
Let’s assume the college student decides to not purchase a car until he is 21 for now.
It’s not that I don’t love my parents and I really don’t want to give off that vibe. It’s just that I don’t want them controlling my life - that’s all.
The main thing is, I don’t want them picking me up from college every weekend, nor them telling me not to get a girlfriend or have sex until I am “21”. Not that I necessarily will do those things before 21 (for all we know, a girl might not even say “yes” until then), but I still want to have the option and freedom to, and not have my parents getting in the way of my chances.
The thing is, the reason they are planning to pay for my college is so I can “focus on studies”, but if they find out that I am dating and having sex, then they will ask, “Why should we pay for you if you’re not even going to take the advantage we want you to take of us paying for you? We are paying for you so you can focus on your studies, not so you can date girls.” and quit paying for me. That’s why I am asking, if I end up having to pay for myself, will I be able to do it?
Sorry if these questions are obvious to answer or dumb or whatever, but I am really clueless about how stuff works financially after high school. So I’d like to know, would I be able to financially support myself? And if so, what would it take for me to do so (see post 141 for more details)?
Yeah, there is that. And the cultural shock thing with his parents.
Supporting yourself in college is tough. It can be done, but it’s tough.
But dude, just don’t tell your parents everything. It’s that simple. As long as you are keeping up good grades and can be pleasant and engaging when you are home, they aren’t going to be able to tell that you spent Wednesday night making out in the library. Give them the sanitized version, and remind yourself that they don’t need to hear the details of your sex life, just like you don’t need to hear the details of theirs.
Eventually, they will realize that you are growing into your own person, and will give up on some of the stuff they’ve planned. There is nothing like college to improve tense relationships with parents.
Bottom line is, when you turn 21, you don’t “level up” and all of a sudden are equipped to be able to have sex or a girlfriend. Life doesn’t work that way. For that reason, I wonder if there is some sort of miscommunication between your parents and you. They are adults and they should understand as such.
Let’s say your birthday is March 23rd. You are 20 and you meet a girl who is really into you and she asks you out on March 22nd. However, due to your parents’ rules, you have to decline. However, she’s persistent, because she’s really into you and asks you out the next day. Since you’ve turned 21, all of a sudden, it’s okay? I’d approach your parents with a situation such as that. I understand that there are certain baselines for conduct / permissible behavior, and for all I know, your parents might be using those as standards for raising you, but frankly, they make no sense. I’d present it as such (not being quite as abrasive as I am in this analysis.).
Just ask them what they think you would learn between “21st birthday - 1 day” versus “21st birthday” that would validate their viewpoint on the situation. I think the frustrating thing here is that you admit that you don’t “come clean” with them about your thoughts / feelings. I’m not trying to invalidate your claims as to their stances, but until you offer a counterpoint to them, it’s hard to tell you how to handle issues outside of “let them know how you feel in a rational, adult manner.” On the board, you’ve articulated multiple viable angles, and ones that would deserve a response from them, if they were ever to see them.
I know you’ve said that you feel like a different person when trying to discuss these issues with them, but have you ever thought about writing your feelings / thoughts out and just handing it to them, or leaving it on the counter for them to read, so that you don’t have to be there when they see it? Or, frankly, if you wanted to take the time to go through the thread and copy / paste certain sentences and thoughts, you could craft a compelling argument that way.
Very seriously, AU, I think you should set aside this idea of “declaring your independence.” You don’t need that right now. You don’t need a showdown with your parents. You don’t need to freak them out. You don’t need everything all at once. Just work on your personal development and your social skills for now. If you start interacting with other people in positive ways, you just might find yourself less discontented.
+1.
Baby steps, AU.
Smile. And get a haircut. You look like a stern monk.
Make sure they won’t find out, then. You’ll be living by yourself, hundreds of miles from them. Unless they put bugs and cameras in your bedroom…
And maybe they won’t be as strict about this as you think they will be, too. Even if they find out, if they’re invested in your future, they’re likely to learn to deal with it rather than stop paying for your education. Parents most often eventually learn that they can’t avoid the unavoidable. They might have planned in their head your life from now to your marriage (and beyond), but parent’s plans, strangely, are rarely followed by their offsprings. And it generally doesn’t result in cut bridges.
