I once let a stranger into my apartment and she stole my wallet. I reported it, and the cop asked, “Why did you let her in instead of just giving her a quarter for the pay phone?” I said, “Because I didn’t want her to think I didn’t trust her.” He said, “Trust is not something you give to a stranger. They have to earn it.”
So prove it. Don’t blame us; blame all the guys who ruined it for you.
Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green
Morning, all. I give up.
Di-- "Why, because I think it is totally irresponsible as a parent to bring a stranger into the home just two days after you tell them about him and not only encourage them to call him dad, but leave them alone with the guy for hours? How responsible is it to laugh with your co-workers about how you don’t even know if he has brothers and sisters or where he was raised, all the while he is home alone with your children?
If you don’t think there is anything wrong with this picture, then you suck as a parent, at least in Diane World.
My bolds. Your opinions, feelings. Though you hold no facts that this guys is a Shitboy. Again, if he does turn out to be one, and you have proof, feel free to step into the fray.
Diane, “live and let live”. Please don’t hold up for measurement my qualifications for being a good parent to the unerring perfection of your notions as to what makes a good and bad parent. I’m sure no one would stack up nearly high enough when usung your yard stick.
Likewise, don’t judge this woman. Her kids may have problems with this guy, but they are her kids. She makes the decisions she thinks best for them. She shouldn’t have to rear then acording to Diana’s credo.
I’ll grant you that it is not a great situation bringing a stange man into your home to live. But there are worse things which could happen to her kids.
Finally, kelli has learned something about my life and situation. She takes into consideration other posts on other threads before she comments to a certain poster about, what she knows, are “hot button” issues with that poster.
You would do well to emulate her.
You have a very uncaring posting style, which directly attacked my qualifications for having a child, let alone raising him.
I’m sorry you cannot feel compassion for this woman.
Finally, I thank my lucky stars I don’t have to raise my child in Diane’s unforgiving and judgemental world.
I just thought I’d throw in my opinion here, just for the hell of it. Because I can. And I don’t care if I get flamed for it either.
Contestant#3, get your head out of your arse and open your eyes! Diane’s concerned for a friend who did what any reasonable person can see was an impetuous, possibly dangerous decision. She’s not imposing her will on anybody, she’s just commenting on a situation that could have major repercussions!
She’s right to be concerned. We’re right to be concerned. Things may turn out well in the end - but is it worth such a high risk? I’d say no.
Nobody’s going to stop Diane’s friend from what she did, it’s all her own decisions. And we, as fellow human beings, and Diane as a concerned friend, have a right to our own opinions on a situation like that.
Allow Diane, and Kellibelli and myself and anyone, our opinions. You’re allowed yours too, though you appear to have the common sense of a six year old.
And wow, Con#3, are you ever threatened by women with a voice! You poor weak sod.
Gee if your idea of a good friend is them going out into a public forum wondering if your significant other is a child molestor then you deserve to have friends like that!
Arse? Sod? At least cuss me out using American words next time you git!
Contestant #3
Wow, did this discussion get off track. My points:
There’s nothing wrong with being concerned about this woman and her kids.
Not all men are pervert freaks- The VAST majority are not.
Unfortunately, some are. (So are some women)
It is a bad decision to let a stranger into your house and leave them alone with your kids, period. (see link) http://www.courttv.com/trials/crain/091699_ctv.html
All Diane can do is be there for her friend, no matter how it turns out.
I interpreted Diane’s original message as her being concerned and wanting to know if we thought she should be. I personally do, but it’s not my life or Dianes. I do not see her as judgmental, just worried. I also find it hard to believe that people think it’s OK to marry a stranger the first day you meet face to face, then leave them with your children, but obviously Diane’s friend thinks its OK, so does ChiefScott- I’m sure many others do, too. All anyone close to her can do is hope for the best for all of them.
Men, I’m not trying to make huge leaps to judgement here, but I believe that most women have had some sort of encounter in their lives to make them feel cautious about men in general. I myself was nearly dateraped by a guy I’d been seeing for 3 months who seemed really nice. So try to understand that generally speaking, women tend to try to err on the side of caution. You just hear so much in the news today about child kidnappings, killings, molestations and such that it immediately puts up our instinctive guards.
This issue has nothing to do with jealousy. If it were my own sister that did something that crazy I would probobly intervene in some way, as she would be putting my neices in possible danger. That’s just the way it is. No one likes to assume anyone is out for bad, but in the day you can’t assume that “a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met” anymore. Sad but I believe true.
Don’t bother flaming me here, as this is my final post on this thread- it got really ugly there for no reason- Can’t people just have a rational discussion without judging each other and throwing insults?? Apparently not. sad
Diane wrote:
“Her mom was/is an alcoholic and married about 50 times, mostly to abusive assholes.”
