Does success with women= manhood and self worth?

How much of your manhood and self worth do you tie into success with the ladies?
As I continue to answer damn Internet personal ads without much success (I have one possible date next weekend) I’ve been struggling with this question. Actually I’ve been basically trying to deal with it my entire life but now as I’ve really been hitting the singles sites it’s come into the forefront of my mind.

Actually, I know that self worth shouldn’t be tied into success in meeting ladies. It should come from how kind we are to others as we pass through life. I’m always kind to other people in the RW and I perform volunteer work with the homeless twice a week so honestly I know I’m worthwhile. Shit I knew it before I began the volunteer work.

Sometimes this just doesn’t make a damn bit of difference though as I struggle with loneliness. I often feel like such a worthless, loser as my lifetime failure with women continues. I’m a good writer so if there’s anyway for me to start meeting women it should be through these Internet singles sites but it’s not really happening… As this continues I feel weak, like half a man, because women don’t want me.

I see men with three girlfriends who can pick up more women whenever they want. Shit and half of these guys are slick, lying bastards but they happen to be handsome and have a good line of bullshit so the ladies want them… They have to be better men than me. Right?

I wonder if ladies who can’t find a man deal with the same type of self esteem issues?

I guess when it all comes down to it, you just have to remember that life isn’t a competition. It can be disheartening when you are alone (trust me, I know about this as well), but success with the opposite sex is hardly a guage to base your self-worth on. For instance, who is more “successful”? The bastard who picks up a different girl every weekend and remains more or less single? Or the quiet guy who doesn’t really date much but really meets that special girl with whom he will spend the rest of his life?

I’m just trying to live my life and if it happens, it happens. If not, that’s too bad, but I’m going to try and make the best of it. There are plenty of other ways to gain self-worth and I can guarantee you that you are probably good at many of them.

Thank-you for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I hope you’re doing well and if you haven’t yet I’m sure you’ll find a special lady soon.:slight_smile:

If you don’t mind me butting in, I don’t think this was mundane OR pointless :slight_smile: Carry on though.

First off, welcome to the dope, Andy – you’ve stumbled onto one of the greatest online communities imaginable.

Now, as to your questions:

I’m not going to begin to try to answer this for all women, but for myself … no. I’ve never married, and I’ve spent huge amounts of my life single. I’m 48 – if you’re still in your 20’s, let me start by saying – relax, it’s okay, you’re still very young. Plus, women your age are often still pretty immature and apt to fall for the slick rat bastard type – as they mature, they really, honest to god, we old folks aren’t just telling you guys this to make you feel better, come to appreciate inner quality over leather pants and a glib line of patter.

I broke up with my last serious relationship in, yikes, '93, and spent nine years not even dating a lot. Last fall I decided to give the online thing a try, met several guys, then found a guy I was with for eight months; when we parted ways a month ago, I jumped right back into it, because I’ve been reminded that it’s fun to have a boyfriend. BTW, one of the many, many services offered by the teeming millions is fine-tuning of personal ads: I’m currently availing myself of this service here – as you can see, the advice really is friendly, helpful, and specific. You might want to post link to your ad so we can (gently, lovingly, helpfully) suggest tiny changes that might improve it. Also, it is a documented fact that women get a lot more hits than men do – nothing to be done about that. You can, however, post on more than one site – I’ve had good results at match.com and the salon.com site (which is connected to a bunch of sites, including the Onion and some others) as well as emode – plus there’s lavalife and a slew of others. More ads up, more women reading them, more possibility of success.

Anyway – enough about you, back to me. I don’t need a boyfriend to be okay about myself. I have a job I love that keeps me pretty damn busy, and when I’m not working, I have a tremendous capacity to keep myself amused. I am somewhat unusual for my sex in that I have never had the least interest in having kids, so that whole biological drive thing has never come up – that would have a big effect on self-esteem, I guess, if motherhood were part of my definition of what is essential to being female and it wasn’t happening. However, my priorities are in other areas (work, friendships, family), and I’m doing well in those areas.

I’m starting to ramble – hope you can extract something useful out of this!

I’m still learning the board. Seriously, where on it would have been the proper place to post this? :slight_smile:

My writing usually tends to be long and wandering from topic to topic so this is a problem I’ve run across on other boards. :smack: I’m very long winded. :eek:

I hope you’re doing well! :slight_smile:

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by twickster *

I’m currently availing myself of this service here – as you can see, the advice really is friendly, helpful, and specific. You might want to post link to your ad so we can (gently, lovingly, helpfully) suggest tiny changes that might improve it.
I think I will post a link to my ad on the part of SD you suggest. Even though I’m new to SD it can’t hurt. Right? I’m a big boy and I always appreciate kindly, critical advice.

I have to go out this morning so I can’t set the link up right now but this afternoon I will.

Thank-you so very much for all of your wonderful, thoughtful advice.

:slight_smile:

BTW I’m 37. I wish I were still in my twenties!

:eek:

Well, here we have evidence, once again, of what happens when you assume…:o – sorry!

Anyway, I think anniee was just teasing you – this is, in fact, the right forum for this sort of conversation.

I’ll check in later to see your link – I just love reading fellow dopers’ personals!

