Elderly woman: Bert, will you take me to the movies?
Elderly man: Yes.
EW: When we’re in the movie theater, can I hold your hand?
EM: Yes.
EW: Then when the lights go down, can I hold your thingy?
EM: No.
EW: But last week, when you took Enid to the movies, you let her hold your thingy.
EM: That’s because Enid has Parkinson’s.
I have a dim memory of that being the punchline to a ‘book’ joke (e.g. Hole In The Mattress by Mister Completely or Under The Bleachers by Seymore Butts) with the author being ‘Hoogoosta Moose’. I recall not liking that one very much, since I’d never heard of anyone named ‘Hoogoosta’.
My memory has it the same way. Man, there were sure a bunch of those “books.”
I was going OK until I got to TLD’s joke. I laughed so hard I had to lay my head down to avoid blacking out.
Ahhhh! A clue! That might help. Thanks.
The title being sought is Antlers in the Tree Tops…
Old, kiddy safe joke I remembered this morning:
What does a 300 lb canary say?
Chirp!
Three dear old ladies are at the seaside walking along the promenade. One says “Isn’t it windy?”. The second one says “No, it’s Thursday.” And the third one says “So am I - let’s go and have a cup of tea.”
A little further along the promenade a dapper old gent happens upon three young ladies who are all weeping and wailing. So he invites them to a nearby café for a cup of tea and a biscuit to cheer them up. Bringing the teapot to the table he cheerily asks, “Now, who’s going to be mother?*”. … And all three young ladies start weeping and wailing again.
(* English for “Who wants to pour the tea?” )
That one needs some splaining.
Maybe the young ladies are weeping and wailing because they’re unmarried and pregnant? The innocent “mother” comment sets them off. ??
Took me a minute, but I think that the three girls were all crying because they’re pregnant.
ETA: Darn it, AuntiePam beat me to it.
So the old man takes his wife to the doctors and asks him to give her a thorough exam because she just hasn’t seemed right lately. Doc gives her a complete workup and comes back with the verdict that she either has Altzheimer’s or AIDS.
Old man asks, “What do you recommend I do?”
Doc responds, “Take her for a nice long drive in the country, kick her out of the car and drive off. If she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”
The old man had a few too many to drinks at the bar and as usual his wife was nagging him that it was time to go.
He was driving haphazardly when the cop pulled him over. The old man looked a bit panicked. The cop asked him “Do you know why I pulled you over tonight?”
“No.” replied the old man.
“Well, about 2 miles back I noticed your wife fell out of the passenger door. But you just kept on driving.”
The old man looked relieved. “Oh, thank god officer. For a moment there I thought I had gone deaf.”
Thank’s Dopers! The 30 year old mystery has been solved! I am so relieved. 
Two old codgers are nursing their third martinis.
Orville says, “Yesterday, a beautiful young woman approached me on the street. She stood extremely close, and she told me she’d do anything I wanted for $100!”
Dudley, goggle-eyed, says, “Sweet Mercy, Orv, what did you do? Tell me!”
Orville checks his watch and says, “She’s painting my porch right now.”
Okay, guess I’ll be the one to tell it:
An elderly man goes to see the doctor. The doctor runs some tests, comes back, and says, “I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?”
gulp…“I guess the bad news.”
“The bad news is, you have terminal cancer, you have six months to live.”
“Cancer?! Well, what’s the GOOD news?”
“The good news is, you have Alzheimer’s.”
“Alzheimer’s?! Well, what’s the BAD news?”
The old man says to his wife, “I’m going into town to apply for social security.”
His wife says, “Henry, you don’t have a birth certificate, you can’t get social security without proof of how old you are.”
But he goes to town anyway. That afternoon, he returns home with a check. “So,” his wife asks, “how’d you prove how old you are?”
He smiles. “I just pulled open my shirt and showed 'em all the gray hairs on my chest.”
She smirks. “You should’ve dropped your pants and applied for disability.”
Three old ladies are on a park bench. Suddenly, a flasher leaps out and flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady also had a stroke.
The third old lady’s arms were too short to reach.
An elderly couple is sitting in church one Sunday morning. Midway through the sermon the wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let a silent fart. What should I do?”
Her husband replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”