Anyway, I’m not sure why you’re focusing so much about college. At your age, 2.5 years is a long time. You could change during those 2.5 years. Wait, scrape that. You will change during those 2.5 years. The attitude of your parents might change too. If I were you, I would focus much more on the here and now. Rather than planning on declaring your independance 2.5 years down the road, try to get some bit of independance now. Try to focus on interacting with/dating people now rather than wondering about whether or not a car will score you girls in 2.5 years.
Oh, and don’t tell your parents you intend to declare independance in 2.5 years, especially since your plans too might change between now and then (this coming from someone who did declare independance right after high school but didn’t expect to do it 2.5 years before).
I had prepared a much longer response, but my browser froze or something, so here’s the short version. Perhaps that’s for the best.
I actually speak from experience here, I’ve realized, to my surprise. Here’s an example for you: I have never liked my peers more than I liked my high school marching (and concert) bandmates. People involved in group endeavors like that bond in a peculiar way that fills quite a need. Even if you aren’t friends per se, you become brethren, a sort of family, and in any case, countless friendships and more than a few romances are born of this sort of thing.
That’s why people in this thread keep making those sorts of recommendations. Picture it: you’re spending time with your peers, getting to know them and vice versa. Some of them will be girls! There will be times they’ll pick you up, or you’ll tag along with them after school, because you’re working on a project, or you’re just hanging out, or both. Your parents will hear all about your friends, and probably meet them, and they’ll see your growth, involvement, happiness and so on. That seemed to make my parents proud, and it should do the same for yours.
Maybe you’ll get to a position where you can actually “date” in the way you describe, but if not, so what? As you can see, there are other ways you can find to spend time with girls over the next few years. Regarding sex, keep in mind that there are various sexual options, some much much safer than others! In any case, hell, you have accurate sex-ed available online from Planned Parenthood, Advocates for Youth, and others.
Have you thought about getting into cycling? Riding bikes with a girl is delightful, and while I realize the weather can be a problem at times, isn’t that how young folks in India do it, even if they aren’t theoretically dating either, wink-wink-nudge-nudge-say-no-more?
Regarding college, never mind the car; apply to places where they can’t come get you all the time, and, more importantly, apply for all the scholarships, grants, and other money you can find. Or go to Canada! Seriously, it’s a great deal!
If only I hadn’t been such a neurotic, depressed mess when I was your age, and for many years afterward… sigh.
Seriously, stop with obsessing over specific details of your future. The future has a way of messing with your well laid plans. Much better to make general plans, imagining many different positive outcomes.
You should instead, focus on what you should be learning now: how to be at ease talking to girls, both friends and crushes, etc.
It’s the single most important skill toward scoring with girls, in truth. Better to practice and master it now, while you’re just one in a crowd of awkward teenage boys, than at college where you will stand out as a young man still awkward as a teenager!
You cannot control or shape the future, it will unfold as it will, regardless of plans made. Focus instead on where you are now!
Good Luck!
Alright, because the general consensus seems to be to focus on right now and slowly gain independence now. So let’s focus on now. But before, I just want to say that the only reason I was planning so much for the future is I want to be geared up for the worst, which is if my parents decide to not financially support me at all unless I abide to their ways. In that case, I will have to pay for everything myself and the reason I am asking about that now is that it might be a good idea for me to start working and saving up some money in the next 2.5 years so that it is possible for me to be completely independent. That’s the only reason I was asking - and of course I also don’t want to set false expectations in my parents’ minds that I am going to come home every week or not move out until I get married.
But let’s talk about now. So you’re saying that it’s a good idea for me to just start approaching random girls in the hallway and talk to them? Like if I see a cute girl in the hall, go up and start talking to her? And also try sitting at some new tables at lunch? I am starting to do these things…
This is the part I am uneasy about.