Andy, I know exactly how you feel buddy. My cousin (who I love very much) has been blessed with charm, charisma, and good looks to boot. He’ll be with a different girl every week and has at least one girl (that I know of) at his beck and call. This pisses me off though, because he treats girls like shit. Not only that, but he continues to get away with it. I’m 18 and he’s 19, so it’s not surprising to see that alot of the girls that he goes out with are naive and immature. Young girls don’t want a steady thing, so I’ve stopped trying. I figure that when it’s my time, it’ll be my time. In the meantime, I’m friendly with every person I meet and I build friendships on what I have to offer (not rehearsed bullshit or fake interest). Expecting romance is about the worst thing that you can do because you set yourself up for something that is in no way guaranteed. I’m content having alot (and I do mean alot) of girlfriends, with whom I’ve never had (or probably ever will) a physical relationship.

Once again thank-you for your thoughtful kindness. It seems like I’ve already made one friend on SD. :smiley:

I already like this board. It seems really cool!

Not that I have much success with the Internet personals but I’ll check out your ad later too. Just to see if I can offer any advice. Your best bet is to do the opposite of anything I suggest! :rolleyes: :smack:

Be well!

Please don’t spank me for semi-hijacking the thread, I just want to share a female perspective.
I want to oversimplify the answer to the question of why women are sometimes attracted to bad boys and aim the conversation in a more constructive direction. There are women out there who are drawn repeatedly to men who mistreat them, but they are the exception rather than the norm
Yes, bad boys are sometimes appealing, but it isn’t the misbehavior and bad manners we are attracted to; it is the confidence and sense of fun that we find sexy.

  1. Confidence = competence. If you act cocky and sure of yourself, then others may believe you can most likely get the job done. “The job” varies; but self-assurance is appealing regardless of your area of expertise. Examples: playing basketball, auto mechanics, writing code, building a deck, cooking a gourmet meal, or pleasing a woman. If you are good at something, be proud of it.

  2. Physical appearance is not as important as personality, brains, talent, sense of humor, or warmth. There are many actors, musicians, sports stars, etc who have an unconventional appearance but are very successful with women, because of their positive attitude and confidence. Personal attractiveness is a practice, not a genetic gift. Clean hair, neat clothing, and an overall appearance of good health make a great first impression.

  3. Posture and body language speak before you do. Throw your shoulders back, grin, and make eye contact. Poise is very sexy.

  4. Situations in which you are a stranger to the person you are interested in can be awkward and a little scary for your target. The cashier at the grocery store is much more likely to develop a friendship with the bagboy or cart pusher instead of the strange man buying a large bottle of antacids. Most people have their game face on while at work, and may be uneasy with flirtation or small talk. Instead, frequent places where contact is expected: restaurants, clubs, bars, parks, sports events, classes, or even the workplace (while it is not a good idea to date your colleagues, chummy co-workers may have a sister or friend who might like to meet you).

  5. Conversation is much easier to initiate when you share a common interest with the people around you. “What is the best soup here?” “What are you drinking? It looks good and I might order the same.” “Who is your favorite pitcher?” etc.

  6. Open-ended questions help. Showing an interest in someone’s career, hobbies, or taste in entertainment is a great way to initiate a conversation.

  7. Puppies are almost always a great opener. Provided you actually like pets, of course. Likewise are conversational T-shirts. Advertise your interests and hobbies: there may be a woman waiting for you at the bookstore/grocery store/museum who also loves football/ fishing/ bowling/ scuba-diving/ Seinfeld/ NPR/ The Onion/ Harry Potter, etc. Many people are passionate about their hobbies and will gladly chat with a stranger if it appears you share common interests.

  8. Don’t lose confidence if every attempt at flirting or conversation isn’t reciprocated. The woman who walked away from you may be in a relationship, equally shy, or it may just be that you don’t meet her physical preferences. Second-guessing yourself if a waste of time. There are three billion women in the world. Yours is out there, wondering why you are making her wait.

Andy, you sound like a great guy who has a lot to offer a mature woman (not a silly girl who runs after bad boys cause she doesn’t know any better yet). You’re doing all the right things, it sounds like - you’re living a good life, and you’re working on meeting people and not just waiting for them to come knocking on your door.

Dread Pirate Jimbo and I met over the net when I was 33 and he was 30 - we had both dated very little, and had only a couple of unsuccessful relationships, but when it’s right, it’s right. We didn’t meet until our 30s, but when we did meet, we were both at the same place in our lives, going in the same direction.

Easy to say, but hard to do - be patient and keep doing what you’re doing - you’re on the right track.

Andy, speaking for myself and not all womankind, I definitely felt “less than whole” as a woman at times for not being with a man. In my experience, this is very, very common. Society in many ways still defines women in terms of their relationship to men. And Hollywood still tells women that finding a man will not only solve their loneliness, but will also solve their financial problems and provide meaning to their lives as wives and mothers. So I think women can definitely experience exactly what you mentioned.

I would suggest, similar to what Psalex did, to pursue your true interests. You will not regret the time you spend, and will increase the compatibility of the women you do meet. I’d especially suggest getting involved in church or another group compatible with your spirituality. I’m a Christian, so regular church worked for me, but I’m not saying this to evangelize. Their are other groups, such as Unitarian churches or Society for Ethical Culture that are about a more general spirituality. I recommend this because you will likely find people who share your values and especially because you will have chances for non-superficial conversation. As a bonus, women frequently outnumber men!

Best wishes and stay true to yourself!