This is the scariest part of your story. Such behaviors are, in part, learned. Diane, you obviously care about this woman and her kids. I suggest that you remain optimistic while also keeping ever-alert for signs of:
alcoholism in your friend
and
abuse of your friend or her children by the new guy.
Your vigilance and your support of your friend’s happiness must not waver.
On another topic, can I remind everyone here of some basic operant Psychology? Many behaviors, including posting to these message boards, are learned behaviors and will likely increase in frequency when reinforced. Such behaviors can be “extinguished” if they are not reinforced. Most of us are reinforced for posting, and thus are more likely to post again, whenever someone responds to our post. Here comes the important part: If there is someone whose posting behavior we, as a group, would like to modify or extinguish, one way to do it is to:
Remove the reinforcer!
That is:
Don’t reply to that individual!
Any reply, no matter how seemingly unkind and rude, can be a reinforcer and increase the probability of further posts.
Please think about this method of modifying or extinguishing posting behavior before replying to a post that seems specifically designed to garner reinforcement for the person posting.
Oh, one little note of which everyone should be aware: implementation of an extinction procedure such as I suggest first results in a flurry of the behavior prior to its extinction. A rat that has learned to press a lever for a food reinforcer will thus press the lever with increased frequency, and the presses will have increased vigor, prior to giving up completely. Don’t be surprised, then, to see many vigorous posts, virtually begging for reinforcement, prior to their eventual eradication.
Eissclam
You think it was ugly before?
Wait till Diane sees that Scott thinks she should emulate me…She might rip off his head and shit down his neck. 
Eissclam,
Why don’t you use a little of that psychology on yourself. Analyze why it is that you smoke cigarettes and masterbate an inordinate amount of times.
Did daddy ignore you and was mommy incapable of showing emotion?
Is your smoking habit a result of a oral fixation resulting from being weaned from the tit too early?
Contestant #3
Listen up. This doesn’t happen too often here in MPSIMS, especially on “opinion” threads.
I stand corrected. I wish I lived in a Utopian world where everything was judged independently and on its own merits. Alas, I do not.
I was wrong. Since the vast majority of you feel that this woman is doing harm to her children, I must defer to your judgement. I know how I feel when my child is brought, by my ex, into an environment which I cannot control. Possibly, Di, you mirror those feelings when it comes to you friend’s children.
We live in a world comprised of greys. A world where mis-trust is the touchstone for our daily existence. Though lamentable, it’s a world I’ll have to deal with.
Di, I feel I am a good father and that your implications that I was not were uncalled for. I appreciate and respect your opinions and have realized that maybe I do have a too idealistic view of my fellow man.
To those offended by the ferocity and adamance with which I defended my position, I offer my humblest apologies.
Got the medication refilled did ya Scott?
Just kidding!!! Scott knows I love him to peices!
*cyber kisses,
Kelli *
You know Chief, if you think it is okay to risk your kids to find out if this guy is a freak, go right ahead. You may not care what I think and I won’t care if you care, but I’ll will still think you are an irresponsible parent. She hasn’t had nearly enough time with this guy to know a lot of things about him.
Forgive me for being such an asshole to feel that finding out he is a shitboy and having the opportunity to jump into the fray, would be a little too late. Do you truly think it is worth the risk of her kids?
I asked you three questions that you basically skirted around and didn’t answer. I’ll ask another but I’ll expect a rant instead of an answer.
How closely would you check out a daycare or nanny for your 6 year old?
Also, you have still failed to address the other issues of emotional damage as well as putting her kids (especially her daughter) in the uncomfortable situation of having a complete stranger living in your house.
JFTR - She mentioned just this morning that her daughter is having a very hard time adjusting. She has already threatened to run away from home and refuses to call him dad. HELLOOOOOOOO?
Yeah, worrying about the children of a woman who leaves her children alone with a guy she just met face to face last Friday is a horrible thing to do!!!
Yep - that’s a frigging huge yardstick.
I don’t judge this woman and I certainly don’t expect her to raise her kids according to my credo, I simply think she is acting extremely irresponsible.
Why is this so hard for you to grasp without going into your left field rant?
Are you aware of how you sound?
You might as well have said, “Give you kids matches, afterall there are worse things that could happen. They could get hit by a bus.”
I don’t have the time or desire to research every posters background (unless you make an impression on me, good or bad). I simply respond to the topic being discussed. It wouldn’t matter if you, Joe Blow, or the man in the moon posted the things you said, I would feel the same way.
Whine, whine, 
:::kissy::: :::kissy:::
There - better?
(Note to Kel - it was a JOKE. I am trying to be nice - see?---------> 
.)
Yes, I did attack your qualifications for having a child and raising him. Anyone who thinks it is okay to put a child in that risk is in my opinion an irresponsible parent*(Isn’t that what we all do here - post our opinions? I have that right just as you do and I’ll think I’ll continue. Feel free to do the same.)* I don’t know how you are in the real world, but from what you have shown here, yes, I think you fit that bill.
What the fuck man?