You guys need to understand that I have never actually hung out. I basically come home from school every day and for the most part stay there. On Mondays and Tuesdays I work out at home, on Wednesday, I go for violin lessons, on Thursday I go for an extra orchestra class later in the evening at school which my parents drive me to. On Friday, I go for tennis at some private place which has people of all ages. I am a total noob and I just play tennis for fun and exercise once a week. On Saturday, I stay home the whole day or maybe might go out with my family occasionally. On Sunday, I go for a three-hour orchestra rehearsal in the middle of the day. Anyway, that’s not the point of me telling you all this. The point I am trying to make is I am still a little child! A child who comes home from school every day like an elementary-school kid and occasionally goes for activities. My parents expect me to go to bed at 9:30 PM which I also break and a lot of times don’t until 10:00 PM for various reasons and they get mad. I hardly ever stay after school and it’s usually to make up a quiz or something like that. I have no social life outside of school! I have never hung out with friends! How sad is that? I don’t know how to!
The problem is that they are already complaining about me going through sudden changes. In reality, all I have done is made improvements to my appearance and hygiene! And they are already commenting on it. So how would I go about asking them? It’s going to be a sudden shock to them! The other thing is how do you hang out without being able to drive? Do I just ride my bike? I think that’s what it is. I don’t even know where people hang out. I don’t know anything about hanging outside of school! Please fight my ignorance! And explain to me how I am supposed to talk to my parents about this?
Sorry that I sound so agitated in this reply. For some reason, I am just really stressed and confused and my little sister was bothering me when I was typing this.
Wait even more sad, I don’t have friends like that. I only have one good friend and he isn’t allowed to hang out.
Like I said, I am extremely alienated from everyone.
By the way, OurLordPeace. I love your date idea - riding bikes with a girl. I thought about that before but dismissed it initially because I thought most giels arent interested in riding bikes. But yeah, I ride my bike a lot on the trail in the summer - alone - which my parents complain about.
Hmmm… You’re more isolated than I would have thought.
Couldn’t you find a sudden interest in an activity involving peers? For instance team sports? Is the orchestra you belong to a school orchestra or does it include people of various ages?
Anyway, I’m surprised that the other students don’t invite you at their place, or to hang out with them. Have you so little interaction with them?
I’m surprised that so many people have advised you to start talking with girls that appeal to you.
The reason I’m surprised is that I believe the following is far more important for any single young man who wants to meet a lady and establish a relationship:
The most important thing you can do is to work on yourself. In order for any girl/lady to find you interesting there are a few prerequisites and if you fail any of these, you will almost certainly have no chance to establish a successful relationship with a lady.
First and foremost, you must be clean and your living space must be clean.
So, the first thing to you must do is also the most important and it is to evaluate your personal appearance. Your appearance must be clean. Your clothing must be clean. Your clothing must be reasonably attractive. You must smell nice.
There are a few items that will immediately turn off any lady you approach and they are:
. If you smell bad, you can forget ever establishing a relationship with a lady. Almost no girl/lady would ever have anything to do with a boy/man who smells. Understand? This is by far the most important piece of advice anyone could ever give you. It may sound silly. But any young man who does not appreciate the importance of this, has virtually no chance at happiness with the opposite sex. Understand? This just cannot be over appreciated.
So, you must clean up your person, your clothing, your living space and your car (if and when you get one).
Any young man who invites a lady to his living space and she finds a dirty bathroom, that is an immediate failure. She will be gone and she will never have anything more to do with you.
The importance of these things cannot be over emphasized. They are the most important things you can do. Failure to do any of these things are like a terminal cancer when it comes to your chances at happiness with a lady.
I’ve written this on the fly and so it may not be very well put together. But I hope you will understand just how important these things are - despite how silly they may seem to you.
I already have all that taken care of man. My hygiene is really good and I have gotten my mom to buy me over 250 dollars worth of new clothes . And if I invite a girl over, I would obviously clean it all up but it is a pretty clean house already for the most part.
And sorry again if I sounded immature with my last major post. You know, lately, a lot of the time I am just so stressed and agitated thinking about these things. I have been having a lot of trouble focusing on my school work lately too.
But now I have gotten it out by playing tennis so tonight I will be temprarily able to post more calmly and reasonably. By the way, I was just playing against another girl that I have started talking to at my school.