You sure love to interpret meanings to fit your argument, but okay, I’ll bite. Show me anything in this thread that proves me to be uncompassionate towards this lady.
I care a lot about her and her kids and what happens to them, obviously.
Yeah, Diane’s world is unforgiving and judgmental because she simply believes that it is irresponsible to bring a stranger into your home and leave them with your kids.
It appears that you are in the minority here, but you single me out as being unforgiving and judgmental. I take it as being that I haven’t played grab ass and kissy-kissy with you, but that I have stated my opinion strongly (which obviously threatens some of you men). Taking the general opinion of those who agree with me that it is irresponsible - are they too judgmental and unforgiving?
>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Um…
Isn’t this a white flag I’m holding?
Let your last post stand on it’s own merit.
As I will mine.
WTFG Scott, I just spent the last 20 minutes writing the above post. Grrrrrrrr You must have been writing yours as I was writing mine. Wouldn’t it be a bitch if you are now composing a flame towards me as I write a kiss-up one to you?
There aren’t too many people who are big enough to admit that they may have been wrong. I have gained some respect for you.
I apologize if my attacks were too personal and harsh, but you have to know that as a parent, I really do see something terrible wrong with that line of thinking. I do think that it is very irresponsible to do that to children for a number of reasons. The physical risks, the emotional damage, even the uncomfortable feelings her kids must have (her daughter does) from having a stranger moved into your house the day you meet him.
I am sorry I put you into a tangent over love and jealousy and friendship, it was never about those things and I am sorry if I somehow said something to offend you. It was only about moving an almost stranger into your home with your kids and then leaving them alone together. If that is judgmental on my part, then I guess it is. I think it is wrong and I will never back down on my position, even if her story turns out wonderfully. Sorry if you read something into it that was never intended.
Peace?
>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
What the hell kind of stupid justification is that?! “Well little Johnny could be hacked to death in a freak threshing accident, so I’ll let him wander the ghetto in Harlem at 11pm by himself…”
I think that Scott is certainly missing the point that everyone is making. Sheesh.
>^,^<
“Cluemobile? You’ve got a pickup…”
OpalCat’s site: http://opalcat.com
The Teeming Millions Homepage: fathom.org/teemingmillions
What the hell for? He lives DOWN UNDER you moron! Not everyone in the world is American.
PS I finally figured out what the “3” is for. IQ points.
>^,^<
“Cluemobile? You’ve got a pickup…”
OpalCat’s site: http://opalcat.com
The Teeming Millions Homepage: fathom.org/teemingmillions
Ms. Cat –
I’ve bowed to the opinion of the masses and humbled myself to the Teeming Millions.
No need to pile on, my dear.
In my opinion, marriage is always a rap shoot. Granted, in this case I do agree that she should exercise more caution in regards to her children, but as for the marriage, I say go for it.
People date for years and things still don’t work out. Sometimes people change. Sometimes people lie. Sometimes people turn out to not be who we think they were. this happens even when people have dated for a respectable amount of time prior to the marriage. You just can’t ever really know somone, so you throw the dice and take your chances. Of course, it’s fine to gamble your own life, but again I say she probably should be a bit more careful abourt her kids.
“I think it would be a great idea” Mohandas Ghandi’s answer when asked what he thought of Western civilization
Isn’t that supposed to be crap shoot?
My opinion (not that it matters at this point) is to agree with the consensus. I think that you should not take a chance with your children.
While there is every possible chance that the man in question is a fine upstanding citizen, why couldn’t they have waited to tie the knot. He would still be a fine upstanding citizen in a month,or a year. But, if he’s not the damage to her children would already be done.It will take a lot more than a month or year to fix that kind of damage, if ever.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Diane: Keep your ears open; see if your co-worker/friend mentions that this guy is particularly eager to get on her insurance, move to a bigger house, borrow money to “invest”, get a co-signed car loan, and like that. There are “serial husbands”: guys who move in on women very fast, marry them, drain them financially, and move on. No, ChiefScott, I’m not condemning all guys; I’m just saying.
Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green
Wow! Diane– I see what you mean about hitting a nerve and watching the shit fly! Man! IMHO there are members in my own family that I wouldn’t let watch my dog, let alone my child (if I had one). If I had just barely met someone (male, female, other) I wouldn’t leave my dog, child or even purse with them!
Hell, I’m all for romance, it’s my main work in life as I write romances, but any woman, real or fictional, who would leave her children with an unknown is insane! Love and trust and all that wonderful gooey stuff is great but we are talking about the real world here; some people are perverts, some people steal, some people kill.
No, no one can tell this woman what to do, well they can but it won’t do any good, but as Rilchiam said watch out for the con-man stuff. Love does blind you so as her friend, be her eyes for a while. Let her call the shots in her life (as you are) but if you see a red-flag, I’d say something. And also, I think you are a good friend for being concerned. I don’t see you as a busybody at all.